Loser Lynch
by dayana82
Summary: Written for my wonderful beta-reader and for the 24 runes prompt on LJ. Lynch was a loser his whole life long and for once he wants to be the winner. Morgan/Garcia, mostly friendship, Kevin/Garcia. Rated T for later chapters. Please read and review!
1. Loser Lynch

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Loser Lynch – part 1

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Characters/Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia centric

**Prompt: **#17 Tiwaz (victory and success in any competition)

**Word Count:**1545

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 1/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. Written for my wonderful beta-reader Gretchen who also suggested the title. It took me long enough to come up with a story that fits it.

**warnings:** Spoilers for season 3, maybe a bit out of character at least for one particular character. Oh, and this is not exactly Morgan/Garcia centric but I had to start from somewhere.

**AN:** _As implied above this is going to be a story with several chapters. The whole story is Morgan/Garcia centric and the chapters are as well in one way or another – even if there's only one of them in some chapters._

"Why don't you stop working?" Kevin asked halfway through the dinner. When he saw the expression on Penelope's face he raised both his hands defensively. "I'm just saying. I mean, not forever but… as I said you're too stressed out recently so I thought…"

"Kevin, I love my job." Penelope interrupted him. "If you can understand that or not I don't want to quit."

"I understand that." he quickly assured. "I just think you could need some time off. You're not feeling well lately, right? And I think it's all work related. You just need some time on your own. Like a holiday."

"I can't go on a holiday whenever I want to and you know that." Penelope sighed as she picked at her food.

"Of course, I do." he nodded. "But still you spend too much time with these people. Maybe you shouldn't go out with them so often."

"Kevin, they're my family." she said a little angrily. "I love them and I love to spend time with them."

"I know that." he quickly assured. "And I don't want you to stop seeing them. But even when you're hitting the town together you mostly talk about work. That doesn't help you forget about the pictures you have to see every day, does it?"

"I can handle this." she frowned.

"Yeah, I know, but they don't even pay attention to what this is doing to you at times."

"Of course, they do." her voice was filled with anger now. "How can you say that? You don't even know them. They care about me!"

"So do I." he softly said and reached over the table to take her hands in his. "I just don't want you to be reminded of the horrors out there more than necessary. I love you, Penelope, and I'm worried about you."

"I know" the expression on her face immediately softened, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"As I said, you're too stressed out." he smiled. "That's exactly why I was thinking about a break from work. Maybe you can already take the maternity leave."

Penelope just sighed, pulled back from his touch and ran her hands over her face.

"It's because of him, isn't it?" Kevin suddenly burst out. He was carrying this around for so long that he simply couldn't stand it any longer.

"Whom?" Penelope gave him a quizzical look.

"Derek Morgan." Kevin snorted. "You just don't want to leave because of him. He has too much influence on you."

"That's not true, Kevin." she sighed. "Please, stop being jealous of him. He is my best friend and he already was long before I even met you. You won't make me forget about him."

"I know." he grumbled, then his tone softened a little. "And I don't want you to forget about him. Just to make your own decisions – not depending on him, you know."

"This IS my own decision." she frowned. "I don't want to quit my job and I don't want to go on an early maternity leave either. Period."

"No, there's a lot more to say about that." he tried to object.

But Penelope just closed her eyes and whispered: "I'm tired, Kevin. Please, let's stop this discussion."

"Are you feeling sick again? You hardly ate anything." he changed the topic as he started cleaning the table. But he would stick to his guns. At last she would agree with him, he would make sure of that.

"I'm fine." she assured. "It's probably just the morning sickness."

"At eight p.m.?" he raised both his eyebrows at her. "And still after four months? This should have stopped long time ago, right? You should go and see the doctor. Just to make sure that you and the baby are really alright."

"I had an appointment yesterday." Penelope sighed. "And the doctor said we're both fine, me and our baby."

"Good." he mumbled. "That's good. Then you should go and get some rest. I'll be there in a few minutes. Want some tea?"

"Yeah, that would be great." Penelope smiled and headed for the bathroom to take a shower first. For months she was feeling weak and dizzy and she wondered if this wasn't going to stop before the due date. It had taken three weeks and several doctors until finally someone realized that she was pregnant.

Penelope would certainly be on cloud nine if it wasn't for this constant sickness. She loved Kevin and everything was great. And she loved children and couldn't wait to have a child herself. But with this constant sickness…

A few minutes after she had laid down in their bed Kevin brought her the promised tea.

"Thank you." Penelope smiled at him, took the cup from him and sipped carefully. About two weeks ago they'd moved in together. Kevin had been trying to convince her long before she'd found out about the baby. After that she had finally given in to him. And now she was glad that she had done so 'cause he took such a good care of her whenever she was ill.

"You look pale." he sighed. "And ill. Maybe you should try another doctor."

"I've been to at least a dozen doctors over the past months." Penelope sighed. "None of them could find anything. I'm just… sick and no one really knows why. It's possible that this is some kind of side effect of the pregnancy."

"I don't think that's normal." he frowned.

"The doctors said it was." she shrugged and then smiled at him. "And if this is a side effect I'm not going to complain too much. I'm thrilled about having a baby."

"I know." he nodded. "But still…"

"I'm fine." she put him off. "Just… tired at the moment. But having you around to take care of me helps a lot."

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" he smiled as he settled down next to her. At least she willingly let HIM take care of her and not… well, anyone else. Derek Morgan for example. This time he was the one who was chosen over someone else.

Penelope shook her head no, emptied the cup and put it on the bedside table.

Smiling widely he took out the can of whipped cream and waggled his eyebrows: "Are you really sure I can't do anything to make you feel better?"

"Please, Kevin, not today. I just want to sleep." she replied and tucked herself in. "As I said I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow."

"Okay." he smiled, kissed her goodnight and switched off the light. She would certainly call in sick tomorrow anyway. She'd done that quite often lately. Then he could take care of her and show her what a great husband he would make.

Sighing she turned away from him and grumbled slightly when he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. Sometimes she felt so sick that she just couldn't stand his touch – or anyone else's for that matter. But Kevin never cared about it. At least he accepted that she didn't want to have sex today – sometimes he tried to talk her into it until she finally gave in to him just to be able to sleep afterwards.

Not that she didn't enjoy it or didn't want him anymore. But when she was so sick that she felt like throwing up the whole time she just wanted to be left alone. Maybe she just had to get used to having someone around to hold her when she didn't feel well.

Sighing he took in the scent of her hair as he leaned his head against hers. He enjoyed being able to touch her even if they didn't actually have sex. They hadn't had sex in what seemed like ages. Since she'd found out about the baby that was.

They both should have been more careful! He had relied on her getting the shots but unfortunately that hadn't been enough. Now they were a few months away from having an annoying, screaming, drooling brat around all day and all night. That certainly meant they would never get a quiet night on their own again.

But it also meant that she called in sick even more often. Not that he wanted her to be sick but he loved having her around all day long and being able to take care of her. And if that meant she had to feel a little unwell then he could live with that for now.

One day he would convince her to quit her job and then they would move anywhere else, far away from this job and all her co-workers. As much as she loved this job he knew that eventually he could make her love him more. After all, he had already convinced her to move in together which meant he could spend yet more time with her.

He had shown to everyone who'd ever called him a sociopath, thought he'd never have any friends and especially never get a girl that they'd been wrong.

For the first time in his life he was the lucky guy who had gotten the girl. This time he had won. Penelope was his and only his – and he would make sure that things stayed that way.


	2. Attitudes

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Attitudes

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Characters/Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia centric

**Prompt: **#20 Mannaz (your attitude toward others and their attitudes towards you)

**Word Count:** 1993

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 2/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. Derek gets an insight into Pen's and Kevin's relationship – and he doesn't like it.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

"Hey, baby cakes, I need you to work me some magic again." he greeted when he entered her office. But when she turned around to look at him the smile on his face turned into a concerned frown. She was pale, her eyes were dark and she looked incredibly ill.

"Are you feeling… unwell again?" he carefully asked.

Penelope nodded. "The doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. Every once in a while I feel sick, can't eat properly and have a terrible headache. I'm nervous and can't really concentrate at times. And I keep feeling weak and dizzy. It's not that bad anymore and I can do my job but… I don't know. I'd just… like to know what's wrong with me."

Derek just nodded.

"So, my chocolate God, what can I do for you?" she gave him a weak smile.

"You could go home and get some rest." he frowned at her.

"I'm fine, Derek." Penelope immediately knew that he wanted to object so she quickly added: "Okay, I'm not. But… To be honest I can't stand staying at home doing nothing any longer. I need to work, I love this job and… I don't want to have Kevin around all the time. He's starting to get on my nerves."

"He's bothering you?" he asked alarmed.

"No, not really." she sighed and turned back to her computers. "I mean, he's taking really good care of me, does everything to make me feel better. But he constantly nags me about quitting my job here and start working at home like he already did."

"But… you're not thinking about doing that, right?" he asked obviously worried.

"No." Penelope smiled at him over her shoulder. "I love this job and I love the team. I don't want to quit."

He waited for her to say something in addition. When she didn't Derek took a step closer and eyed her a little suspiciously. "But you would do it for him?"

Taking a deep breath Penelope turned back to him and whispered: "I don't know."

Derek frowned a little. She looked as if she wanted to talk to him so he turned and closed the door. He was about to turn back to her when the soft ringing of bells caught his attention. Looking up at the new accessory he asked: "What's that?"

Penelope looked at the bells she'd attached above her door and replied: "Oh, Kevin developed a constant habit to sneak up on me and scare the hell outta me. That's why I attached them. This way I hear him entering my office." No need to mention that she was carrying a flashlight in her purse in case he turned off the lights of the apartment again.

Pulling the chair closer to sit down next to her Derek mumbled: "He doesn't seem to be the most sensitive person around."

"He's nice." Penelope objected. "He just doesn't understand that I'm a little jumpy."

"If he really was nice he would understand – or at least care." he said. Maybe he should have a serious talk with Lynch.

"I shouldn't have mentioned it." she sighed and looked down again.

"Hey" he said soothingly and put his hand under her chin to make her look at him again, "you can tell me anything, you know that."

"That was not what I meant." she answered. "You don't like Kevin anyway and this is just… kinda giving you another reason not to like him."

"I never said I didn't like him." he mumbled. _I hate him and for some reason I just feel a sudden urge to punch him whenever I see him._

"Maybe it's not about him." Penelope replied in a low voice. "Maybe you just don't like the fact that I'm happy with him."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he frowned.

"I love him and he loves me, he's taking good care of me and he's… one of the nicest persons I know." she explained. "But you need to belittle him or our relationship whenever we talk about him. You didn't even need to get to know him to form your view on him."

"Since when are you so whipped?" Derek raised both his eyebrows at her. "I've never seen you behave like that before."

"Behave like what?" she snorted.

Derek gently took her hands in his and softly said: "Baby, you deserve to be happy, no one I know deserves it more than you do. And I hope you are as happy as you can be because I love you and I care about you. And that's exactly why I'm worried that maybe Lynch isn't good for you. You know me, I can't stop worrying about you. All I want is to make sure that he treats you right."

"He does." Penelope assured him and took a deep breath to calm down again. "He treats me very good and I'm happy with him. And I know that you just worry about me. I'm sorry I overreacted again."

"I wonder why." he mumbled studying her eyes. They'd had almost the same fight after she'd told him about Battle. Why did she obviously believe that he didn't think she deserved to be happy? Or maybe this was about something else. Maybe this went deeper than he thought but he couldn't figure out what it was about that pissed her off every time he started to worry about her.

"So what can I do for you?" she wanted to know and turned back to her computers.

"Don't avoid my questions, mama, what's wrong with you?" he asked instead of answering her question.

"It's not important, really." she looked down and absentmindedly stroke her abdomen.

"Is something wrong with the baby?" Derek asked in concern.

Her head shot up and she gave him a quizzical look. Realizing her movement she stopped it and answered: "No, everything is fine."

"But… you're not sure about having it anymore?" he guessed. He could tell that something was bothering her and it certainly had to do with her being pregnant.

"I'm still thrilled about having a baby." she replied in a low voice.

Okay, so it was Kevin who wasn't all that thrilled about it or Penelope feared she couldn't be a good mother to the baby. Derek's bet was on the first possibility but since he didn't want to cause another fight he decided to leave it alone and change the topic.

"Do you already have an ultrasound picture?" he asked excitedly.

Giving him a radiating smile she answered: "Yeah, I had an appointment a few days ago." She took the picture from her purse and handed it to him. "You're the first one to see it."

Derek frowned a little. That certainly meant Lynch hadn't seen it yet and didn't go with her to the appointment either. He didn't seem to be the least bit interested in his baby.

"You can even see the fingers and toes." Penelope smiled, leaned forward and pointed at the tiny hands and then at the feet. "And the eyes and ears are forming already."

"It looks more like a little bean." Derek grinned. "But I'm sure it's gonna be a very pretty baby. Do you already know the sex?" he wanted to know as he handed the picture back to Penelope.

"No, the doctor couldn't see it." she smiled. "But I'll have another appointment next week."

Derek frowned at her. From the expression on her face he could tell that Lynch wouldn't be with her next time. But that didn't mean she had to go alone!

"Will you tell me now what kind of magic you want me to work for you?" she asked pointing her head at the file in his hands.

"That's not so important." Derek put her off. Then he stood up, gently slapped her shoulder with the file and commanded: "Come on, up! We're going out to have lunch, now!"

"But I…"

"Don't argue with me!" he pulled her out of the chair and to her feet. "We're having lunch together now just like we did before you met Lynch. How does that sound?"

"I don't feel like eating." she mumbled.

Frowning once more Derek turned around to eye her. "Fine." he shrugged. "Then we'll just talk and have a little fun anyway."

Penelope sighed and looked at him. It was true, they hadn't had lunch together in ages and before she'd met Kevin they'd eaten together almost every day – and it had always been a whole lot of fun. And if she was honest, she missed that.

"Come on" Derek smiled at her, "please?"

She couldn't help but smirk a little at the puppy dog look he gave her. "You know that no sane woman in the world could ever resist anything you suggest when you look at her like that, right?"

"At least I was hoping for that." he grinned and put an arm around her shoulders. "So, buttercup, was that a yes?"

"I think so." she mumbled.

"I'm sorry" he grinned and leaned a little closer, "I didn't hear you. What did you say? Will you go out for lunch with me?"

"Yes, I will." she giggled and put her arm around his waist.

"I knew you wouldn't let me down." he chuckled and gently kissed her temple.

That was the exact moment the door opened and the smile on Kevin's face turned into a suspicious frown. He immediately felt the jealousy rising in his chest. "Penelope?"

"Oh, hi, Kevin." she smiled and quickly let go of Derek. Not that she felt guilty but she knew Kevin would make a scene. "We were just… What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to take you out for lunch." he replied.

There it was again, the urge to punch this guy's face. What did he do here anyway?! He should be at home working. But Kevin seemed to have some kind of radar for moments he shared alone with his baby girl because he always – always – stepped in to interrupt them.

They couldn't have lunch together or even just talk anymore because Lynch was following her like her shadow. He certainly even was in her office whenever they were on the phone together because their usual banter had been reduced to a nickname here and there.

Penelope shifted uncomfortably and looked between Derek and Kevin back and forth.

"Well, then, maybe next time, baby girl." Derek smiled at her. At least she didn't just dump him for Kevin. As much as he wanted her to be happy he missed the time they'd used to spend together. And even more he missed their flirting. It was gone. Completely. _The first casualty of love_, popped into his mind.

Kevin gave Agent Morgan a forced smile as he wrapped his arm around Penelope's waist and led her out of her office.

Derek watched them leaving Penelope's inner sanctum and a sudden anger rose in his chest. He wanted her back! He wanted to be able to take her out for lunch whenever they both felt like spending some time together. He wanted to hit the town with her again or watch a movie with her. Watching action or horror movies with one of his girlish hook-ups simply wasn't the same. _Face the truth, she's gonna have another man's baby!_

"Have fun!" he forced himself to call after them.

Penelope turned to smile at him. "See you later, gorgeous!"

"I'll be right here, beautiful." he smiled. At least another nickname from her lips.

Again these nicknames. 'Beautiful'… If anyone was allowed to call HIS girlfriend beautiful it was HIM – and him alone. Kevin was breathing fire like every single time he had an encounter with Derek Morgan. This guy was starting to really get on his nerves. But he would take care of that eventually. For now there were too many other things he needed to take care of. One thing at a time.


	3. Loss

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Loss

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Characters/Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia centric

**Prompt: **#9 Hagalaz (pain, loss, suffering)

**Word Count:** 1925

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 3/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. A summary for this chapter would certainly give away too much. Let me just say that Garcia's in hospital once again.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN: **_I know, it's been a while again since I posted. I was on a holiday for three days. But to make up for the delay a little I decided to post two stories at a time. :)_

"What happened?" was the first thing Derek asked when he arrived at the hospital. He felt like he was reliving a déjà-vu. Only a few months ago they'd gathered in the hospital's waiting room after having been informed that Penelope had been shot. Now Hotch had called him again saying she was in surgery.

And all he'd known on his way here from home at ten a.m. on his day off had been that Penelope had collapsed, was in pain and had needed to be taken to the hospital.

"We don't know yet." Hotch explained. "She's been sick for quite a while now but today it seemed even worse. And then she got a severe cramp in her stomach so we brought her here."

"Penelope Garcia?" one of the nurses announced.

"Yes." the team said simultaneously.

The nurse eyed them and frowned: "Is one of you the father of her baby?"

"The father hasn't arrived yet." JJ informed her.

"I'm sorry but I can only let one of you see her at the moment and that should certainly be the person she's closest to." the nurse stated. "She needs rest."

"I'm the one she's closest to." Derek grumbled. "Check her list whom to call in case of emergency. I'm sure I'm the first name on it."

The nurse eyed him again.

Angrily crossing his arms in front of his muscular chest Derek grumbled: "What?"

"Nothing." she gave him a suspicious smile. "Follow me, please!"

And so he did. Neither of them spoke on their way to her room.

"You shouldn't excite her." the nurse said just before she opened the door to let Derek in.

When she wanted to turn and leave Derek held her back and quietly asked: "What happened?"

"I'm sorry" the nurse sighed, "she lost the baby."

_Crap!_ He nodded and stepped in. There she was, sitting upright in the bed and staring out of the window. "Hey, baby girl." he said in a low voice.

Her head snapped around and she stared at him for a second. Then she just spread her arms.

Derek quickly hurried over to her, sat down on the bed and caught her in his arms.

"I'm so glad they let you come to see me." she whispered after a long moment of silence.

He winced a little and admitted: "You know, I… told them I was the person you're closest to. Otherwise they wouldn't have let me see you."

"Oh." was all she said in return.

"I'm so sorry, sweetness." he whispered and gently kissed the top of her head. "Does Kevin already know?"

She pulled away a little and nodded. "He should be here soon. He wasn't happy when I told him about the baby anyway. But he said he would let me make the decision. He never really wanted a baby so I guess, he'll be glad."

"How are you?" he asked carefully.

"Okay, I guess." she replied quietly. "Better than I thought I'd feel right now. Maybe I just haven't realized it yet."

Derek nodded and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"I couldn't wait to see her and hold her. I just couldn't wait to have her." she whispered.

"Her?" he sighed. "I thought you didn't know the baby's sex yet."

"I didn't" she gave him a sad smile, "I mean, it wasn't confirmed by my doctor. It's just… I knew it. I know it's weird but somehow I knew that it was going to be a girl."

"I'm so sorry, angel." Derek repeated.

"I know." she nodded.

"Do the doctors know what caused this?" he asked in a low voice.

Penelope shook her head no: "They said it could have been the constant sickness. I couldn't eat properly and therefore the baby didn't get everything it needed."

Once again he leaned forward to kiss her forehead. He desperately wished he could take her pain away. But he couldn't even think of anything to say or do that would make it better.

"What if… I caused this?" she whispered. "Maybe I should have done what Kevin said. I should have stayed home and taken it easy. Or I should have…"

"No, baby girl." he quickly interrupted her. "Don't put that blame on yourself! This wasn't your fault." _But I wonder if it maybe was someone else's._

"But what if…"

"Stop it, cup cake!" Derek interrupted her again. "You're not going to blame yourself for that, okay?! We don't know yet what caused you to lose your baby but we'll find out, I promise."

"Thank you" she sniffled, "I… Somehow I wasn't sure about being a mother. That's why I thought that… you know, maybe I didn't really want the child."

"But I thought you love children and always wanted to have a baby." he gave her a quizzical look. "And you seemed to be pretty happy about being pregnant."

"I was." she whispered. "And I… Of course, I want children. It's just… I don't know. I was… scared, I guess. I thought…"

Derek studied her face after her voice had trailed off but when she didn't continue he softly asked: "What?"

"I guess that doesn't matter anymore, right?" she shrugged.

"Oh, doll face, of course it matters." he softly said and stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. "Because one day you're gonna be pregnant again and then all those worries will return. So it's better to deal with them now."

"I don't think I'll ever have a child." she whispered.

"Of course, you will." Derek assured her. "And you'll be a wonderful mother."

Penelope was silent for a while before she added: "Maybe it was meant to be this way."

Derek frowned at her: "What do you mean?"

"You know that I think everything happens for a reason." she replied and looked at her hands. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother."

"That can't be true." Derek softly objected. "Because you would most definitely be a wonderful mother. There's so much you could give to a child and teach her – or him."

She raised her head and gave him a hopeful look: "You really think so?"

"I know it." he assured her. "Because I know you. If anyone in this world should have children than it's you."

"Thanks." she gave him another sad smile. "That means a lot to me."

"It's the truth." he softly said stroking her cheek once more.

"Kevin didn't seem to think that." she shrugged and then bit her lower lip. She shouldn't have said that.

"Did he say so?" Derek clenched his fist at the mere thought of that.

"No" she replied and looked down at her hands again, "not really. He just… asked me if I really thought that was a good idea and if I… was sure I could take care of a child."

"If he really had to ask you that he was either unsure himself or he is – sorry to say so – a real dumbass." Derek gave her an encouraging smile. "You would be a wonderful mother, I know that. Because there's no possible way that you wouldn't. Every child in the world would be glad to have a mom like you because you will be the coolest mom ever. And Kevin should have been just as thrilled about having the baby as you were."

"You mean like taking me to the ultrasound test?" she whispered.

Derek sighed. They'd wanted to go there together in two days. "You're going to be okay, baby cakes, right?" he asked in concern.

"I don't know." she shrugged. "But I think I'm getting there. I hope so. I've handled so much already, I think I can handle this too. You know me, giving up isn't for me."

"Yeah, I know." he gave her a warm smile and gently put a strand of her hair behind her ear before he leaned forward once more to kiss her forehead. "Can I… do anything?"

"No" she smiled at him and reached out to stroke his cheek, "it's enough that you're just here with me and…" She looked down obviously not daring to say what she wanted to say. She shouldn't let Derek comfort her. She should wait for Kevin to do so. But the truth was that she felt better when Derek held her.

Nodding Derek leaned forward and caught her in his arms again gently stroking her back. He certainly shouldn't be here and holding her, that was Kevin's place. Still he couldn't help but be relieved that Penelope let him comfort her. She would be okay, he would make sure of that.

They both were startled when someone opened the door.

Kevin froze in the middle of the movement when he entered her room. She was sitting on the bed with HIM! They were holding each other! Derek Morgan was most definitely the last person on earth who should hold Penelope!

"Penelope!" Kevin said, swallowed his jealousy as good as he could and rushed over to her to pull her into a tight embrace himself. "I came here as fast as I could. The nurse told me that you lost our baby. I'm so sorry, darling. What happened?"

"I don't know." she replied and hugged him back. "And the doctors don't know either."

"It's okay" Kevin said in a soothing voice, "I'm here now."

Feeling pretty awkward at that moment Derek decided that it was better to leave. He would catch her later in her office and make her talk about everything. But as long as Lynch was around she probably wouldn't open up to him anyway.

He had a bad feeling about leaving his baby girl alone with Kevin. Something or someone must have caused her to lose her child – and he should be there to keep whatever or whoever it was away from her. The problem was that Penelope wouldn't let him. She just didn't want to believe that Kevin could be responsible for all that.

Or maybe it was true and Derek just refused to believe that he wasn't. He didn't like Kevin and he wasn't even sure why. It was just that from the day he'd met him in the bullpen onwards and watched how Penelope and him had shaken hands he hadn't liked him. Something was wrong with him, he could practically smell that!

Sighing Derek decided to inform the others about what had happened. Maybe he should talk to them about his worries, or at least to Hotch. Or maybe he should just keep his mouth shut. After all, he had no proof that Kevin was doing Penelope any harm, he had no proof that he had caused her illness or the miscarriage. He had no proof except for his gut feeling – the only problem was that this feeling never betrayed him.

Kevin smiled when he heard the door being shut and pulled his girlfriend a little closer. His whole life long he had been the loser everyone made fun of. 'Loser Lynch' they'd called him. Nice alliteration, yeah! But he would own everybody! This time he would be the one who won and everyone else would lose.

The last laugh would be on them! And he was already close to this goal. This time he was the one who had won the girl's heart. And he was not willing to share her with anyone. He wouldn't let her go again, ever. He would keep her with him.

This time he would be the winner in the end. He would make sure of that – at all costs.


	4. Suspicion

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Suspicion

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #15 Algiz (the protective urge to shelter oneself or others)

**Word count: **1857

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 4/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. After Derek told his co-workers what he thinks has caused Penelope's sickness Reid has an idea how they might help her.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

"Where's Penelope?" Derek wanted to know when he entered the conference room. It had been more than a month now since she'd lost her baby and Derek had tried his best to make sure she was going to be alright – well, every time Kevin didn't separate her from the rest of them. Maybe four weeks off had been too long. Not for Penelope but for Kevin.

"She called in sick." Hotch informed him.

"Again?" Derek raised both his eyebrows.

"She lost her child." JJ reminded him. "I think it was just too early for her to come back to work. She needs time to get over it."

"I don't doubt that." he assured. "But she'd been in the hospital for almost one week and then she had a whole month off. I don't doubt that she's having a hard time, I'm just saying. Yesterday was her first day back at work and now she called in sick again. She's not the kind of person who constantly catches illnesses."

"But she's been pretty down." Emily objected. "Listless and tired, almost depressed."

Derek opened his mouth to say something but Hotch spoke first: "I know she's also not the kind of person you would think is the type to become depressed. But we've seen that happen before."

"I don't know." Derek sighed. "first the constant sickness, then the miscarriage and now a depression. Something must have caused this."

"What do you mean?" Reid wanted to know.

"I'm just saying." Derek frowned. "When she was in the hospital she didn't seem to be depressed. She was sad but actually she was doing quite well. Even her constant sickness seemed to be better. And once she's back home it starts all over again. I mean… She's been ill before she was pregnant and she still is afterwards which means it can't be the morning sickness. She told me that Lynch wanted her to quit her job. Now she's constantly feeling unwell and can't come to work. And she told me that he didn't want the baby and she lost it."

"You think Kevin caused all this?" JJ's eyes widened in shock. "I don't believe that. I mean, have you talked to her about Kevin? She's happy with him, he treats her better than any other boyfriend before, that's what she told me. She loves him. And I'm sure he loves her."

"I'm not saying he doesn't love her." Derek mumbled. "But all of us know how fast love can turn into something very dangerous."

"I still don't think Kevin caused any of this." JJ repeated. "Why would he? If he loved her he wouldn't want her to be ill and he certainly wouldn't want her to lose her child. He simply wouldn't do this to her."

"Or he just doesn't want to share her." Derek shrugged. "Not with any of us, not with her work and definitely not with a child."

"I don't think he's so delusional." Emily frowned. "He seems to be pretty normal."

"He's a good guy." JJ nodded.

"If you think…" Derek mumbled.

"We all know that you don't like him…" Emily started.

"No, something is seriously wrong with this guy." Derek quickly interrupted her. "Did you know that he sneaks up on her? I mean, after everything that happened to her he should know better than 'surprise' her by scaring the hell out of her." At the word surprise Derek grimaced and formed air quotation marks.

JJ and Emily rolled her eyes.

"Okay" Derek raised his hands defensively, "let's assume it wasn't Lynch. Let's assume that he IS a nice guy and loves her and just wants to take care of her. Let's assume everything is just fine. Still something must have caused Penelope's constant sickness and the miscarriage."

"That's true." Hotch frowned. "But it's the doctor's job to find out about that not ours."

Derek didn't really concentrate on the following briefing. His thoughts were still pondering over the question what could be wrong with Penelope.

"We're leaving tomorrow at eight a.m." Hotch ended.

This however got Derek's attention: "Leaving? I… Maybe I should stay behind, just in case."

Hotch frowned at him: "I'm not going to split up my team. Maybe it's even better if you're forced to stay away from Garcia for a while."

After the briefing Reid walked over to Derek's desk and mumbled: "You know, I can't tell whether Lynch's aims are good or bad. What I do know is that a periodic sickness for almost half a year is far from normal and I agree that something must have caused this."

"Why didn't you say anything earlier?" he snorted.

"Because Hotch is right, it's not our job to find out what's wrong with Garcia. But I happen to know someone who might help her." he explained.

"Whom?" he asked excitedly.

"Another doctor" Reid explained, "a specialist for infectious diseases at the Institute of Medicine in D.C.. And she also worked as a toxicologist. So if Garcia actually was poisoned she's gonna find out. Maybe losing her child caused the depression and maybe her sickness caused the miscarriage. But still something must have caused the sickness."

"What if she refuses to go with me?" Derek sighed again. "I can't just kidnap her."

"You should talk to Dr. Velasquez first anyway." Reid suggested. "She'll tell you what to do even if Garcia refuses to go and see her."

"And you think she'll help us?" he raised an eyebrow at her.

"She owes me." Reid shrugged.

"I'm not going to ask." Derek mumbled already halfway out of the bullpen.

"Hey, what do I tell Hotch?" Reid called after him.

"The truth." Derek shrugged. "That I went to see a doctor."

He drove as fast as he could and only forty minutes later a nurse showed him the way to Dr. Velasquez's room. "Excuse me, are you Dr. Velasquez?" Derek asked as a black haired woman in a white coat left the room.

"It depends on who is asking." she said and eyed him up.

"This is Agent Derek Morgan with the FBI." he explained and took out his badge.

The woman frowned at Derek's badge. "What can I do for you?"

Putting his badge back into his pocket Derek explained: "Spencer Reid sent me here."

"What is it?" she wanted to know.

"It's about one of my co-workers, Penelope Garcia." Derek quickly answered. "She's been ill for almost six months now. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but no one was able to find out what's wrong with her."

"First of all I need you to tell me her symptoms in every detail." Dr. Velasquez replied. "Follow me, please!"

She led him into her office where she took out a pencil and a new clinical record. "What was the first symptom she complained about?" Dr. Velasquez wanted to know.

_When he entered her office he was surprised to find it empty. It was just half past nine, so too early for her lunch break._

_The door opened and Penelope stumbled more than walked in. "Hey" she greeted weakly, "I hope you didn't wait too long."_

"_What's wrong?" Derek quickly hurried over to her to walk her to her chair._

"_I don't know." she panted. "I have a terrible headache and can't keep anything I eat in my stomach."_

"The headache along with nausea." Derek replied. He'd never forget how pale she looked that day and how bad it had gotten. After three hours he'd pretty much forced her to go and see a doctor but they hadn't been able to find anything and sent her home afterwards. If he'd known that it would get worse, he'd made her go with him instead of back to Lynch!

Nodding Dr. Velasquez wrote the symptoms down into the clinical record she'd started for Penelope. "Did she have to throw up?" she wanted to know.

"Yes." Derek nodded. "She told me that she wasn't able to eat properly."

"Anything else?" the doctor asked.

He took a deep breath. "She lost her child and… seems to be very depressed now. I don't know if that's important but… Being depressed simply isn't like her. Even though I could understand it."

"Everything might be important." Dr. Velasquez smiled at him.

"She looked pale." Derek said. "And her eyes were dark, she really looked ill. She told me that she was nervous and shaky, more than would ever be usual for her even if she was under pressure."

Nodding again Dr. Velasquez wrote the other symptoms down and frowned studying them carefully.

"And she was… a little moody." Derek added with a sigh. "I don't know if that's important because I'm not even sure it was a symptom or just… well, because I was really getting on her nerves. But she jumped at me whenever I wanted to talk to her about her sickness and what might have caused it."

"She also complained about abdominal pain, right?" Dr. Velasquez finally said. "I mean, before she lost the child but also afterwards."

"_Baby girl? Are you okay?" Derek asked over the phone when he heard her gasp._

"_Yeah." she replied and took a deep breath. "It's just… I don't know. My stomach hurts. If I didn't know bette__r I'd say I ripped my stitches."_

"_And the doctors still don't know what's wrong with you?" He really started to get worried about her. She'd already been ill for over a week now. First it was the headache and the nausea and now she was in pain._

"Yeah, how do you know?" Derek asked a little puzzled. "Do you know what's wrong with her?"

"I have an idea." she affirmed. "But I need to run a few tests to be entirely sure. Can you give me the name of her doctor so I can get in touch with him or her?"

Derek gave her the name and address of Penelope's doctor. Fortunately, he'd taken Penelope there last week. "But she saw several other doctors beforehand."

"That doesn't matter since they certainly all run the same tests. Plus, I'm sure her doctor already got in touch with them." she answered as she took down the address.

"You should go and check on her today." she then said. "Try to convince her to come here! If she refuses tell her to go and see her usual doctor. I'll make her send me a blood sample."

"Don't you at least… want to see her?" Derek asked a little puzzled.

"I don't need to." she shrugged. "The blood sample can tell me more than spending two hours examining her. That's what my job is about and that's what I need to detect diseases or an intoxication."

Derek just nodded.

"And try to get me some of her hairs." she said. When Derek gave her a puzzled look she smiled: "The hair accumulates poison the best. You said that Agent Garcia has been sick for almost half a year now. Presumed someone poisoned her and whatever he or she used is detectable at all the person might have stopped by now – but it would still be detectable in her hair."


	5. Denial

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Denial

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #21 Laguz (fear, avoidance)

**Word count: **1844

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 5/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. Derek tries to convince Penelope to see the specialist Reid suggested.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _I know, many of you are waiting for an update of 'Worries, hesitancy and too much thinking', but I'm a little stuck with that story. So I don't know when chapter 20 will be finished. Until it is, I hope you enjoy the next chapter of 'Loser Lynch'. :)_

He drove as fast as he could. Something was wrong. He could sense that, he just knew it. Something was terribly wrong. And he needed to convince her to come with him especially since he wouldn't be able to check on her for who knows how long when they were on a case. Why wouldn't Hotch let him stay behind?! Maybe he should try and take a few days off – even though he was sure Hotch wouldn't let him.

When Derek arrived at their apartment he wasn't the least bit surprised that Lynch opened the door. "I want to talk to Penelope." Derek snarled.

"She's not feeling well." Lynch said blocking the door. "Can I deliver a message to her?"

"No, I want to SEE her." he was already breathing fire. Why the hell didn't Lynch just let him in to talk to Penelope?!

"As I said she is ill." the other man shrugged. "And she's asleep. I don't want to wake her up."

"Well, you will have to 'cause I want to talk to her, NOW!" Derek said staring the man in front of him down. He wouldn't leave without at least having seen her.

"I'm sorry." Lynch replied. "I thought you would understand that she needs rest."

Frowning Derek took a step forward: "Listen, Lynch, you'll let me talk to her now or I'll arrest you for kidnapping."

"I didn't kidnap anyone." he objected.

"You can tell all that to your lawyer afterwards." Derek grumbled.

Lynch seemed to think it over and then said: "You can't do this. You… you wouldn't…"

"I wouldn't rely too much on that." Derek said and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Finally Lynch gave into him and let him come in. This was getting harder than he'd imagined it to be. Even though he'd known that Agent Morgan would try and defeat his plan. But he wouldn't give up that easily. Should Derek Morgan talk to her and assure himself that Penelope WAS sick and depressed. Maybe then he would finally leave her alone.

"Thanks." Derek said as Lynch had led him to their bedroom and shut the door in his face. He needed to talk to Penelope alone!

She was lying on the bed obviously asleep and she looked even worse than yesterday. She was pale, even her otherwise full red lips were just a slight glint of rose. But her sleep didn't seem to be peaceful, she was wincing from time to time or moaning slightly.

Carefully Derek sat down on her bed and stroked her hair. "Baby girl?" he softly said. "Penelope? Wake up!"

She made a sound of complaint before she started to move and her eyes fluttered open. At first she gave him a puzzled look and then a small smile: "Hey, gorgeous." she whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I just came over to see how you're doing." he replied truthfully. "We've missed you in the briefing and I decided it would be better if I checked on you."

"Just because I called in sick?" she mumbled a little baffled. "You could have shown up here after work."

"That's true." he nodded and took a deep breath. "But… well, Emily said you seemed pretty… down yesterday. So I thought that you maybe needed something."

"You talked about me?" she frowned.

"We're all worried about you, doll face." he explained. "This is not normal."

Slowly she raised into a sitting position: "What do you mean?"

"All this." he said pointing at her. "You've been repeatedly ill for almost half a year now and still no one seems to know what's wrong with you. And now Emily said you were almost depressed yesterday. That's not like you."

"I know." she nodded and looked down.

Derek could see her lower lip starting to tremble. At first he'd thought that her eyes had been puffy because he'd just woken her up. But it seemed she had cried a lot lately. "Hey." he whispered as he pulled her into a tight embrace. "It's okay, sweetness."

"No, it's not." she sniffled. "This is not like me. I'm not even sure why I'm feeling this way it's just that… I feel like crying all the time. And I don't know why I'm feeling so ill. I was fine yesterday but this morning I simply couldn't get up."

He pulled back a little to look at her. "Your stomach again?" he carefully asked.

She nodded. "And the headache. And besides Emily was right, I feel… depressed. Something's wrong with me, Derek."

"I don't think there's something wrong with YOU." He mumbled and then said: "Have you seen a doctor lately?"

"Three days ago." she affirmed. "They even made a gastroscopy and a full blood work. But they didn't really find anything. Just that there's something wrong with my kidneys. But Dr. Arnold said it wasn't that bad and couldn't have caused the sickness."

"Cup cake, you should really consider seeing a specialist." Derek advised. "Reid recommended someone. Maybe you should go and see her, just to be sure."

"What kind of specialist?" she wanted to know.

Derek hesitated for a moment before he explained: "A specialist for infectious diseases."

"I don't think that'll help." she sighed. "They already tested me for every disease they could think of but the tests all came back negative."

"She also worked as a toxicologist." Derek said before he could think about his words.

"You think I was accidentally poisoned?" her eyes widened obviously in shock.

"Or on purpose." he firmly added.

"What?" she almost shrieked. "You think that… Kevin poisoned me?"

Before he was able to answer Penelope pushed him away. "No, Derek! I know that you don't like him but he wouldn't do that to me, he simply wouldn't!"

"But you said he wanted you to quit your job." he reminded her. "And now you're too sick to go to work at all."

"No!" she almost shouted. "You don't know him but I do! He wouldn't do that. He loves me."

"Okay" Derek defensively raised his hands and gave her a warm smile, "I believe you. But still you should see the specialist. Maybe she can find out what's wrong with you."

"I'll think about it." she mumbled.

Damn, he had known that she would react like that! "Penelope, baby girl, I'm just here to try and help you." he tried to calm her down. "I didn't mean to accuse Kevin of anything. I mean, it could as well be something in your new furniture or even in the apartment itself."

"But you'd like it best if it was him." she added bitterly.

"No, because I don't want anyone to hurt you." he locked eyes with her to make her aware that he was serious. "I'm just trying to protect you. I know that maybe… certainly I'm overreacting. But after everything I know and have already seen in this job I'd rather be safe than sorry."

"He wouldn't do this to me." she repeated. "He loves me."

"I know he does." Derek assured. "And I'm glad that he's here to take care of you."

"You're lying." Penelope whispered.

Of course, he was. He was far from happy that Lynch was with her the whole day long. But what could he say? I want to kick this guy's ass because I think he's trying to make you stay at home by poisoning you? Yeah, that sounded like the most adequate thing to say.

"Okay, I admit I don't like him." Derek sighed. Now THAT was an understatement. "But just because I can't stop being worried about you."

"You don't need to be." she assured. "I'm fine. WE are fine. Kevin's taking good care of me. He would never do me any harm."

"I hope so." Derek mumbled.

"Why can't you just believe that he's a good guy?" Penelope whispered.

"I'll try." Derek smiled. "But in the meantime I'd rather not leave you alone with him."

"Penelope needs some rest now." he heard the annoying voice coming from the door. When he turned he saw Kevin Lynch frowning at him and impatiently tapping his right foot.

"I think you should leave." she quietly said. Derek was her best friend and Kevin was her boyfriend. She didn't want to lose either of them but if they couldn't at least try and get along with each other she certainly would have to make a decision she simply couldn't make.

"Sure." he mumbled. It was obviously time for him to leave now. "Get some rest." he smiled and leaned in to kiss her forehead ignoring the grumble that came from the door – secretly even enjoying it.. "We need you at work, you know that."

Penelope nodded and Derek saw new tears welling up in her eyes. But as much as he wanted to hold her he was rather sure she wouldn't let him. Not with Lynch standing in the doorway. So he left.

Outside the door Derek collected the few hairs from his jacket, put them in a plastic bag and then fished his cell phone out of his pocket to call Dr. Velasquez.

"Could you talk to her?" the woman answered the phone.

"Yeah, after I convinced Lynch to cooperate with us." Derek sighed. "Thank goodness that guy's a wimp."

"What did you find out?" she wanted to know.

"She said she'd seen her doctor three days ago and they did a blood work but couldn't find anything." he informed her. "Just that something was wrong with her kidneys."

He got behind the steering wheel and ran his hand over his face. "She looked even worse than yesterday. And she'd noticed that something's wrong. But she refused to believe that it could be Kevin's fault."

"You told her about your suspicion?" the frown was even audible in Dr. Velazquez's voice.

"No" Derek sighed again, "well, yes, I had to when I asked her to go with me to see you and she refused. I said that she could also have been poisoned and you could find out. She just said that Lynch was taking good care of her and that he wouldn't do this to her. As much as I want to believe that…"

"Everything's militating against him?" Dr. Velasquez let out a soft sigh. "Agent Morgan, we shouldn't jump to conclusions yet. This sickness could have been caused by pretty much anything. But the fact that he didn't want to let you talk to her worries me. It looks a little like he's trying to separate her from you."

"Yeah, fat chance of that!" Derek snarled. "I'm not going to let that happen."

He hung up and drove back to the Bureau. Once Dr. Velasquez had found out what was wrong with his baby girl she could hopefully treat her and Penelope would get back to her normal self and most important back to work, to the team, where she belonged.

And if Lynch had caused any of this he would regret the day he was born, that much was for sure.


	6. Realization

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Realization

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #6 Kenaz (loss of illusion and false hope)

**Word count: **2063

**Rating:** T just to be sure

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 6/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. Realization usually hits when it's too late.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

"Where are my car keys?" Penelope wanted to know. "I'm going to be late for work." She was glad that today she was at least able to go to work at all.

"You don't need to go to work." Kevin smiled at her.

She turned to frown at him: "What do you mean?"

"I called in sick for you." he explained with a smirk. "That means we have the whole day for ourselves."

"Kevin, I'm fine… why did you… Where are the keys for Esther?" she was starting to get seriously angry with him.

But he refused to answer.

"Fine." Penelope grumbled and headed for the door. She could as well take the bus or a cab. When she reached for the knob she found the front door of their apartment locked. Sighing she fished her keys out of her purse and tried them… They didn't fit.

Slowly she turned around just to find Kevin directly behind her. "Why is the door locked?" she whispered.

"You don't need to go anywhere." he just shrugged, the smirk Penelope had liked so much until now still on his face.

"Why don't my keys fit anymore?" she wanted to know.

"I changed the lock." he replied with a nonchalant shrug.

"Why?" she gasped. This couldn't be true, it simply couldn't be happening.

"Because I knew that otherwise you wouldn't stay here with me." he smiled and put an arm around her shoulders to lead her back into their apartment. "As I said those people have too much influence on you and you need a break from work and from them."

"But I can't just…" she stopped in the middle of the sentence when she saw the fury on his face. He looked like he was ready to hit her if she didn't agree with him.

"I said you need some time off." he hissed.

"Okay." Penelope quickly agreed and let him lead her towards the bedroom. Derek had been here just yesterday and he had called the day before. He surely wouldn't stop checking on her.

But what was she going to do if he came over again?! He would see that he'd been right about Kevin and that she never got a nice guy.

"You know, I'm really feeling a little tired." she gave Kevin the most honest smile she could manage. "You're certainly right, I should get some rest."

"Do so." he nodded, a wide grin on his face. "I'll take care of you."

"I know you will." she whispered and swallowed as he leaned forward to kiss her. For a second she managed to pretend that everything was still fine, just like it had been the day before. That Kevin loved her, just wanted to take care of her and that she was on cloud nine.

But when he pulled back and she looked at him the realization hit her again. Derek had been right, once again. How could she ever have thought that someone truly loved her and that there wasn't a snag about it?!

"I'll check on you later." he promised.

Penelope just nodded and disappeared in the bedroom where she broke down on the bed and cried for what seemed like the rest of the day.

It must be a bad dream that she was locked up in their apartment by the man she loved and she'd thought loved her too. Maybe she should try and call for help. But when she tried to open the window she noticed that he'd changed the catch and it was locked as well. So she laid back down on the bed, curled up into a ball again and tried to sleep.

Kevin left her alone for the rest of the day. He came in to check on her a couple of times but she pretended to be asleep. He woke her up for dinner and started to kiss her afterwards. She'd always liked being touched by him but suddenly it made her feel sick.

She told him to stop and the next second she disappeared in the bathroom where she had to throw up. She didn't even need to pretend to be sick. She really was.

"Are you okay?" he asked through the door.

"Yeah" she replied from where she was sitting next to the toilet, "I'm fine. Just… sick. Gimme a minute."

Fortunately that was enough to make him leave her alone for the rest of the night.

The next day she realized that Kevin had taken away her laptop and her cell phone so there was no way she could call anyone or at least send an email. When she asked him about it he just said that she needed 'a pause from all the technology'.

The days past and no one came to check on her. She started wondering what Kevin might have told them. Had he told them she was severely ill? Or that she didn't want to see any of them? Wasn't she supposed to see a doctor if she was ill for a longer period of time?

After about three days Penelope decided that it was time to take matters into her own hand.

When Kevin went out to do some shopping she used one of her hairpins to try and unlock the door. Unfortunately, that turned out to be much harder than it looked when they did it in the movies so she decided to try something else.

She searched the drawers for some tools. She could dismantle a computer and put it together afterwards. It must be possible for her to dismantle the lock.

It was. She'd just managed to open the door and was pretty much running down the corridor when Kevin returned. He stepped out of the elevators and suddenly blocked her way.

She swallowed hard at the stern expression on his face.

He didn't say anything. Instead he raised his hand and hit her.

Holding her aching cheek she stared at him in shock.

Kevin grabbed her hand, forced her back into the apartment, then into the bedroom and threw her on the bed. "You'll stay here!" he snarled as he locked the door behind him. He left her alone, certainly to fix the lock in their front door.

This wasn't happening, it simply couldn't be. Kevin wasn't the kind of guy who hit his girlfriend. He wouldn't do all this to her. He loved her!

At least that was what she'd been thinking until now. She just wished that Derek would come to her rescue. Or maybe it was better if he didn't so she didn't have to go through the embarrassment of proving him right again.

Why was all this happening to her? First Battle and now Kevin. Why wasn't she allowed to meet a nice guy who could love her, not some psycho who either wanted to kill her or lock her away from the rest of the world? Maybe being happy just wasn't meant for her.

When Kevin returned he was beside himself with anger. He grabbed her upper arms and shook her forcefully. "Why did you do this?" he shouted at her.

"I'm sorry." Penelope whispered and ducked instinctively afraid that he would hit her again.

"You wanted to leave me!" he yelled and raised his fist.

When he let go of her she fell back down on the bed and immediately curled up in a ball to hide from the hits she expected.

But he didn't hit her. In contrast, his face suddenly softened when he noticed that she was sobbing. Catching her in his arms and gently swaying her back and forth Kevin softly said: "I'm sorry, Penelope, I didn't want to hurt you."

She just nodded not sure what he wanted her to say and afraid she might say something wrong. She didn't even dare to try and fight him. If only she'd listened to Derek instead of deceiving herself!

It was probably true that Kevin had poisoned her to make her ill and maybe he'd even caused the miscarriage. But why? Why would he do that? Well, he constantly begged her to stop working basically because he was insanely jealous of Derek. And he'd not been happy when she'd told him about the baby.

Smiling Kevin pulled back a little, caressed her cheek and leaned in to peck her lips. Then he went to the kitchen to bring her some ice for the black eye that was slowly forming on her face.

She couldn't manage to say anything. But she managed to give him a weak smile.

"You know, I love to take care of you." Kevin said and gently stroked her hair.

Penelope shivered in response to his touch – but for the first time it wasn't out of excitement but out of fear and disgust.

Kevin didn't seem to notice that or he didn't pay attention. He kept smiling at her and whispered: "We'll always be together. No one will get between us, I'll make sure of that. You're safe here, I'll keep you safe."

She nodded. The only problem was that he was the one from whom she needed to be saved. He'd hit her once. That meant it was only a matter of time before he'd hit her again. Penelope had seen that happen way too often. But she'd never thought it would happen to her.

"You know that I can take good care of you, right?" he asked.

"Yes." she managed to respond.

"Good." he grinned happily. "Because from now on I'll never gonna leave you alone again."

Penelope smiled and swallowed hard. She had a feeling that this wasn't an idle threat.

For the rest of the day he was the sweet and caring man she'd fallen in love with and if he hadn't locked her up in the bedroom she'd maybe even been able to pretend that everything was normal, just as perfect as it used to be.

But of course, that wouldn't have changed anything. She'd just been deceiving herself again. She should stop thinking that any normal man in this world would ever be truly interested in her. She only got the psychopaths – if she got anyone at all.

She wasn't sure what was more humiliating, the fact that her boyfriend had turned out to be a psychopath who had locked her up in their apartment and now started to hit her and that there was no way she could have gotten out of here.

Or the fact that she'd been so wrong about him. After all, she'd trusted him, fallen in love with him, even moved with him. She'd been the one who'd given him the opportunity to do all this to her in the first place.

She needed to get out of there! She definitely deserved something better than that! And she'd rather die old and lonely than be locked up in that bedroom for the rest of her life.

If only she could at least send a message to anyone. Or if only Derek came by to check on her again – or anyone else for that matter. She could just cry for help then. But as long as there was no one there to hear her that would only make Kevin more angry.

And when Kevin came to bed with her that evening she had to realize that things could only get worse. He leaned over to kiss her and at first she didn't refuse. But when he started to unbutton the blouse she was wearing she pushed him away.

"What?" Kevin asked angrily. "Don't you want me anymore?"

"Yes, I do." she quickly objected. "It's just… I… I'm not feeling well. I have a headache and… and my stomach… it still hurts."

"Don't lie to me." he yelled at her and grabbed her wrists to keep her from fighting him. "You should be better by now, I know that!"

"I'm not feeling better." she whimpered. In fact, she was feeling worse than ever before.

"You never spurned me before and you won't start now!" he hissed as he ripped her blouse open. "I'm not the loser you can treat like that."

"Don't! Please, don't!" Penelope begged and tried to fight him. She screamed – even though she was sure that no one would hear her anyway – tried to punch him and kick him. But unfortunately, Kevin was much stronger than she was.


	7. Rescue

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Rescue

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #13 Eihwaz (defense, protection)

**Word count: **2092

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 7/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. The title pretty much implies what happens.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _First of all a big thanks to Gretchen for beta-reading and, of course, to everyone who reviewed and added the story to favorites and/or story alert. I agree with the last sentence of this chapter which means I'm not sure how many chapters the story is going to have._

_I fear you'll have to wait a little for another update again. There are still two stories for other challenges I have to write and – believe it or not – there are stories I've written for other fandoms ages ago that I finally want to post. :)_

_In the meantime, you could spend your time reading other stories. For example, _**Leaving**_ and _**Almost Lost**_ by _**AussieStar**_. I'm sure you won't regret reading them._

* * *

When Dr. Velasquez had called him about five hours ago with the results of her tests, he'd put her on speaker so that the rest of the team could hear her as well. JJ had nearly fainted when she'd heard the results – but still she believed that Penelope had accidentally been poisoned.

But at least Hotch had decided that they all should head back to Quantico, the case was nearly over anyway. He said that he needed to talk to Lynch and Garcia before they jumped to any conclusions.

Of course, Derek had insisted on going with Hotch – and so had the rest of the team. So now they were on their way to the apartment Kevin and Penelope had moved in.

He could already hear her scream when he stepped out of the elevator. He should have stayed behind! Maybe now it was already too late. Lynch was about to do God knows what to his baby girl – not to mention the things he could already have done.

He didn't wait for any approval when he ran towards the apartment. He didn't knock, he didn't even draw his gun. He just kicked in the door and when he entered the bedroom from where her screams came the sight in front of him made him lose it.

Kevin was lying on top of Penelope who was desperately trying to fight him in any way. She was in her underwear, the rest of her clothes torn and lying around the bed.

Derek launched forward, grabbed Lynch and practically threw him against the next wall. Kevin's begging not to hurt him was answered by a few punches in his face and stomach. "Bloody bastard!" Derek hissed as he stemmed his forearm into Kevin's throat almost strangling him. He was ready to kill him when he raised his fist once more.

Only then did Hotch interfere. "Morgan!"

Derek snorted and when he turned a little to look at his boss his eyes fell upon the figure on the bed, curled up in a ball and almost entirely hidden under the blanket, hidden from the sight and touches of the people surrounding her bed trying to offer comfort and make her stand up. And his urge to kill this sleaze gave way to an urge to soothe Penelope.

"Get this shitface out of my sight!" he hissed and pushed his way through his co-workers to the bed.

Hotch handcuffed a protesting Kevin with the help of Rossi and pushed him out of the room – just a bit harder than necessary.

"Don't touch her!" Derek almost yelled at his co-workers as he knelt down next to the bed. "Get out! Everybody, get out of here!"

A little puzzled and definitely unwillingly JJ, Emily and Reid left the room.

"Baby girl?" Derek softly said. "It's okay, they're all gone, it's just me."

When she didn't answer nor react in any way Derek slowly pulled the blanket off of her.

She just curled up more trying to escape from the rest of the world.

Carefully Derek made her turn towards him, placed his hand under her chin and forced her to look at him. He drew in a sharp breath when he saw the bruise on her right cheek and the black eye. If Lynch should ever cross his way again…

Penelope just looked down, away from him. She couldn't stop the shiver that ran down her spine.

Derek gently pulled her to her feet and into a tight embrace, took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"Why… are you here?" Penelope asked after a while.

"Dr. Velasquez called us a few hours ago." he replied. "I'm sorry I deceived you like this but I… I talked to her, told her about your symptoms and then I brought her a hair sample from you. She tested it."

"He poisoned me." she didn't need to ask that. It was the only logical conclusion.

"Yes." Derek affirmed. "With some wood preservative or something similar. I'm so sorry, I should have… done something earlier."

The apartment stayed quiet for a while until JJ poked her head into the bedroom. "The CSI team is here." she informed them. "They're searching the apartment now. We should…"

"Go!" Derek interrupted her. "I'll take Penelope to the hospital."

Nodding JJ left with a concerned look at her friend.

"Agent Morgan?" one of the CSI people asked as he stepped through the door just a minute later. "We found some wood preservative hidden in the kitchen counter and this in a locked medicine case in the bathroom."

Derek took the box from him and sadly shook his head. Cytotec. He'd read about that, a stomachic medicine that was also used to induce labor – and for illegal abortion. "Seems the poisoning wasn't enough." he mumbled.

Penelope closed her eyes and buried her face deeper in his chest. Apparently, Kevin had poisoned her with some wood preservative for who knew how long and he'd given her this pill without her knowledge so that she lost their child.

She suddenly felt sick at this thought. She wasn't sure anymore if she had ever been able to give birth to his child. How could she have been so wrong about him? How could she have been so blind?

"Come on, baby girl." Derek whispered. "We should take you to the hospital so that they can treat you. You'll be fine in no time at all."

"I'm not sure about this." she replied voicelessly.

"But I am." Derek said and gently kissed the top of her head. "Because I'll make sure of that. Now come on, let's get you outta here."

"I should get dressed." she objected weakly.

Derek nodded, unwillingly let go of her and drew in another sharp breath when his eyes fell on the clearly visible bruises on her thighs.

"Sweetness, did he… rape you?" he asked. He knew that he eventually had to ask that question and he'd rather do it here than in the hospital for everyone else to hear.

She shook her head without looking at him. "No" she replied, "I mean, after all he was my boyfriend."

Derek clenched his fists at her words and said through gritted teeth: "But still if he forced you to do anything you didn't want to do…"

"He didn't." she interrupted him. "You were here in time, remember."

"And that… was his first attempt?" he wanted to know.

Penelope just nodded.

He closed his eyes for a moment hoping that she told him the truth and turned his back on her so she could get dressed. He heard her search the wardrobe for some clothes.

"I'm done." she announced after only a few seconds.

When Derek turned around he saw her start to shake again and quickly caught her in his arms. "It's okay, angel, you're safe."

But she pushed him away, took a deep breath and said: "I know. Just take me to the hospital, please! The sooner I get there the sooner I'm outta there again."

Derek refused to leave her alone. He didn't even want to leave the examining room but a nurse finally convinced him to do so.

When Hotch arrived, he was pacing the waiting room. Both men had a concerned frown on their faces.

"Is he going to be put behind bars?" was Derek's first question.

"I'll make sure of that." Hotch replied. "She's still in the examination room?"

Nodding Derek ran a hand over his head. "Did Lynch admit to anything? About… what he did to her?"

"He's silent on that." Hotch grumbled. "That's why we need her clinical report."

"If he raped her, he's dead, I swear it. I'm gonna kill him!" Derek mumbled.

"I'll just pretend I never heard that." Hotch gave him a deprecating glance.

"What? Don't you want that bastard's head on a stick?"

"First of all, I want someone to take care of Garcia." he replied. "Someone should be with her when she breaks down."

Derek raised both his eyebrows at him: "You think she will."

Hotch just frowned at him. Then pointed his head towards the door of the hospital room and answered: "If I were in her position, I would break down."

Derek nodded and sighed. If only he could go in and be with her!

"Once she's physically healed I want her to go to therapy." Hotch added. "They offer several therapies here and I'll make her join one for at least four weeks."

"I don't like that thought and I know she won't like it either. But I think it's the right thing to do." Derek sighed again and ran his hand over his head once more. "I should have stayed behind." he mumbled more to himself than to Hotch.

Nonetheless the latter quietly replied: "I know."

"You can go in and see her now." a nurse interrupted them.

"Ma'am, this is Aaron Hotchner with the FBI, I'm Agent Garcia's supervisor." he drew his badge and held it out to the woman. "I need a copy of her clinical report to press charges against her attacker."

"Of course" the nurse nodded, "but this might take a while."

"Has she been raped?" Morgan interrupted them. He needed to know.

The nurse frowned at him but when she saw the asking look on Hotch's face she answered: "We didn't find any proof of a rape apart from the bruises on her thighs. But we can't tell for sure. After all he was her boyfriend and…"

Derek nodded briefly before he rushed into the examination room. He didn't want to hear that or even think about it. All he wanted to do at the moment was to hold her in his arms again. But when he saw her he didn't dare.

Penelope was sitting on the bed, her hands folded in her lap and her eyes staring at the blanket in front of her. She didn't even look up when he entered.

Cautiously Derek stepped closer and sat down on the bed next to her. When she still didn't react he hesitantly reached out and placed his hand over hers.

"The whole time I was hoping that it was just a bad dream." she finally whispered without taking her eyes off the point in front of her. "But I just didn't wake up."

He should have forced her to go with him! He should have carried her out of that goddamn apartment and she wouldn't have to go through all this! "Baby, I'm so sorry. If we hadn't been on a case for the past four days I would have checked on you again. But Hotch refused to let me stay behind."

"Four days?" Penelope raised her eyes at him. "It was… only four days?"

Derek just nodded and gave her another concerned look. The sight of her almost ripped his heart out of his chest. She looked so ill and so… lost. He couldn't think of another word to describe the way she looked.

"How could I have been so wrong about him?" she asked in a low voice.

Derek tried to give her the most honest smile he could manage at the moment. "We all were wrong about him." he reminded her.

"No, you weren't." Penelope objected. "You knew that he wasn't a nice guy."

"Actually, I was just being overprotective." Derek sighed. "I didn't know anything about him."

"But you know me." she said almost not audible.

Derek frowned at her. But before he could ask what that was supposed to mean Penelope raised her head to look at him again.

"You know, you can go home now." she said giving him a fake smile. "You don't have to stay and babysit me."

"Sorry, sweetness, I'm not going anywhere." he smiled.

"Really, I'll be fine." she sighed. "Just… go, okay."

"You know me." Derek gently replied and put a strand of her golden hair behind her ear. "I can't just go and leave you alone."

For a moment they remained silent and just looked at each other. Penelope tried to find an answer in his eyes no one could give her and Derek tried to find out how he could make sure that she would be okay, that she could deal with all this.

"You don't have to worry about me." she finally assured him. "Kevin is gone. It's over, right?"

He just nodded as he cupped her cheek with one hand gently brushing his thumb over it. They both knew too well that it was far from being over.


	8. Desolation

Title: Secrets

**Title: **Desolation

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #23 Dagaz (hopelessness)

**Word count: **1961

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 8/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _Hey there, it's me. No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. Well, actually I have in a way but I was lucky and found my way back. :) I've started my new job, or the last part of my education to be more precise. It's a long story and maybe I'll find the time to blog about it one day but now I hope you'll enjoy this chapter._

_A big thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'll try to answer all of you, but certainly won't manage to do so before the weekend._

_I'm still working on the 'Worries' story and will hopefully have the next chapter finished by the end of this week. But as I said, my job's keeping me really busy (as much as I enjoy it, it can be challenging at times)._

_But now, go on, read, enjoy… oh, and don't kill me. :)_

"Penelope?" Derek said, the surprise obvious in his voice. "Hey."

"Hey." she smiled at him but failed to make it look genuine. "They just released me from the hospital."

"Really?" he raised his eyebrows at her. "I thought they wanted to keep you there at least a few more weeks."

"Yeah, they didn't deem it necessary, I guess." she shrugged. "After all, the toxin has been removed and all. I'll be fine."

Derek frowned at her. Maybe he should call the hospital and ask them, just to be sure. On the other hand he didn't want her to feel controlled and mistrusted.

"You know, I didn't have any money with me but I needed a cab." she told him quietly. "Could you pay the driver? I'll give you the money back later."

"Sure, of course!" he quickly nodded and grabbed his wallet. "Come in and get comfortable, I'll be right back." He smiled at her, hesitated for a moment and then kissed her cheek before he disappeared through his door.

When Derek came back Penelope was still standing in his doorway. She looked so lost that he took a step forward and caught her in his arms. He held her for a good twenty minutes.

"Could you drive me home?" she asked a little huskily and broke free from his embrace.

"Doll face, I think you shouldn't go back to that apartment." he replied. "You can stay here if you like."

Her head shot up and she stared at him for a second. Did that mean he wanted her to stay overnight? But she didn't want to go back to the apartment. So she nodded. "Thank you."

"Hey" Derek said soothingly and grabbed her hand. "you know, I'm always there when you need me."

She gave him a sad smile and whispered: "Yeah, I know." Maybe she shouldn't have come here. Not that she didn't want his company or his comfort, in fact she needed him now more than ever – and at the moment she didn't know where else to go.

But she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to go back to her old life. Maybe she should consider quitting her job and starting a life, somewhere where nobody knew about her or her past. Somewhere where she could just forget about everything.

For the next few days Derek tried his best to take care of her and cheer her up. He refused to let her return to the apartment and instead convinced her to stay with him and Penelope realized what she would leave behind if she really left. How could she start a new life somewhere else if it was without him, her best friend. On the other hand it hurt more and more every day that this was all he was and would ever be, her best friend.

Derek frowned at her in concern when he prepared the tea in the kitchen. She was sitting on his couch staring at the coffee table in front of her and absentmindedly stroking a whining Clooney. Even the dog noticed that something was terribly wrong with her. Almost another week and it hadn't got one bit better.

Not that she seemed to suffer or anything and to everyone else she'd certainly seemed just fine, maybe a little calm. But Derek knew her too well not to be concerned. In the years they'd already known each other he'd seen her act in every possible way. But one thing she'd never been was calm. Penelope Garcia was never at a loss of some playful words or an indecency. And now she barely said anything and he hadn't seen her laugh in what seemed like ages.

And he simply was at his wit's end. He didn't know what to do to help her. Finally Derek decided that maybe she just needed a change of surroundings. So he picked up his phone and called the only person he could think of who immediately could provide a place for them to stay for a couple of days.

"Derek." Fran answered happily after she'd checked the caller ID and then she frowned. She knew her son way too well to assume that he simply called her to say hello. "What's wrong? Are you hurt or anything?"

Derek smiled at the questions. Of course, his mother knew that something was wrong when he called her on a day that was neither a birthday nor any other holiday.

"No, I'm fine. But I need you to do me a favor." he decided that it was better not to beat about the bush. "It's about Penelope."

"Your technical analyst?" Fran asked. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's been… having a very hard time recently." he carefully answered. "You know, after she was shot she met another guy and he… wasn't exactly what she'd pictured him to be. She's really down at the moment and I just thought that a little holiday would do her good."

"When are you planning to come here?" she wanted to know.

Derek sighed with relief. He'd known that he could rely on his mother. "How about Saturday?" he replied.

"Only if you promise to go to church with me on Sunday."

He chuckled at that: "We'll see, mom. See you on Saturday."

That being said he hung up and frowned once more at the woman on his couch. Taking a deep breath he walked over to her, handed her a cup of tea and sat down next to her. It certainly wouldn't be easy to convince her of their little trip to see his mother.

After almost five minutes of silence he decided that he should just get it over with. "You know, I've been thinking about this and I… well, I think maybe we both need a little holiday."

When she didn't answer Derek continued: "So I called my mother and asked her if we could come over for a couple of days this Saturday. She said it wouldn't be a problem so all we have to do is pack some things together and book a flight."

"Okay." Penelope shrugged.

Derek raised both his eyebrows. Okay? That was it? No discussion, no excuses why she couldn't go with him? Now he was really starting to get worried.

She made him take her to the apartment she'd shared with Lynch to get some clothes. Derek watched her pack a suitcase in the bedroom where that sleaze had locked her up and tried to rape her – and his concern grew.

She wasn't showing the least reaction. She didn't shake or even take a deep breath when she entered the room. She acted like nothing had ever happened in there.

And it seemed that she was getting quieter every day, as if she shrunk into herself more and more – and somehow Derek felt that he was losing her. On their flight to Chicago she didn't say a single word, she just stared out of the window. And she remained that way in the car on their ride to the Morgan house.

He'd been driving this route so many times that he couldn't count them anymore – but he'd never felt as uneasy before as he felt today. If only he knew what to do to make things better. If only he knew how to get his baby girl back.

She'd always been so light-hearted, chipper and cheerful, especially around him. Since the day they'd met there'd only been very few days where he hadn't seen her laugh. She'd been such a blitheful and happy person – and Lynch had destroyed all that.

When they arrived at his mother's house the elder woman was already standing in the door awaiting them, a wide smile on her face. She greeted her son with a hug and then shook hands with Penelope.

"Hello, Mrs. Morgan." Penelope said unusually firmly. "It's nice to meet you. Thank you for letting us stay with you."

"It's not like this is a big sacrifice." Fran put her off. "I love to have guests and I see my son much too seldom."

Derek smiled sadly at the scene and found himself wishing that he'd introduced Penelope to his mother under much better circumstances.

"You care a lot about her." Fran stated when Penelope had disappeared in the bathroom to refresh a little.

"I love her." he replied without even thinking about his words or to whom he said them. "She's special."

Fran frowned and eyed her son up. "I think you should try and find out what kind of love you're feeling for her." she mumbled.

But Derek was too lost in his thoughts to really listen to her words. "I don't know what to do, mom. I've never seen her like this before. I mean, she went to a therapy and stuff. If they weren't sure that she'd be okay they wouldn't have released her from hospital, right?"

"Maybe she just needs a little more time." Fran shrugged. "Or maybe you're right and all she needed was a change of surroundings. Or maybe she'll start to get better once you stop worrying so much about her. You know that this can become oppressive."

Derek sighed. "Yeah, you're certainly right. It's just that… this is so unlike her. You know, she's always been pretty much a chatterbox and now she barely says a word."

"I figure she has a lot to think about and a lot to deal with at the moment." Fran tried to calm him down. "If I were her I'd be thoughtful as well."

All he could do was hope that his mother was right. And the evening gave him at least a spark of hope that Penelope would eventually recover.

She talked a lot with Fran about her past, the job and – of course – about Derek. That quickly became their favorite topic for the evening much to his annoyance.

But when Derek heard Penelope laugh at one of the stories from his childhood Fran told her he figured that this was a very low price to pay if it could make her feel a bit better.

The next morning Fran nagged Derek about going to church with her until he finally gave in and agreed causing her to smile triumphantly.

"I'll go and ask Penelope if she wants to join us." he mumbled and shook his head. _Mothers!_

He found her sitting on the bed in the room that had once been Sarah's bedroom.

She looked up when he entered the room and gave him a small smile.

Derek frowned at her in concern and knelt down in front of her. She was calm again, the spark of playfulness he'd seen in her the evening before gone again. But unlike before she seemed rather determined than just quiet and Derek wondered what she was determined to do.

"Mom and I are going to church." he informed her. "I know, that doesn't sound like me but what can I say? She's still my mother, if you know what I mean."

This caused her to smile a little more.

"Do you want to join us?" he asked.

Penelope shook her head. "Going to church isn't for me. I haven't been there once after my parents died."

"It's never too late." he smiled. "Are you sure you don't wanna join us?"

"Go, I'll be fine." she assured him and returned his smile as good as she could.

"Okay" Derek sighed, "I promise we won't be away for too long." He leaned forward to kiss her forehead and wanted to get up.

"Derek?" Penelope held him back.

"Yeah?" he gave her one of those irresistible smiles she loved so much and knelt back down.

"Thank you." she whispered. God, how much she would miss this smile and these beautiful deep brown eyes. "For everything you did for me."

"You know that I'm always there." he assured as he gently stroked her cheek. "Whenever you need me."

"I know." she nodded. "I just wanted you to know… how much that means to me." And then she leaned forward and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I love you, Derek."

"I love you, too, baby girl." he replied as he hugged her back.

They held each other for several minutes and once again Derek started to get worried. Penelope hugged him as if she was sure it was the last time she would ever get the chance to do it.

"This is not your fault." she finally whispered. "None of it."

"I know" he assured her and pulled back to look into her eyes, "and it's not your fault either."

She smiled the saddest smile he had ever seen on anyone's face before she pointed her head towards the door. "You should go now, I don't want you to be late." And then she hugged him again, even tighter this time.

"Are you really sure…" Derek asked once more, his concern growing with every second he watched her. She seemed so calm, just too calm. "I mean, I could stay behind."

"Go!" was all she said as she leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Goodbye, Derek."

He nodded unwillingly and left. After all, she'd said it herself: Giving up wasn't for her. But somehow it seemed like that had changed recently.

At least she managed to hold back the tears until she saw the car turning from the driveway into the street. Goodbyes simply weren't for her, they were always too sad. But she just couldn't stand this any longer. The baby and childhood stories Fran had told her about Derek had just reminded her that she would never have children, never be able to tell such stories to anyone since there was no one who would like to be the father of her children.

This feeling of loneliness ripped at her heart since the day her parents had died and no one could ever fill in this gap inside her. Best friends were soothing and it was a good feeling to have them. But that simply wasn't enough if there wasn't anything more.

She'd believed her whole life long that one day she would find a nice guy just like everyone else. She'd believed it after her first lover had broken her heart and almost ruined her life with rumors he'd spread about her afterwards. She'd believed it after every single date that ended up with a one-night-stand – if they even got that far – and a disappointed guy rushing out of her apartment the next morning. And she'd believed it after Battle.

She'd stopped believing it after Kevin.

The story that everyone found someone eventually, someone who loved you just the way you are, simply wasn't true. At least not for her. Being happy simply wasn't meant for her. But one thing she didn't want was to feel so incredibly lonely and unwanted for the rest of her life. Nobody wanted her, so nobody should have to endure the burden of having her around.

When she looked into the mirror in the bathroom new tears sprung to her eyes. She knew this wasn't fair and she knew that it was selfish and gutless. But she just wanted this pain to finally stop.


	9. Grief

**Title: **Grief

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** # 22 Ingwaz (family love, caring, human warmth)

**Word count: **2110

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 9/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _Hi everyone! I know, you've been waiting for an update pretty long again (which was a good thing for me because I had many people speculating about what happens next). Well, what can I say? Sometimes life just gets in the way of writing. :)_

_A special thanks to my beta-reader Gretchen. Sometimes I really think I'm keeping her too busy – but since she hasn't complained so far, I'm just going on like that. :)_

_And thank all of you for the wonderful reviews I received! I hope I didn't miss answering any of them. But if I did I apologize, they were nonetheless very much appreciated. Now I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!_

"What's wrong with you?" Fran asked and rolled her eyes when Derek once again started to drum his fingers against the steering wheel. "I've never seen you this nervous before."

"I don't know." he mumbled. "I have a bad feeling. I shouldn't have left Penelope alone."

"Why? Is something wrong?" Fran wanted to know, her voice now filled with concern as well.

"As I said, I don't know." Derek sighed. "It's just a feeling. But… the way she talked to me this morning. She thanked me and hugged me. Then she said it wasn't my fault and hugged me again. It almost felt like… a goodbye."

Fran just frowned at that.

"I mean like a goodbye forever." he specified.

Fran's eyes widened. "Do you think she's gonna hurt herself?"

"I don't know." Derek sighed in frustration. "If you had asked me that half a year ago I would have said no without even thinking about it. But now I'm not too sure anymore."

"Let's drive back." she suggested uncomfortably shifting in her seat. "Just… just to be sure."

Derek didn't need to be told twice. He drove back to his mother's house as fast as he could. If only this was his goddamn car with a goddamn siren!

He hadn't even stopped the engine when he jumped out of the car and rushed into the house.

When Fran entered he was already on his way up the stairs from where they could both hear the water swoosh.

"She's just taking a shower." Fran explained.

"Baby girl?" Derek called out when they'd reached the door to the bathroom. "Penelope, answer me!"

But still there was nothing except for the constant noise of the running water.

"I'm gonna open that door if you don't answer me." he pretty much shouted, his voice full of concern. She should have heard him by now even under the shower.

"Derek, you can't just…" Fran tried to stop him but he'd already turned the doorknob.

The door was locked.

"Come on, baby cakes, open the door or answer me at least!" he called out but again received no answer.

"I'm gonna kick in that door!" he warned. And when she didn't react to that either he acted on his threat.

The door flew open and if it had been possible Derek would have gone as pale as his mother at the sight in front of him.

Penelope was lying under the shower, fully dressed, her clothes soaking from the running water. She was obviously unconscious, leaning against the wall – and from a large cut in her right forearm the blood seeped out in steady stream and disappeared in the drain.

"Oh, my God!" Fran gasped.

Derek hurried forward, turned off the water and caught Penelope's lifeless body in his arms. "Call 911!" he yelled at his mother while he ripped his left sleeve into pieces and pressed one of them on Penelope's wrist in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding.

The minutes went by like hours and Derek could practically feel the life being soaked out of Penelope's body while he failed to stop the bleeding. Not knowing what else to do he kept swaying her back and forth and pleading with her to not leave him.

"Stay with me, baby girl!" he whispered into her ear. "You can't leave me now, not like that! Do you hear me? You have to stay with me!"

When the medics finally arrived Derek refused to let go of her until they reminded him a little harshly that they weren't able to do their job with him being in their way.

"Is she gonna make it?" Derek wanted to know when the medics had lifted her on the litter and were about to carry her out of the house.

"She lost a lot of blood." the young woman answered. "She needs surgery and certainly a transfusion, more than one actually. We'll see."

"I'm gonna go with you." he stated ready to jump into the ambulance.

"No offense, but I think you should get changed first." the woman said pointing at his shirt.

Derek looked down to see his shirt soaked with blood, _her blood_. He stumbled backwards a little and then nodded.

Afraid that he might cause an accident Fran insisted on driving to the hospital – even though she didn't really feel enough in control to drive herself.

When they arrived at the hospital she feared that her son might hurt one of the nurses or destroy something, he was so beside himself with anger. Especially when nobody seemed to be able to tell him any news about Penelope.

"Please, Derek, calm down!" Fran tried to avert the worst.

He just stared at her almost in disbelief.

"Please" Fran repeated, "you won't help her if you end up in prison."

Derek took a deep breath, ran a hand over his face and started pacing the waiting room. "I can't lose her." he mumbled more to himself. "Not now, not like that. Not like that."

"I know." Fran softly said.

"I shouldn't have left her alone." he scolded himself. "I should have stayed with her."

"She made this decision, Derek." Fran tried to calm him down. "And if she hadn't tried it today then maybe tomorrow or another day. This is not your fault."

He stared at her again. "She said the same." he replied and ran his hand over his head again. "I should have known what she was up to. I should have known it, I'm a goddamn profiler. I should have…"

"Penelope Garcia?" a doctor announced.

"How is she? Can we see her?" Derek immediately asked.

"She lost a lot of blood." the doctor informed them. "But thanks to your fast aid she will survive. She needs to stay in the ICU for a few days though."

"But she will be alright?" Derek insisted.

"Physically, yes." the doctor nodded.

"Can we see her?" Derek pressed him impatiently.

The doctor frowned: "Are you family?"

"No" Derek sighed, "she doesn't have any family. I mean, technically we ARE her family or at least the closest to a family she has. Please, I… just let me see her!"

The doctor thought about it for a minute and then nodded briefly: "Follow me, please!"

"Go!" Fran smiled at her son. "Stay with her! I'll come to look after you tomorrow."

Nodding Derek followed the doctor into the ICU and the room Penelope was lying in. She seemed to be asleep or maybe she was unconscious.

"You can't stay here overn…" the doctor tried but the look Derek gave him silenced him. Snorting a little and mumbling something not understandable he left.

Quietly Derek sat down next to her and took her hand in his. He couldn't believe this had really happened, that she'd really done this. She simply wasn't the kind of person who committed suicide. At least he'd never thought she was.

Derek kept watch over her refusing to leave her side and waiting for a sign that she was still with him. He got that sign when two days later she slowly opened her eyes. For a moment she seemed puzzled and glanced around as if to find out where she was. And then she turned her head to look at him.

He smiled at her and gently squeezed her hand.

But Penelope closed her eyes and turned her head away from him in response. He shouldn't have found her in time!

Derek couldn't remember when the last time something had hurt him so much as this simple movement. He knew that he had lost her. Her attempt to kill herself hadn't just been a cry for help, she'd really wanted to die.

Not knowing what else to do he leaned his forehead against her arm while his thumb kept stroking the back of her hand. He desperately wanted to help her, but he knew she wouldn't let him. She wouldn't let him comfort her anymore.

But he wasn't willing to give up that easily! He couldn't let that happen! He couldn't just give her up! There had to be a way to help her, to get her back and to revive her will to live. And Derek wouldn't rest until he'd found that way.

So he refused to leave her side no matter how long she ignored him. The nurses came to change her bandages and give her some medicine to sleep. They transferred her from the ICU into a normal room and he stayed with her.

After three more days she finally seemed to have enough. She turned her head to give him an angry look. "Go, Derek!" she commanded. "Leave me alone!"

Okay, she was just looking at him and talking to him because she wanted him to leave her alone. But at least she was reacting to his presence at all. That was a start.

"Sorry, sweetness, you know me." he smiled. "I can't just go and leave you here."

Mumbling something he couldn't understand Penelope got up and walked to the door opening it for him. "Go! Now!" she commanded. "And stop calling me pet names!"

Sighing Derek stepped in front of her and gently shut the door again. He was stronger than her so she didn't even try to keep him from doing so. "Sorry, but I won't go." he said earnestly.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" she whispered.

When Derek noticed her starting to shake he knew that she was close to the breakdown Hotch had expected much earlier. So he took a step forward and tried to catch her in his arms.

"No!" Penelope yelled at him and tried to push him away and break free from his embrace. "Leave me alone! I don't need you to pity me! I don't need your comfort! Go away!"

He didn't say anything but didn't lessen his hold on her either.

"I hate you!" she yelled and started to beat his chest as hard as she could. "Leave me alone!"

He ignored the punches and her words and just pulled her closer using as much force as possible without hurting her in any way.

Eventually she gave up on punching him and instead held onto him as if her life depended on it. She slid to the floor as she broke into a flood of tears. "I hate you." she sobbed. "Why do you always have to be right?"

"I wish I'd been wrong." Derek whispered and kissed the top of her head. Then he gently lifted her up and carried her back to the bed where he laid down with Penelope in his arms. He didn't care if this was allowed or not, should they try and kick him out! He wouldn't let go of her, never again.

She buried her face in his chest and cried for what seemed like an eternity to both of them.

And once again he felt helpless. He didn't know what else to do than hold her and whisper comforting words to her that completely seemed to fail to have any effect. But at least she wasn't fighting him anymore. And as much as he hated to see her cry at least it was an emotion and that was better than the empty shell she'd been for the past weeks.

So Derek just wrapped his arms tightly around her, pulled her as close to his body as humanly possible and waited for this breakdown to be over. He wouldn't let go of her, he wouldn't give her up no matter what. And he could at least try and make Penelope understand that.

When the nurse entered the room that evening to give Penelope her sleeping pills she frowned at the scene in front of her. Agent Morgan was lying on his back, Agent Garcia almost on top of him, his arms wrapped tightly around her and her head resting on his chest. They were both fast asleep.

For a moment the nurse considered calling a male nurse to wake them up and make Agent Morgan leave the bed – something she absolutely didn't want to try on her own. But then she decided against it and just closed the door behind her.

It wouldn't have been a successful attempt anyway. During the past days Agent Morgan had yelled at each and every person in this building – except for the woman he protected like a lion that protected its cub. They sure as hell wouldn't have been able to make him leave the bed without the use of violence. And that certainly wouldn't do anyone any good.

Besides it was the first time since Agent Garcia had woken up after the surgery that she had fallen asleep without any pills. Maybe this was a start. After all, nothing could be as curative as love.


	10. Talking

**Title: **Talking

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #8 Wunjo (comfort)

**Word count: **2702

**Rating:** K

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 10/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

"Alright, what do we have?" Hotch asked and looked at JJ.

"Two families killed three months apart." JJ explained. "Both in Philadelphia, same M.O. They want us to send them a profile."

"Are we sure we're dealing with a serial killer and not just a copycat?" Rossi asked.

"Well, in both cases there were no signs of a forced entry so the families certainly let the attackers in." JJ continued and pushed a button to show them the crime scene photos. "In both cases the families were stabbed with a knife from their own kitchen. First the dad, then the mother, the children were last."

"Alright, Reid, you'll work on the demographics, Emily and I will take a look at the victimology, see if they had anything in common. JJ, I want you to…"

Hotch was interrupted by the ringing of the phone on their conference table.

"Hotchner?" he frowned at the speaker on the table of their conference room. He didn't like to be interrupted in the meetings but if they'd put whoever was calling through it had to be important.

"Agent Hotchner?" a woman's voice asked. Hotch could have sworn he knew the voice from somewhere but he just couldn't remember where he'd heard it before.

"Mrs. Morgan?" Reid jumped in, his voice showing his obvious surprise.

"What happened?" Hotch wanted to know. This certainly wasn't a courtesy call.

"I'm sorry, I really don't know how to prepare you for what I'm going to tell you so I'll get straight to the point." while Fran Morgan took a deep breath you could have heard a pin drop in the conference room as they tried to prepare themselves for whatever they would be told.

"Agent Garcia tried to commit suicide a few days ago. She cut her wrist."

JJ gasped, Emily's jaw dropped, Reid's face went even paler than it naturally was and Rossi and Hotch exchanged a glance before the latter closed his eyes for a brief moment.

"Where is she now?" Rossi wanted to know.

"She's in the hospital." Fran told them. "She lost a lot of blood and needed transfusions. She was unconscious for almost two days. A few days after she'd regained consciousness they transferred her to a normal room. Derek stayed with her the whole time."

"Excuse me, Mrs. Morgan" Hotch said, his voice unusually constrained, "I appreciate that you called us at all but – why didn't you tell us earlier?!"

"To be honest, I wanted Derek to do it on his own. But he refused to, obviously." she sighed. "I knew that eventually you'd have found out anyways and I didn't want you to hear about all that from the hospital."

"Thank you, Mrs. Morgan." Rossi told her.

"Why?" JJ whispered more to herself. "That… just doesn't sound like Garcia."

"Well, Derek called the hospital where she did the therapy" Fran explained, "he wanted to know why they released her when she wasn't cured. Apparently, Penelope left against their advice and she also stopped taking her medicine."

"But why would she do that?" JJ asked again.

"She hates hospitals." Reid replied. He remembered too well when she had been shot and wanted nothing more than to leave the hospital again.

"I'll talk to her psychologist." Hotch frowned. "Mrs. Morgan, I need the phone number of the hospital in Chicago, please."

"Yes, of course." Fran quickly replied and only a few seconds later read out the required number to him.

"Thank you, Mrs. Morgan." Hotch said and took a deep breath. "Please, tell your son that as soon as the hospital in Chicago allows it, we will have Garcia transferred to Quantico where she will finish the therapy."

Fran sighed and mumbled: "Derek's not gonna like this."

"I know." Hotch nodded. "But it's what's necessary. Goodbye."

"Bye." Fran said and hung up. She sighed once more and grabbed her purse to head for the hospital. She wasn't sure how to tell Derek what his boss had told her – after all, she was pretty sure he would shoot the messenger.

But then she reconsidered that and made a second call.

"Jennifer Jareau?" she heard the young woman's voice on the other end of the line.

"Agent Jareau, it's Fran Morgan again." she said and before the other woman could ask a question or express her astonishment about the second call Fran explained: "I'm sorry to bother you but I found your phone number among Agent Garcia's clothes when I was trying to get her everything she might need at the hospital and… well, apparently the two of you are pretty close and I have a few questions you might be able to answer – something I didn't want to discuss in front of your boss."

"Oh, alright." JJ frowned. "Go ahead."

"Thank you." Fran took a deep breath. "You know, I noticed something between my son and Penelope and I was wondering… Well, I don't know how to explain this. I mean, I know that Derek's not the kind of guy who settles down with a woman and I'm honestly not interested in how many affairs he had over the years. And I really don't want to be nosey or anything but since Derek said he loved her… Is there something going on between him and Penelope?"

"You mean if they are or have ever been an item?" JJ smiled to herself. "No. But… well, if you asked any of us we would all say that their relationship is very special. But I don't know how to name it appropriately."

"I see." Fran nodded to herself and bit her lip. "Do you know if Penelope is in love with my son?"

"She loves him dearly." JJ replied and thought about it for a moment. "I can't tell whether she is actually IN love with him. I mean, I don't know for sure, she never told me."

"But you think she might be?" Fran pressed her.

JJ sighed. "I'm afraid so." Then she bit her lip. She shouldn't have said that! After all she was talking to Derek's mother.

"What do you mean?" the woman wanted to know.

"Look, I'm not a profiler but… as you said Derek's not the guy who settles down. But I know that he loves Penelope and he would do anything to protect her."

"That much I already figured out." Fran nodded.

"I fear I can't tell you more." JJ sighed. "After all I'm most definitely not qualified to judge the relationship between Penelope and your son or their feelings for each other. But I do know that Derek has a hard time trusting people but he would entrust his life to Penelope and he shares things with her he shares with nobody else."

"I understand." Fran replied. "Thank you, Ms. Jareau."

"Mrs. Morgan, you don't happen to know…" JJ interrupted herself and thought about the question for a moment. "Did Penelope tell you or Derek anything about… why she did this?"

"No" Fran replied, "I'm sorry, but Penelope hasn't talked at all since she has woken up."

"Not even with Derek?" the question escaped her lips before she even took the time to think about it.

"No, she hasn't spoken at all." Fran repeated. "Maybe Agent Hotchner is right and she should be… taken to the hospital."

"You were right." JJ mumbled. "Derek's definitely not gonna like this."

"I know." Fran sighed. "That's why I don't like the idea of being the one to tell him about it."

"Do you want me to call him instead?" JJ offered.

Fran chuckled slightly: "No, Ms. Jareau, thank you. But I know how to handle my son."

They said goodbye and Fran hung up. She wasn't so sure she really knew how to handle Derek at the moment, though. She'd never seen him so upset before.

When she opened the door to Penelope's room about half an hour later she was taken aback by the sight in front of her.

"Hey." Derek whispered and carefully freed himself from the embrace. Penelope was still sleeping and he wanted things to stay that way. So he gently pushed his mother outside and closed the door behind him.

"I've talked to Agent Hotchner." Fran informed him keeping her voice low partly so she didn't disturb anyone and partly so the nurses couldn't overhear their conversation. "I didn't want him to hear about all this from the hospital."

"Thanks." Derek grumbled. Of course, he knew that eventually he'd had to be told about what happened anyway.

"He wants to talk to the hospital here and have her transferred back to Quantico as soon as possible so that she can finish the therapy there." she explained.

Derek ran a hand over his head: "They're gonna lock her up in that goddamn hospital, right? But not on my watch! I won't let them do that to her!" he mumbled the last words more to himself than to his mother.

For a moment there was a somewhat awkward silence between them that barely occurred between Derek and his mother before she spoke again: "I think you have to make a decision."

The thing Derek liked most about his mother was that he'd never once heard her beat around the bush, she always got straight to the point. "What do you mean?" he frowned at her.

"Penelope loves you." she told him.

A small smile appeared on Derek's face. "I know." he nodded. "I love her too."

"And are you in love with her?" Fran wanted to know.

Derek opened his mouth to tell her that this was none of her business but then bit his lip since he didn't dare. She was still his mother after all.

"You can't treat her like that." she insisted. "You can't share a bed with her and not be serious."

"You're a little old fashioned, don't you think?" he mumbled and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"No, I'm not!" Fran obviously struggled to keep her voice low. "Penelope is very vulnerable at the moment, and very responsive to wrong signals you might be sending. You need to be honest with her because she needs to know where she stands. Does she know how you feel about her?"

"I told her…" Derek started but didn't get very far.

"Do you even know how you feel about her" Fran went on, "what kind of love you're feeling for her? Do you love her as a friend or like you love your sisters or might there be more?"

This time Derek would have had a chance to reply something. But he honestly didn't know what to say.

"I know that you think sex and love don't go together. And I know that you have problems trusting people and by that I also mean letting them in." Fran continued, her voice softer again.

"I trust Penelope." he objected.

"I know." Fran nodded. "I've noticed that she's very special to you. I've never seen you act like that with any woman. But you need to figure out exactly what you're feeling about her."

"I…" he tried again.

"Can you imagine wanting to spend the rest of your life with her?" she didn't even wait for him to answer. "Can you think of her as your actual girlfriend? Because then you can go back in there, climb onto her bed and hold her as long as you want. But if your interest in her is merely of a friendly nature you shouldn't get too close to her, not now, not after what she's been through because you'll only break her heart."

Derek snorted: "You don't…"

"I know, Derek." Fran harshly interrupted him.

"I need to go back." was all he mumbled as he pretty much stormed back into the room.

When Penelope had woken up and found the bed next to her empty her eyes had immediately filled with new tears but she'd fought them back. She could hear muffled voices through the door and even though she couldn't understand anything of what was being said, she clearly recognized Derek's voice. At least he was still there.

She heard the door being opened and immediately stiffened. She didn't dare to turn around and look at him, she just couldn't stand that look. Okay, they hadn't exactly spent the night together but she was sure it was enough to receive that look in the morning.

But when she heard him step nearer she couldn't help but turn her head a little, the apprehension certainly showing on her face. Instead of the look she'd expected she received a small yet reassuring smile and wasn't able to hold back the tears any longer.

Derek looked into her eyes and tried to smile. He knew his mother was right and he knew it was his fault that things had gotten this bad. He really should give her time and maybe back off a little – and he needed to figure out what he was feeling about her. He knew that she meant the world to him, that he loved her and needed her. But he'd never actually let his mind go this way, he'd never thought of her like that, at least not knowingly. He probably should be sure about his feelings first because the last thing he wanted was to hurt her in any way.

But when he saw a tear rolling down her cheek he didn't care about anything anymore, he just wanted to hold her and comfort her. So he climbed back on the bed and caught her in his arms pulling her as close as possible. Maybe it didn't matter what kind of love he was feeling for her as long as he was there and gave her all the love he could give.

Fran sighed and closed the door behind her.

"You know, I called the hospital back in Quantico." Derek said after a while. "Basically to yell at them for releasing you when you were anything but healed. I guess you know what they told me."

Penelope didn't answer.

"Baby, why did you break off that therapy?" he softly asked.

He felt her shrug but still she refused to answer his question.

"Why did you do this?"

She shrugged again: "When your mother told me all those stories about you and your sisters, I realized that I will never be able to tell such stories to anyone. I will never have children. This was my only chance to have a child and… and Kevin took it away from me."

Derek opened his mouth to object but wasn't sure he really should. Finally she was talking to him and he didn't want to say anything that might make her stop.

"I thought he loved me." she then whispered and closed her eyes basically to keep the tears from running down her cheeks and landing on his chest.

Derek reached for her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers, and then raised her hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on its back before placing it onto his chest, over his heart, and squeezing it softly.

"He did love you. He was just sick. I don't even think it was his actual intention to hurt you. I mean, he did and I absolutely don't want to condone what he did to you but he is really sick. And what he did he didn't do because he wanted to do you harm but because he wanted to keep you with him. And he didn't want to share you."

"I really don't want to talk about Kevin right now." Penelope whispered. "Besides it doesn't make it better."

"I know" Derek sighed, "I just wished I knew what could."

"You were right about him." she replied. "Why can't you just leave it at that?"

Derek didn't know what to reply to that. He so desperately wished that he'd been wrong about Lynch. No, actually he wished that his baby girl had never met this guy. If only he could turn back time and undo everything this sleaze had done to her.

"Baby girl" he finally whispered, "you know that I love you and that I'm not gonna leave you alone, no matter what. You won't have to go through that alone. I'll be right here."

"Yeah, I know." she replied. But somehow Derek had the impression that even his reassurance didn't make it any better for her. If only he knew what to do or to say to comfort her and take all that pain away. But he was lost.

Penelope had wanted to die and Derek wasn't sure anymore that she wouldn't try again. That was one of the reasons he refused to leave her side. He would do anything to protect her – even if he had to protect her from herself.


	11. Therapy

**Title: **Therapy

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #5 Raidho (Seeing the right move for you to make and deciding upon it.)

**Word count: **2879

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 11/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. Derek does his best to help his baby girl.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

"No!" Derek yelled again. It was bad enough that they hadn't allowed him to go into the room with her. Hotch had picked them up from the airport and driven them straight to the hospital where they had been waiting for almost half an hour before finally someone seemed to feel responsible for them. And then they had just taken Penelope with them for a first talk with one of the psychologists. God, he hated psychologists!

"Morgan, she needs to…" Hotch tried.

"No!" he shouted at him. "You have no idea what she needs, you don't know her. She hates hospitals and I'm not gonna let you lock her up in here. She'll come with me."

"That is not possible." Dr. Melrose who was leading the group therapy for suicidal patients objected. "Penelope is still in danger of commiting suicide, especially if she's not taking her medicine. She needs to stay here where we can make sure that she…"

"Just tell me what to do." Derek interrupted her. "This is not open to debate, Penelope will stay with me. So tell me what I need to do to make it possible!"

"Look, Derek." Hotch tried once more. "We really should do what's best for Penelope."

"I do." he yelled. "But I'm really not sure you do. You know how much she hates hospitals. She'll never be the same again, she'll never heal – not locked up in a cold, empty hospital room all on her own. And I'm not gonna let you do this to her. Period." he turned to Dr. Melrose. "Listen, lady! If you don't allow her to stay with me while she's in therapy I'll find a doctor who will."

"Morgan!" this clearly wasn't an understanding tone any longer. "You will let the doctors…"

"Excuse me, Agent Hotchner." Dr. Melrose interrupted him. "But actually I think that Agent Morgan might be right."

"Thank you." he grunted sarcastically.

"But you should know that this won't be easy, there's a lot you have to pay attention to." the older woman frowned.

"Whatever is necessary." Derek nodded.

"Good." Dr. Melrose eyed him up a little suspiciously. "Follow me, please!"

Hotch frowned as he watched Derek follow the doctor out of the room. He wasn't sure that Derek could judge clearly what was best for Garcia.

"You'll have to lock her in anyways." Dr. Melrose explained once they were in her office. "She's not allowed to go anywhere alone."

"Okay." he nodded.

The woman frowned at him: "She's also not allowed to stay at your place on her own – at least not for the time being."

"I got it." he assured.

This just caused the furrows on her forehead to become deeper: "So, who's gonna stay with her while you're at work?"

"I'll take some time off." Derek shrugged as if this was the most normal thing to do. "Besides, if I really have to go anywhere I could call my mom and ask her to help me out."

"I'm not entirely sure you're prepared for what will be asked of you – or how long it might take for Penelope to regain her will to live." she mumbled. "Maybe she'll never be as cheerful again as she used to be."

"I'll do whatever is necessary to help her." Derek insisted. "Even if it takes forever."

For a moment it was silent in the room before Dr. Melrose carefully asked: "So… you and Penelope… are an item?"

Derek frowned and grumbled: "And how exactly is that your business?"

"Oh, I was just wondering." the woman shrugged nonchalantly. "I mean, not many people would do what you are willing to do for her. I thought you must be really close."

"We are." he snorted.

"I see." Dr. Melrose mumbled.

If it hadn't surely meant losing the only chance he had to be allowed to take Penelope with him Derek would have banged on the table. "What?" he hissed instead.

"Nothing." the woman shrugged. "Do you always act like that with Penelope?"

"I'm just trying to protect her." he snorted. What the hell was wrong with psychologists?! Why did they always have to try and mess with him?

"That was not what I was talking about." she replied calmly. "While you were in the waiting room before we called her in you were holding her – the whole time."

"So?" Derek grunted between gritted teeth.

"I was just thinking that… if you don't normally treat her this way…" there was a long pause before Dr. Melrose finally finished the sentence. "Maybe she doesn't even want to get better."

"Excuse me?" he frowned.

"Well, you constantly hug her" she shrugged, "probably even hold her at night so that she can sleep. You anticipate her every wish… I wouldn't want that behavior to stop."

Derek stared at the table in front of him, his mind trying to process what he'd just heard. Could that be possible? Could Penelope really not want to get better because she didn't want him to stop holding her? Didn't she know that he would hold her forever if only she asked for it?

"So… what do think I should do now?" he finally asked gloomily. "Abandon her?"

"No." her face softened and she looked right into his eyes. "If you're really ready to do what's necessary to help Penelope, you should try and find out where exactly you want to take this. You have power over her and considering her condition this also means you have a great responsibility."

Derek didn't know what to say to that. What was everyone expecting him to do? He did everything he could to keep Penelope safe and to help her. Or didn't he? He couldn't just ravish her – not after everything she's been through. He would wait until the time was right.

"You also have to lock all the drawers and cabinets in your apartment." Dr. Melrose changed the subject. "Penelope mustn't have access to knives, forks, razor blades… Anything she could use to hurt herself."

"I understand." Derek nodded and sighed slightly.

"And she mustn't be able to lock any door by herself, not even to the bathroom." she added.

"Okay." he really didn't like the idea of treating Penelope like a prisoner in his apartment. But on the other hand it was certainly much better than locking her up in some cold and sterile hospital room.

"You have to lock all your weapons away" she continued, "as well as every hanger, letter opener and every other sharp item. To cut it short, you have to lock everything except for the closets – that includes all the windows."

Derek sighed and then nodded. He wasn't too pleased when Dr. Melrose said she wanted to check his apartment every once in a while. But at least after he'd agreed to that Derek was finally allowed to take Penelope home.

He found her sitting on a bed in a grey and cold room, nothing cheerful, nothing that reminded him in any way of his baby girl in there.

"Hey, sweetness." he greeted, rushed over to her and pulled her into a tight embrace. "Come on, I'll take you home. I mean, you're cleared to leave the hospital and stay with me… at my place."

Her head shot up and she stared at him: "Really?"

The look on her face just affirmed that he was doing the right thing. For the first time in weeks he saw at least a hint of comfort in her eyes. She obviously was glad that she didn't have to stay here, that he didn't leave her alone.

"Bring her to therapy tomorrow at 9 am." Dr. Melrose ordered. "I'll bring her home afterwards."

Derek just nodded knowing well enough that she only wanted to check his apartment.

Penelope looked incredibly tired and even more sick than she'd looked before they'd left Chicago so Derek didn't argue with her when she decided to go straight to bed. He left her alone so that she could change.

He had to admit that he was tired himself. But when he was lying on his bed he simply couldn't find any sleep. He just felt too cold, which was odd. He barely ever felt cold. It felt like something was missing but he didn't even want to think about what it was.

At last he decided that he had to check on Penelope and make sure she was alright to be able to find some sleep himself.

Seeing her reflection in the mirror Penelope couldn't believe this was really her. About two months ago she'd thought she was the luckiest woman on earth. She'd been happy. About three weeks ago she'd tried to kill herself – something she'd never thought she would do.

And she'd also never thought she would ever feel so lonely. She'd been alone almost her whole life long but she'd never actually felt lonely. She'd always known there were people who cared about her, people who loved her as much as she loved them, people she could trust. But now all she felt was lonely even though Derek did his best to make things better.

But that would eventually stop and she would be lonely again. She knew it. He would get tired of her being around him all the time. He had held her every night while she'd been at the hospital. That would stop now that they were staying at his place.

She crawled under the blanket but didn't even try to lay down and sleep. She knew she couldn't. When he didn't hold her the nightmares would come back letting the feeling of loneliness and despair only get stronger.

Her eyes fell on the scar on her wrist and she failed to keep the tears from falling. She wasn't even sure whether she was glad that Derek had found her in time. Maybe it would have been better for everyone involved if…

When she heard a knock on the door she quickly wiped her face.

Smiling cautiously Derek sat down on the bed and asked: "Is there anything else you need?"

She stared at him for a second and then slowly shook her head no.

He could practically see the plea in her eyes and since there was nothing in the world he wanted more than to hold her he reached out to wipe a tear from her cheek and whispered: "Scoot over, baby girl!" Then he climbed onto the bed and caught her in his arms sighing contently when she snuggled up as close to him as possible.

Derek drove her to therapy every day and back home afterwards. They ate together, watched movies together, he didn't leave her side once – and it was getting harder each day. Not that he could ever get tired of spending time with his favorite girl. But still she didn't seem to get better. She barely spoke a word. And Derek hated to see her like this and not being able to help in any way.

So all Derek could do was try and treat her as normal as possible. He didn't try to make her talk, he simply didn't dare to. They certainly pressed her enough in the therapy and here at his place she should feel safe from that and as comfortable as she could be. After all, that was why he'd insisted on keeping her with him in the first place. Nonetheless, he was about to give up himself. He just wasn't sure he was really strong enough for that.

It seemed to be impossible to revive Penelope's will to live or to even make her lips move upwards in the slightest hint of a smile – no matter how hard he tried, it seemed to be pointless. And as much as he fought against it, from time to time the thought occurred to him that maybe she would never be the same again.

So when after almost three weeks she suddenly started to talk to him Derek almost dropped dead with shock.

"I should have noticed it." Penelope whispered all of sudden.

Derek was taken aback for a second and turned his attention from the movie they'd been watching to her. "You couldn't have." he then objected softly.

"You did." she replied with a shrug. "I'm serious, Derek, I noticed the difference in him. He was just… like a puppy, following me all the time. And he tried to keep me away from all of you. He wouldn't let me go anywhere without him anymore."

"But you live with him." Derek bit his lip. That sounded like an accusation.

"You have no idea how much I already regretted that decision." she whispered and closed her eyes for a moment as tears threatened to fall. "Maybe I even did before… all that happened. The baby was the basic reason I agreed to live with him, I guess."

"So you never planned on having a family with him?" he raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were happy with him."

"I was." he could see a single tear running down her cheek and reached out to brush it off. Instinctively she leaned into the touch for a moment and closed her eyes as she continued: "I mean, everything was just great. At first… But I… in retrospect I'd say I noticed that he changed. He wouldn't let me hit the town with you anymore and the constant begging to stop working… I think I just refused to believe it. Maybe I wanted it to be perfect too badly."

"Baby girl, don't put that blame on yourself!" he gently stroked her cheek with his thumb and then took her hand in his, squeezing it softly. "This is not your fault, none of it!"

"I don't know." Penelope answered quietly. "After all, I agreed to live with him. It was me who gave him the chance to do all that to me. But I… I just didn't want to be alone again. I mean, I… All I wanted was to be happy. I should have known better."

"You deserve to be happy, baby girl. Don't think you don't just because…"

"Battle was just interested in me because he wanted to shoot me and Kevin was a complete psycho?" she said sarcastically. "That's the story of my life, Derek."

He opened his mouth to object but he had to admit he didn't know what to say. Battle and Kevin weren't the best examples to prove her point wrong and he didn't know enough about her past relationships to come up with someone who was. Instead he just assured: "You won't be alone."

"Of course, I will." she whispered.

Okay, so he was approaching the root of the matter. "So… you think you can't find someone else?" he guessed.

Penelope shrugged: "Maybe I should have stayed with him."

"What?" Derek burst out. "You can't be serious, baby girl! Do you really think anything is better than being alone? I can tell you that's not true."

"Yeah, that's easy for you to say." she grunted and freed her hand from his grip. "You just need to open your door and then you can chose which girl you want to take home for the night. But Kevin was my first boyfriend in ages."

"What's wrong with you?" Derek frowned. "Normally, you have much more self-confidence and for a good reason. I bet there are many men out there waiting for no one but you."

Snorting she wanted to get up to escape the situation.

But Derek grabbed her hand once more to keep her from doing so. "No, no, no. Listen to me, doll face. Men are not that complex. They notice you're smart and it scares the hell outta them. But that doesn't mean you won't find anyone, you just have to look a little longer."

"Yeah, like for the rest of my life." she snarled.

"That's not gonna happen." Derek objected.

"If you think." she shrugged.

"Come on, baby cakes, you were much more light-hearted and confident before you met Lynch." he frowned at her. "What happened to the goddess of all brilliance and beauty."

"That has nothing to do with Kevin." she mumbled. "I guess she died on the table."

"Hey, I never want to hear something like that again." Derek scolded her.

She shrugged again.

"And stop that shrugging all the time, that's not like you!" he berated. "Now listen to me! You will find someone else. I know you will. You're smart and generous and beautiful."

"Am I?" she whispered. "If I'm so great why then does nobody want me?"

"That's not true." he started to object. "I'm sure there're…"

"You don't." she quietly added.

Derek blinked a little. What had she just said? "I'm sorry?"

"It's easy for you to soft-soap me but you never actually mean it." she sniffled and looked down to avoid his eyes. "I'm not beautiful. If I were you would want me. I've seen the women you want. They're beautiful. But a guy like you would never want me because I'm not beautiful. I'm fat and ugly and…"

Not knowing what else to do to make her stop belittling herself and finally believe him Derek cupped her face with his hands and forcefully pressed his lips against hers.


	12. Challenges

**Title: **Challenges

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** # 24 Othala (aid in spiritual and physical journeys)

**Word count: **2990

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 12/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _Hey, everyone. I know, I promised to update sooner. But as you could see I just wasn't able. Who or what can I blame for this? Well, my crazy life certainly. A current lack of ingenuity, maybe. My wonderful beta-reader was so fast with this one (Thanks again, Gretchen!) but I just didn't find the time to actually post it until now. Apart from the fact that I've practically not written anything in what seems like ages. Can you tell, I'm depressed right now._

_Anyways, I'd like to tell you all what's going on in my life at the moment so that you have an idea of what I'm talking about and why I'm not updating as regularly as I want to. But to be honest, this would just take too much space. Trust me, the story would be much longer than this chapter here. Maybe I'm gonna write a story about it when it's all over. *laughs* I really don't want to bore you with that right now._

_But I wanted to take a moment to thank you for all the support I got through reviews encouraging me to keep writing. If it wasn't for you, my faithful readers, I'd certainly have completely stopped writing already. And thanks to everyone who put this or one of my other stories to their alert and/or favorite list. It does me so good to see that you obviously like what I'm writing._

_Okay, now I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'd like to tell you that there's more coming soon. But all I can promise at the moment is that there will be more eventually. I just don't know when I'll be able to write again._

_Hugs,_

_Caro_

She pressed her hands against his chest in a sudden impulse to push him away. But when she felt his tongue begging for entrance she couldn't help but give in to him and her fingers dug into his shirt. How many times had she dreamed of getting a kiss like that from him?!

His hands slid behind her back to pull her body closer against his. This wasn't like any kiss he'd ever shared with any girl. A swarm of butterflies arose in his stomach and his heart started beating like mad. In fact, he hadn't felt that way since his first kiss.

When they broke the kiss Penelope did something Derek would not have expected after a kiss like the one they'd just shared. She slapped his face, really hard.

Derek just looked at her in complete confusion his hand carefully feeling his aching cheek.

"Oh my…" Penelope stared at him in shock and regretfully touched the cheek her hand had just hit. "I… I'm so sorry."

"No, I am sorry." he smiled sheepishly. "I didn't mean to jump at you like that."

Penelope leaned her forehead against Derek's and closed her eyes. "What… Why?" she gasped unable to formulate a meaningful sentence.

Derek placed a finger under her chin and made her look at him again. He could see the surprise and the complete confusion in her eyes. He just smiled.

"Derek?" Penelope carefully asked.

"Of course, I want you, beautiful." Derek whispered. "I love you and I want you. It took almost losing you for me to realize it and when I did it scared the hell outta me. You know, falling in love and settling down is not for me. At least I thought it wasn't. But the truth is that I have never wanted any other woman but you in my life."

"But…" her eyes desperately searched his to find any answer since she wasn't even able to pose one of the thousand or so questions that were running through her mind. Great, he'd just decided that he might want her and she made a complete fool of herself.

"I love you, baby girl." he smiled and leaned forward to kiss her again.

This time she at least managed to kiss him back – and without slapping his face afterwards. When they had to break the kiss for air Penelope was still utterly perplexed. But she smiled at him and whispered: "I know you do. But I thought you didn't mean it that way. Because after you told me that you loved me you never made a move on me."

"I know." he sighed. Then he reached out to put a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. "You know, when I heard about you and Kevin I was jealous as hell. But then I saw how happy you were and I was glad. I only wanted you to be happy and I was afraid I couldn't be the one to make you happy."

"I… don't understand." was all she replied.

Derek took a deep breath: "I don't know much about relationships. I had flings and I met very few people I came to trust. But that never went together for me, so I never tried to make a woman stay with me. I was afraid I might hurt you and that's the last thing I want."

"But… you want to give it a try now?" she carefully asked. "You… you think it might be different… with me?"

Grinning Derek leaned over to kiss her cheek and whispered: "Most definitely. You're already a part of me, buttercup. This time I'll keep you here with me. I won't let you go again, ever." He leaned in to give her another breathtaking kiss.

"Just promise me one thing." he added seriously.

"Anything." she quickly nodded.

"Careful, little girl." he chuckled but then became serious again: "For now just promise me that whenever I do anything wrong you'll tell me right away."

"I promise." she smiled, the first genuine smile in what felt like ages to both of them.

"Now let's go to bed, baby cakes!" Derek stated and pulled her with him towards his bedroom. "I guess there's a lot we have to talk about."

Much to Penelope's joy they didn't talk that much. They were lying in his bed snuggled up close against each other and kissed until past midnight when they both decided that it was time to sleep.

And even though she didn't get a lot of sleep Penelope felt very well rested when she woke up the next morning. Carefully she slid out of Derek's arms and then out of bed so that she didn't wake him up. Smiling she watched him sleep for a little while before she decided to prepare some breakfast.

When she walked into the kitchen Clooney raised his head and started to wag his tail.

"Good morning, boy." she greeted happily and leaned down to scratch his ear.

Clooney yawned and then slowly got up, stretching and yawning so excessively that it made Penelope giggle.

"Poor boy." she whispered and petted his head. "Didn't you sleep well? I haven't slept that well in ages."

Clooney just grumbled and went to the door and started to scratch at it noisily.

"Shh!" Penelope scolded. "You're gonna wake your master."

The dog just whined and scratched some more.

"Okay, okay, you want to go for a walk, I got it." Penelope sighed.

She tried the patio door because she thought that Derek's backyard had to be enough before she was dressed and had had some breakfast but the door was locked. Frowning she noticed that the nearby windows were locked as well. Didn't Derek have an alarm?

Sighing once more she got herself a warm jacket and headed for the front door. Clooney was still whining impatiently. It wasn't surprising that she found the door locked as well. What was strange was that there was no key anywhere near the door. Something was wrong.

"Morning, princess." she heard Derek's sleepy voice from behind her.

Slowly Penelope turned around and stared at him. He was still just in his boxers and looked puzzled between his whining dog and Penelope back and forth.

"Baby?" he asked concerned when he saw the fear in her eyes. "Are you alright?"

"Why is the door locked?" she asked instead of giving him an answer.

"I always lock the door overnight." he replied not yet wholly aware of what was going on.

"And where are the keys?" she whispered and took a step backwards.

Suddenly realizing how this situation must look like to her Derek took a step forward and reached out for her. "Baby, this is not what you think it is. Let me explain that!"

"No!" she yelled at him and pressed herself against the door. "Leave me alone!"

"Baby…"

"You're just like him." she whimpered. "You locked me up in here. Why did you do that to me? You're just like him." her voice cracked and she slid to the floor, sobbing slightly.

"Penelope, I know how this looks but please, trust me and let me explain this to you." Derek tried again to approach her.

But Penelope suddenly jumped to her feet, pushed him away and started to cry for help. She beat against the windows and yelled: "Let me out!"

"Penelope!" Derek had to yell to drown out Penelope's voice. "Listen to me!"

Eventually, Derek managed to get a hold of her. She fought him but when he wrapped both his arms tightly around her, holding her arms in place and her back against his chest, she gave up, slid to the floor and cried silently.

"I had to do this." Derek whispered into her ear. "I had to lock you up in here because otherwise they wouldn't have let you stay with me."

Her shaking slowly subsided when his words reached her brain. "What?" she sobbed.

"That's why Dr. Melrose pays us a visit every once in a while. She comes here to check whether everything complies with her orders. You aren't allowed to leave this place alone or to stay here alone, at least not for the time being. I also had to lock anything away you could use to hurt yourself, that's why most of the drawers are locked.

I had to do all this or they would have locked you up in the hospital and I certainly wouldn't have been allowed to visit you very often. That's why the door is locked and that's why I had to hide the keys."

"You did that… for me?!" she whispered.

"I'd do anything for you, goddess, I thought you knew that." Derek replied and lessened his hold of her a little.

Penelope sank back into his embrace and started to sob again. "I'm so sorry, I thought… How could I ever think you would do that to me?!"

"No, I am sorry." Derek objected. "I should have told you right away. I just wasn't sure whether you'd really chosen staying with me over the hospital."

"I hate hospitals." she answered voicelessly.

"I know." he nodded and gently kissed her cheek. They both knew that in the condition she'd been in she'd certainly chosen the hospital nonetheless – mainly because she'd thought that Derek didn't want to have her with him.

They kept sitting on the floor for at least half an hour, Derek gently rocking Penelope in his arms while she tried to collect herself again. Then suddenly she jumped up. "Oh, my God, I forgot about Clooney!"

"It's okay." Derek smiled at her. "I'll take care of that." He disappeared for a second and then came back fully dressed and let the dog out of the patio door.

"I… prepared some breakfast." Penelope said a little sheepishly when Derek walked into the kitchen.

Instead of answering he pulled her into his arms and placed a soft, lingering kiss on her sweet full lips. "I love you, Penelope."

"I love you too." she sighed and leaned her head against his chest. "I'm so sorry that I…"

"Hush, woman." he scolded softly. "Let's not talk about this anymore. I'm starving."

This time when Penelope arrived at the therapy room, she was smiling – and a little nervous. Would anyone notice that she was different and ask her about it? What was she supposed to answer? That she was with Derek now? Did he even want anyone else to know?

"Baby girl?" Derek interrupted her thoughts just as she was about to enter the room.

"Yeah?" her voice was barely audible when she turned back to him, her heart was pounding like mad.

"What do you think about kissing in public?" he grinned.

"Oh" she gasped and then smiled, "I… I think it's okay if we don't overdo it."

Chuckling he leaned forward and placed a gentle chaste kiss on her lips. "See you later."

She nodded and then turned to pretty much float into the room, beaming all over her face.

As usual Derek waited outside the room. But this time Dr. Melrose was the first one to leave the room.

"I told them to create a poster with a list of reasons not to commit suicide." Dr. Melrose smiled at him. "Normally I don't do that kind of things but since Penelope seems to be a lot better today I thought that it might help the others if she tells them what has revived her will to live."

She sat down next to Derek and they remained silent for a while. Until Dr. Melrose asked: "So, now you are an item?"

"Yes." Derek simply replied.

"And may I ask what has changed your mind about that?" she frowned at him.

Derek was breathing fire again. "Listen, I don't need your permission for that, okay?! I love Penelope, I already have for a long time but she was with someone else so I stayed out of it. Now we're together and I'm happy about that. You're supposed to help her heal – not to judge my relationship with her."

"Alright" Dr. Melrose replied calmly, "but I hope you know that this is not the end of the road. Nothing's normal yet."

"I know" Derek grunted, "trust me, I know. But no matter what's gonna happen, I'm not gonna run away. Not this time."

"Good." she stood up and headed for the door again. But before she stepped in she turned back and added: "Don't forget about that. The hardest part is still ahead of you."

Derek wondered if she had any idea how well he already knew what she was talking about. What had happened this morning had only been the tip of the iceberg. He still needed to convince Penelope that their relationship was real and that he wanted it to last, that he loved her and needed her and wanted her to be a part of his life. And he needed to reassure her that every single day.

"Hey, gorgeous." she smiled when she left the room.

"Hey, baby girl." he smiled back and kissed her cheek. "Ready for lunch?"

It was the first time since Penelope had gotten out of the hospital that they weren't eating at home but in a public restaurant – and of course, Derek needed to get Dr. Melrose's approval beforehand. But nonetheless Penelope seemed to enjoy it so he wasn't complaining.

They took a walk with Clooney when they came back and then Penelope did something that made Derek hope that she was eventually going to be her old self. She called the whole team, one by one, and invited all of them over for dinner.

Everyone was glad to see her smiling that evening, especially Derek. The dinner was fun but nonetheless Derek was glad that around eight p.m. they had all gone back home and he could spend the rest of the evening alone with his favorite girl.

"You know, I really wanted to die then." Penelope whispered halfway through the movie without raising her head from Derek's chest to look at him.

Not sure what to say to that he just took a deep breath and wrapped his arms tighter around her. He definitely didn't want to hear things like that. He wanted Penelope to be happy, to have faith in life and her will to live back. But still he was glad that she was talking to him.

He wanted to tell her how glad he was that her attempt to kill herself had failed. He wished she could understand how much he needed her and why giving up on her had never been an option, how much she already was a part of his life and that he didn't even want to imagine a single day without her.

Fortunately, Hotch had agreed that for the time being Derek was allowed to stay behind and help them over the phone. He would have taken a personal leave had it been necessary because there was no way he would leave her alone anytime soon.

"I'm glad I didn't." she added after a long silence and raised her head to look right into Derek's deep brown eyes.

Derek cupped her cheek with his hand, his fingers slightly running through her hair in the movement. "Me too." he whispered and pulled her closer into a soft kiss.

Penelope shifted a little to deepen the kiss and before Derek knew what was happening she was straddling him and her hands had found their way under his shirt.

"Wait, baby!" he panted as he gently pushed her hands away from him. "I think we shouldn't do this. Not yet."

He could practically see her heart breaking but instead of objecting she just climbed off his lap and crawled up at the other end of the sofa.

"Baby girl…" Derek started sitting up as well and reaching out for her.

"It's okay." she cut him off, audibly at the verge of tears. "I understand."

Derek frowned. He was anything but sure that she understood why he'd stopped her. "Buttercup, I just didn't want you to…"

"It's okay" she assured, her voice cracking, "I understand if you don't want me."

_Crap!_ "Sweetness!" Derek tried but she wasn't even facing him, she just jumped up from the couch and headed for the bedroom, sniffling slightly.

"Penelope!" he called out as he ran after her almost getting the door in his face when she slammed it shut.

Derek decided to give her a moment before he opened the door. She was lying on his bed, her back turned towards the door, and pretending to be asleep.

Sighing he stripped down to his boxers and slowly got into bed behind her. He pulled her close against him and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek before he leaned his head against hers. "I love you, goddess." he whispered. But she remained silent.

Derek didn't sleep much that night. His mind was trying to process what had happened. He'd meant well, he just didn't want to go too fast, especially not after everything Penelope had been through. But apparently that had hurt her.


	13. Revelations

**Title: **Revelations

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #2 Uruz (sudden or unexpected changes usually for the better)

**Word count: **3140

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 13/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series. Derek and Penelope open up to each other and talk about their feelings.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _I just wanted to say thank you again. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews I received and to everyone who put this story on their alert or favorites lists. And thank you for sticking with me and never complaining when you have to wait for an update._

_As always I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Now enjoy!_

Taking a deep breath Derek sat down in the large corridor in front of the room and waited for what seemed like an eternity but was just an hour – all the time wondering if it had been the right choice to talk to Dr. Melrose about what had happened the previous evening.

But he was worried about Penelope and about their relationship to be already in a crisis when it was just about to start. And he knew that eventually they had to talk about what had happened the day before and even though Derek absolutely didn't want to discuss all that with a psychologist he wanted to do what was best for Penelope.

So he'd told her and all Dr. Melrose had responded was asking him to stay so that she, Penelope and Derek could have a talk after the meeting. While that wasn't what Derek had wished for he was ready to have that talk – for Penelope.

He wasn't sure what Dr. Melrose wanted to tell them or wanted him to say. Did she want to know about his past? Would she notice it? Did it even matter in this situation? Could it have to do with his fight with Penelope? (Could he even call that a fight?) Damn, he was the profiler! He should be able to figure all this out on his own!

When the door opened he immediately stiffened. He could see on Penelope's face that she was less than pleased that he'd talked to Dr. Melrose.

"Follow me, please!" the older woman ordered and led them down the hallway to her office.

Once inside Penelope and Derek sat down in the two chairs opposite Dr. Melrose's desk and waited while Dr. Melrose just watched them. Derek glanced at his baby girl and bit the inside of his bottom lip. This had been a bad idea!

"Penelope" Dr. Melrose finally started, "please, tell me what happened yesterday while you were watching a movie with Derek!"

"We cuddled." she said and these two words were followed by a long silence. "Then we kissed." she finally added and bit her lower lip. "But Derek wanted to stop… so we did."

"How did you feel then?" she pressed her.

Penelope insecurely chewed on her lip and then just shrugged.

Dr. Melrose waited, her eyes never leaving Penelope.

"Stupid." she finally said and looked down.

When neither Dr. Melrose nor Penelope said anything in addition Derek dared to ask: "Why?"

"Because…" she started and then shrugged. She sighed and finally said in a low voice: "Because I really thought this was possible."

Derek frowned. Had he understood that right? Did she doubt him and his intentions?! "Baby girl…" he started but was interrupted when her head shot up to look at him.

"It's okay" she assured and gave him the most genuine smile she could manage, "as I said I understand."

"Penelope, what do you understand?" he demanded to know.

She sighed again and looked back down. "I understand that you just… said all that because you didn't want me to… do that again." she gestured towards the wound on her right wrist that was about to turn into a scar. "After all, I'm so not your type."

"That's not true!" Derek protested. "I meant every single word."

Penelope raised her head again to look at him and started: "Then why didn't you…" she stopped and blushed a slight shade of pink. It was just too embarrassing to finish this sentence – especially in front of someone else. Besides she wasn't sure she really wanted to hear the answer.

Derek reached out to brush the tear away that ran down Penelope's cheek.

She couldn't help but close her eyes and lean into his touch.

"I love you, Penelope." he said softly.

"I know." she nodded, her voice shaking. "But you… You don't know what it's like to feel so…" she interrupted herself.

"To feel so what?" he asked when she refused to finish the sentence.

Penelope looked back down at her hands that were compressed in her lap and whispered: "So unwanted."

Derek took a deep breath, ran a hand over his face and swore silently. Him rejecting her must have looked like a corroboration of these feelings to her. "I DO want you." he assured once more.

But Penelope didn't answer.

"Penelope, why do you feel that Derek can't want you?" Dr. Melrose asked.

"Well, I mean, look at him." she mumbled as if that explained everything. Then she sighed again and added: "After everything that happened to me… Maybe I'm just not meant to find someone, you know."

"You're afraid that there's a snag to it." Dr. Melrose concluded.

Penelope shrugged: "There's always a snag to it."

Derek knelt down in front of her and put a hand under her chin to make her turn her head and look at him again. He waited until she had locked eyes with him before he declared determinedly: "Not this time, sweetness. I love you and I want you and no matter what happened in the past or will happen in the future, nothing's gonna change that."

But she just looked down and again didn't answer anything.

Sighing Derek got up. This was more than frustrating! "Look, I understand that after everything that happened to you, it's hard for you to believe all this." he tried. "Lynch made you feel like you're not worth being loved and that you'll never…"

"Derek, don't profile me!" she almost yelled at him.

"What else shall I do?" Derek yelled back at her. He knew he should try to stay calm but he was at his wits end. "You don't talk to me so I have no idea how you're feeling. And I don't know what I can do to make it better because you're not talking to me!"

"Maybe I just don't want to talk to you." she mumbled.

Derek was startled for a moment. This was getting more and more frustrating with every word that was said. "Why, Penelope? Don't you trust me anymore?"

"Oh, I don't know." Penelope said sarcastically. "Maybe it's because I just can't be sure if you're honest."

"What?" Derek exclaimed. Trust had never been an issue between them. Did she actually believe what she'd just said?! "I never lied to you."

"Really?" she asked in a low voice. "Let's face it, the only reason we're together at all is… this." she repeated pointing at her wrist once more.

"That's not true, I…" Derek tried to object.

But Penelope interrupted him again: "Oh, well, maybe it's true. Maybe your feelings are real. But the point is that if it hadn't been for Kevin turning out to be a complete psycho and me trying to commit suicide you would have never made a move on me!"

"Do you really think I don't know that this is all my fault?" Derek clenched his teeth to keep himself from yelling at her again. He felt tears wanting to escape his eyes, tears of anger and mere frustration. So he went to the window, turning his back towards Penelope and Dr. Melrose. "Do you think I don't know that if I'd made a move on you before Kevin all this would never have happened?!"

Penelope was taken aback by his reaction. Was he actually crying? She hadn't meant to blame him for what had happened to her just… She wasn't even sure what she'd wanted to say. Carefully she stood up, walked towards him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Derek, I…"

Derek turned around and immediately caught her in his arms, holding her as if his life depended on it and burying his face in her hair. They remained that way for a few seconds both of them crying silently.

"Before you… cut your wrist I could feel you slipping through my fingers every day and it seemed like there was no way I could keep you with me. And I'm still afraid I'll lose you." he whispered into her ear. "I can't lose you, baby girl. You mean so much to me."

"I'm so sorry." Penelope sobbed the realization suddenly hitting her how many people she'd hurt by what she'd done. She hadn't wanted to hurt anyone but herself – and especially not Derek. She just hadn't known how much she really belonged here and how many people cared about her. If only she'd known how much Derek cared about her. She'd never…

"No, I'm sorry." Derek insisted and lifted his head to look into her eyes. "I should have told you all that a long time ago. If I had, you wouldn't have thought that nobody cared and…"

"No, Derek, this is not your fault." Penelope whispered.

"Of course, it is." Derek sighed and reached out to put a strand of hair behind her ear. "I told you how much you mean to me and then I left you hanging and obviously gave you the impression that I'm not attracted to you. But I am and I should have told you. Besides I could have forced you to go with me when I sensed that something was wrong with Kevin. You wouldn't have had to go through all this if I'd just…"

"Derek, don't." Penelope interrupted him and put a small hand over his mouth. "You can't always put the blame on yourself. I know, you're the tough, strong guy but the weight of the world is too much even for your broad shoulders. This was not your fault."

He smiled at her and took a deep breath. For the first time in ages she'd sounded like his baby girl again. "I love you, Penelope." he repeated gently kissing her fingers. "I already did for a long time but I… You know me, you know about my past. Hotch was right, I do have trust issues. I don't even know if I can love someone. I never let anyone in before because I didn't want them to know me, to find out what happened to me and that I'm still struggling with the memories of my past, that I'm still haunted by nightmares."

Penelope looked down again. She'd been so selfish. Derek had gone through so much more and she should be grateful that he wasn't just thinking about himself but was taking such good care of her.

"But I know that with you it could be different. I knew that right from the beginning and it scared me. I am afraid that I… might not be able to keep up this relationship no matter how much I love you and that in the end I'll break your heart. Because for all I know love sometimes just isn't enough. I'm a wreck like all victims are.

You deserve someone who can make you happy, someone with a steady and safe job, someone who can chase away the horrors of this job and I can't always be that someone because I am broken and I'm haunted and I just… didn't want to do that to you. This is a burden I should carry on my own and not put on anyone's shoulders – least of all yours."

"Wow, this is the greatest bullshit I ever heard. Have you considered letting me worry about all that?" she whispered. "I mean, how do you know what I need? Maybe I don't need someone with a steady job, someone without scars and nightmares. Maybe all I need is – and ever was and always will be – you."

Derek gently took both her hands in his and added: "I didn't want to screw up by going too fast. I know you weren't ready for this and you would have regretted it in the morning. I just didn't want to hurt you."

"I know you're right." Penelope nodded. "But I just thought…"

"I know." Derek frowned at her, the desperation not only visible on his face but also audible in his voice. "And I don't know how to show you just how much I want you in my life, how much I need you."

"I'm sorry." she whispered and closed her eyes to keep the tears from falling. "I knew how selfish it was and I knew that you'd have to find me and… But I just felt so lonely and it seemed to be the only way out. I thought that… since nobody wanted me… I just didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

I know that it's not easy to bear with me at the moment. I want to be my old self again and I want to believe all this but… then this voice in my head tells me that this can't be, that I'm just not meant to be happy. I know I shouldn't be listening but…

I guess it's also due to the depression and.... I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, giving up and committing suicide is just… this is not me. I'm so confused at the moment. All these feelings… They're so strong and sometimes I just can't handle them. And then I keep thinking that this is just not me and it scares me. I'm… afraid of myself somehow."

"We will get through this, baby girl." Derek said confidently squeezing her hands gently. "I promise. I'm not going to let you down, ever. As I said I'm not willing to let you go."

"Agent Morgan" Dr. Melrose turned their attention back to her, "I really think it would do you good if you both came to see me after the group session every Tuesday and Friday – at least as long as the therapy will last."

"Okay." he nodded.

Penelope's eyes almost popped out of her head. "Okay?" she exclaimed. "You hate psychologists because you hate being profiled and talking to them. And you agree to go to a session twice a week?!"

"If that's a way to help you and us." he nodded. "I'd do anything for you and I want our relationship to work."

She could see the truth in his eyes and for some reason this broke down the wall inside of her that had kept her from believing this was real. Derek – who went for every psychologist's throat who'd even dare to ask him what time it was – was willing to go to therapy with her knowing that he'd certainly be forced to face and talk about things he wanted to put into a box and bury in the center of the earth. And he did all that for her.

"Well, then I expect you two on Friday." Dr. Melrose smiled and stood up. That was it for today and she'd come much farther with these two than she had expected.

The drive back to Derek's place was rather silent as Penelope was still trying to process what Derek was willing to do for her.

And Derek just held her hand during the whole drive gently stroking the back of it with his finger but otherwise leaving her alone with her thoughts.

They both were surprised to see Hotch standing in front of Derek's door obviously awaiting them. His face was rather strained and it was obvious that he had to tell them something he didn't want to bring up.

Penelope silently squeezed Derek's hand at the look on Hotch's face. Did he know about them? If so his face told her that he didn't approve it.

Derek took a deep breath. He'd wanted to have this talk to Hotch anyways so why not now?!

Even though from the look on Hotch's face he wasn't sure this was the right time for this Derek decided to take matters into his own hands. "Hotch" he greeted and opened the door to let them all in. "I'm glad you're here, man. There's something I need to talk to you about."

Hotch took the seat Derek had silently offered him and watched Penelope shifting uncomfortably at Derek's side. "If it's about what happened between you two, never mind. Rossi talked to Strauss already so there's nothing you have to worry about."

Derek's jaw dropped and both he and Penelope were speechless for a moment.

"What?" one corner of Hotch's mouth moved slightly upwards at the looks on his agents' faces. "Did you really think we didn't notice? It was written all over your faces yesterday. Even Reid didn't miss it."

Penelope blushed and Derek just smirked and took Penelope's hand in his.

"The reason why I'm here is the case we're working." Hotch explained. "We're… stuck to say the least. We know that we're missing something, a connection between the victims. Thing is, we just can't put our finger on it and the techs they're sending us are… well… they're just not you, Garcia."

Her eyes widened in slight shock: "You mean… you're asking for my help?"

"You know I wouldn't ask if we weren't that stuck and I can't think of anyone else who could help us as much as you can." Hotch sighed. "And it doesn't mean that you have to agree. It's completely up to you and we all understand if you're not ready for this."

"Wow." Penelope whispered as she thought about Hotch's request. Derek and she were allowed to see each other, maybe even get married one day if they wanted to. And she was obviously missed and needed at work which meant that maybe one day she could go back to the BAU. Could her life really be about to change not only for the better but towards absolutely great?

"I think I should call Dr. Melrose." Penelope mumbled more to herself and got up from where she'd been sitting next to Derek on the couch.

Hotch frowned at Derek, the worry obvious on his face. Had he asked too much from her?

All Derek could do was shrug slightly.

"Dr. Melrose, it's Penelope." they heard her say and then she explained what Hotch had asked her to the person on the other end of the phone. There was a pause before she said: "Yes, at least I guess so. I'm not sure. It feels… strange." Another pause. "Yes." And another pause, a little longer this time. "Don't worry, he wouldn't leave my side anyways." Then she hung up.

Smiling slightly Penelope returned to the two men and said: "You can count me in. But I have to take my watchdog with me."

Derek sighed with relief, got up and pulled Penelope into a tight embrace. For the first time in months she'd sounded like she was on her way back to her normal self. Going back to work even if it was only for a few hours would do her good. At least that was what Derek told himself because he wasn't sure that he entirely liked the idea.


	14. Searching

**Title: **Searching

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #16 Sowilo (success, goals achieved)

**Word count: **2879

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 14/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

When Derek pulled their car into the parking lot of the FBI's parking garage, Penelope felt her heart beat faster. She hesitated when they got out, and Derek headed towards Hotch, who'd parked his car next to them. It had been too long since she'd last set foot in this building, and too much had happened in the meantime. It felt strange to be back, even if it was just for a few hours.

Derek, who always kept an eye on his baby girl, noticed Penelope's hesitation and turned around to look at her. "If you're not ready for this…"

"I am," Penelope assured him quickly. "And I really want to do this. It just… feels strange, that's all. But I'm fine."

"You sure?" Derek asked worriedly. "You don't need to go in there."

"I know." Penelope smiled at him. "But I want to."

"We can stay here for a while if you want to," Hotch suggested. "No need to feel rushed."

"Thank you." She nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

Derek's first intention was to object. But then he reconsidered it. If Dr. Melrose thought that Penelope was ready for this, and more importantly, Penelope thought she was, he wouldn't hold her back. Maybe this would even do her good.

Penelope took another deep breath and grabbed Derek's hand when they were standing in front of the glass doors leading to the bullpen of the BAU. Sure, it wasn't her first encounter with her coworkers after her attempt to commit suicide, but meeting them for dinner in Derek's apartment seemed different from meeting them here at work.

They hadn't dared raising this subject at dinner that night. Derek certainly wouldn't have let them address the matter anyways. But Penelope was able to tell from their faces that it had been on their minds the whole evening long. Would they ask her anything now? Or would they be mad to see her here? They certainly didn't know that she was coming back. Would they even want her here after everything that had happened?

When the doors opened and Hotch stepped in, everyone in the room turned to look at him.

Carefully, Penelope and Derek followed. She smiled coyly at JJ, Emily and Reid, who were standing around Emily's desk.

For a moment, the room was dead silent, since all activity seemed to stop, and everyone just stared at the pair who had just entered.

Then large smiles covered both Emily's and JJ's face, and the two women almost ran towards their friend, hugging her exuberantly.

"I can't tell you how much we all missed you." Emily said with a heavy sigh.

"Please, tell me that you're back for good," JJ added as she hugged Penelope tightly.

"That bad, huh?" Penelope quipped.

Emily just rolled her eyes. "You have no idea. The techs they keep sending us are just… so… incapable."

"Well, that's where I come in, I guess." Penelope smiled and sighed with relief. At least one of her worries – that her friends wouldn't be glad about her coming back – had just disappeared. Now if only the other techs hadn't messed with her babies too much!

"And we're all glad to have you here again." Rossi smiled and walked towards Penelope to softly peck her cheek.

"Thank you, sir." She blushed slightly. This went much better than she'd expected, except for Spencer, who hadn't moved one bit since she'd entered the bullpen. Now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember him talking a lot that evening, either.

But Penelope didn't really have the time to worry about that, let alone ask him what was wrong, since JJ and Emily had to bring her up to date about the newest gossip in the bureau while they led her to her office.

"Wow," Penelope gasped when she entered the room. "It… It looks just like when I was last in here."

"Nobody touched anything," Hotch explained. "I made sure of that. None of the techs were allowed to work in here."

She turned to give him a watery smile, then she turned back to her babies and let her hand run over one of the screens before she sat down in her chair and started her computers. Everything seemed just as they always had.

Penelope worked for a little more than two hours, and it almost felt like it had before Kevin; except for the fact that Derek never left her side. He seemed quieter than usual. At first, Penelope thought that it would get better once he realized that she wasn't overdoing it. But it didn't. He just stood in one corner of her office and stared at the floor in front of him.

When she'd fed her babies the necessary information and they were working on their own, she finally turned to him. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Derek looked up at her and gave her a small smile. "Why do you think something's wrong?"

"You haven't spoken a single word since we came in here," she replied. "Now spill it!"

"I'm just worried about you, sweetness," he replied.

Penelope frowned at him. "No, you're not. If you were, you'd have already noticed that I'm just fine. So tell me the truth, please."

"I was just thinking," he admitted reluctantly.

Penelope stood up and walked over to him to wrap her arms tightly around his waist. "About what?" she demanded as she leaned her head against his chest.

He remained silent for a few moments, before he answered almost too quietly. "Us."

Frowning again, Penelope raised her head to look up at him. "Do I need to worry?"

"No," he whispered. He leaned down to give her a gentle kiss before replying. "I was just thinking how many times I stood here watching you work and wished that things were different. That I wished I'd dared to make a move on you. If I hadn't been so…"

She silenced him by putting her hand over his mouth. "Derek, we've already been through this."

"I know, it's just…" he sighed and took her hand in his, gently kissing her knuckles. "I was thinking about what you said earlier today, how it was bullshit that I thought you couldn't want me."

Penelope bit her lip. "I'm sorry about that. I just wanted to say that you thinking that you're not good enough for me sounded so... ridiculous. I know it wasn't the best choice of words."

"I know what you meant," he smiled. "And actually, I'm glad you said it that way, because it sounded like you, the old you, the Penelope I fell in love with. But I wanted you to understand something, and I'm not sure that you did. I know how all this must look like to you, and I can understand that you're doubting my feelings."

"I try not to," she quickly assured him. "I mean, I want to believe you, and I so want this to work. I've been dreaming about us being together since the day we met. It's just…"

Derek silenced her the best way he could think of, by pressing his lips against hers. "I really do understand you," he replied. "But I also want you to understand that I'm serious, that I'm in love with you and have been for a long time, and why I didn't make a move on you earlier. Alas, I'm not that good at talking. That's why there's something I want to show you as soon as we're back home."

"Okay," she just nodded. Of course, she was curious and wanted to ask what exactly it was Derek wanted to show her, but she also knew that he wasn't ready for this. It must be something very personal, something he was afraid to show her – or at least didn't feel entirely comfortable showing her.

"I love you, Penelope, more than anything in the world," he whispered and leaned down to kiss her again. His heart skipped a beat when she sighed and let herself sink against his chest.

When Penelope raised her eyes again, she caught a glimpse of someone standing in her doorway. "Ah, honey, you know, I could really go for a coffee right now," she said smiling brightly at Derek.

He blinked at her for a second, not sure he really should leave her alone. He wanted to argue with her that he should probably stay. After all, that had been Dr. Melrose's requirement to allowing Penelope to be here at all.

But then he noticed the expression on her face, and when he turned, he saw Reid standing in the door to Penelope's office, looking like there was something he needed to get off his chest.

Derek bit his lip and hesitated for a moment. Reid was behaving strangely, even for him. Maybe he shouldn't give him the opportunity to tell Penelope whatever he wanted to tell her. He might hurt her, say something to get her down again. But then Derek sighed and left them alone to get Penelope the required coffee.

"Hey, sweet pea," Penelope greeted her visitor happily. "What can I do for you?"

But Reid didn't answer. He just looked down and shuffled his feet.

She formed a voiceless 'okay' before she let herself drop back into her chair and swung around to her beloved computers. Frowning, she noticed that her babies had come up empty.

"So you just want to replace my watchdog, huh?" Penelope asked after a few minutes of Reid just standing in the doorway staring at her.

"I'm mad at you, you know that," he finally said.

Penelope stopped the quick movements of her fingers on her keyboard and slowly turned towards him. She wasn't sure whether she really wanted to hear what Reid was about to say.

"Why did you do this?" he asked, stepping a little closer. "I mean, how could you? Do you know what this made us all feel like?"

She just swallowed, not sure what she could answer.

"We all love you and we care about you," Reid went on. "I thought you knew that. I thought you knew that no matter what, we'd always be there for you. But instead of asking for help, you left us wondering what in the world we could have done to prevent this. I'm mad at you, and at myself, because I love you and I thought that there must have been something I could have done."

"I… I'm sorry," Penelope stuttered.

"You know, my whole life, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I was just the freak no one wanted to hang around with." Penelope could see tears springing to his eyes, but Spencer ignored them. "I was too young for high school, too young for college and… too geeky for anyone. But when I started working here, for the first time, I felt like I DID belong somewhere. You treated me as if I was just like anyone else, just as normal as Morgan or JJ. You were always there for any of us.

And when I heard about what you had done, all I wanted to do was yell at you. I understand that you were distraught, but… Why did you do this? This is not you."

Penelope hadn't even noticed the tears that were now streaming down her face. "I know," she sniffled. "And to be honest, I've been asking myself the same question. I just… I don't know. I felt so alone and… like nobody wanted me. I'm sorry, I…"

"This is stupid," Reid interrupted her. "We all love you. I thought you knew that. I… I don't want you to be sorry. I just… want you to know how much you mean to me."

Penelope quickly wiped away the tears that were running down her cheeks, then stood up and hugged her favorite genius. "But I am sorry. Because I didn't even think about all of you or what I did to you."

"I know," he nodded as he hugged Penelope back. "I didn't want to blame you, but…"

"I know that," she assured him.

They stood in Penelope's office, embracing each other, for a good couple of minutes. Then Penelope whispered, "Thank you."

Reid gave her a puzzled glance as he let go of her.

Penelope smiled. "For telling me the truth and for not treating me like I'm a raw egg or something. Thank you for being so honest with me."

He took a deep breath and then smiled shyly. "I actually expected you to yell at me."

"Well, it certainly is a good thing that I sent my watchdog away, because he wouldn't even have let you finish your first sentence before yelling at you," she grinned at him.

Reid grimaced sheepishly.

"Hey," Penelope put a hand on his shoulder to make him look up at her again, "we're good. As I said, I'm thankful that you told me how you feel. I… I can't really tell you why I did this. All I know for sure is that I really wanted to die. But right now, I'm more than glad Derek found me in time. I have so much to live for."

"I'm sorry if we… didn't show you how much we all cared," a small, teary voice said from the doorway.

"I know you do." Penelope smiled reassuringly at her best friend. "I… I guess I'd just forgotten about it."

"We'll make sure you never forget about that again," Hotch said from where he was standing next to JJ.

"I know," Penelope nodded. Then she turned her attention back to her screens. "I'm sorry, sir, but I fear all my searches have come up empty so far. There is no connection between the victims; nothing they all had in common."

Hotch frowned and took a deep breath. "Thanks for trying anyways."

"Hey, I didn't say I was finished," she pouted as she sat back into her chair. "I don't give up that easily. I just need a little more time."

"Now that sounds like my girl," Derek smirked as he placed a cup of frappuccino on the table next to Penelope's babies.

She took the cup and inhaled deeply. This was it. This was what she needed to feel normal again: some work to do and her favorite chocolate God providing her with the most delicious beverage in the world.

Derek looked around at the rest of the team and frowned. "Did I miss anything?"

"We're just here to see if Penelope needs anything," Hotch replied.

One corner of Derek's mouth moved up slightly. It hadn't escaped his notice that Hotch was using a more personal address now – and it seemed to make Penelope feel more comfortable. Maybe because Hotch only called very few people by their first name.

"I'm fine," Penelope sighed, "except for the fact that all my searches came up empty."

"Don't overdo it, Baby Girl!" Derek scolded her. "Maybe you should take a break."

"That sounds like a good idea," JJ agreed. "Maybe you can come back tomorrow."

"Nobody expects you to find anything the other techs couldn't," Hotch added. "Maybe there is just no connection and he chooses his victims randomly. You really shouldn't…"

"Um… guys?" Penelope carefully interrupted them. "I think I may have found something."

All heads turned towards Penelope. She stood up, grabbed a board marker and quickly went to the white board she used to write on while searching the lives of victims.

"Apparently, there is some kind of connection," Penelope started as she wrote down the names of the first two victims, "but it's not very obvious. I almost missed it."

A frown appeared on Hotch's face as he tried to determine what Penelope might have found.

"Now, Terri Rodriguez and Elisa Warren, victims number one and number two, both went to the same fitness center twice a week," Penelope explained as she drew a line between the two names and wrote down a third name. "Elisa Warren and the third victim, Miranda Lawrence, had the same hair stylist and so on. The victims aren't all connected, but each victim has some connection to the previous one."

"So he probably met the first victim frequently somewhere, maybe even knew her," Spencer jumped in. "We know that he watches his victims for at least one week before he kidnaps them. It makes sense that he chooses his next victim while watching the most recent one."

"At some point, our unsub crossed paths with Terri Rodriguez; the question is where and why he chose her," Hotch added.

"That's why I printed a list of every place Terri used to go to frequently, as well as a list of places we know she's been during the three weeks before she was kidnapped," Penelope announced proudly and handed a stack of paper to a stunned Hotch.

"God, I missed you." Hotch gave her one of his very rare smiles before he turned around to the rest of his team. "We'll meet at the table in ten minutes. Finally, we have something to work with."

When Derek looked at his Baby Girl, he found himself smiling with relief. This had done Penelope better than he'd ever expected. She was literally beaming – especially after Hotch's remark.


	15. Confessions

**Title: **Confessions

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #12 Jera (a time of peace and happiness)

**Word count: **3055

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 15/? of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:**_First of all, I want to thank everyone who reviewed this story or one of my other stories, or put them on their alert/favorite list. It helps a lot with the writing to know that people read and actually like your stories. :) I wish I could tell you how much that means to me._

_Now, I hope you enjoy this chapter. You know, my biggest love is a cliff-hanger. So don't complain __after you read this. ;)_

_I want to finish with the words of a pop musician (it's up to you whether you think he was great): Thank you, I love you all. ;) Sorry, I'm a little drunk right now._

_Enjoy!_

_Caro_

Derek walked over to his favorite girl and put an arm around her shoulders. "Come on, Baby, let's go back home. Maybe you should get some rest."

"But I don't feel like resting," she complained. "Actually, I feel better than I have in ages."

"I know," he smiled, "but your work here is done. Now come on, let's go home!"

"How about we just tell the local police what Penelope found and let them take over?" Rossi suggested. "They can handle the rest of the case on their own, and we could have lunch together."

"Now that sounds like a plan!" Penelope beamed. She hadn't known just how much she had missed these people.

Derek could have sworn there was the hint of a smile on Hotch's face. "I'll send them the results," the BAU leader nodded.

Derek wasn't sure he shouldn't make Penelope go home with him. He was still afraid this was too much for her, but he couldn't even start arguing with his Baby Girl. JJ and Emily were already dragging her towards the door.

Sighing, Derek followed them. If working again had done Penelope some good, maybe having lunch with the team couldn't hurt. It was just lunch, after all.

His worries vanished the first time he heard his Baby Girl laugh. It was vivid and ringing, and it was the best sound Derek had heard in what seemed like ages. He didn't even realize that he was staring at her until Penelope turned to look at him.

Frowning, she leaned over and whispered, "Is everything okay?"

"You know, I should be asking you that question," Derek grinned and softly pecked her lips, "but I can see that you're just fine."

When they realized the others were watching them, Penelope and Derek quickly let go of each other. Penelope blushed the most beautiful shade of red Derek had ever seen. "Sorry," he mumbled, "I got… carried away."

Fortunately, that was the moment the waitress came by to ask for their orders, sparing Penelope the embarrassment of having to answer anything.

"How's my favorite godson doing?" Penelope wanted to know.

Smiling brightly, JJ pulled out a bunch of pictures and handed them to Penelope. "He's great. He's missing his godmother, though."

"Aw, I miss him, too," Penelope replied, a dreamy smile on her face.

"Maybe we can baby-sit him next time you and Will need some time for yourself," Derek suggested, looking over Penelope's shoulder at the pictures.

"Really?" Penelope beamed at Derek.

"I can't believe it," JJ grinned. "I thought you didn't like children."

"Hey, I never said that," Derek protested, making the others laugh.

They talked mostly about the latest gossip, and about Henry and Jack. Derek watched Penelope, who was obviously having a great time. She wasn't only smiling, she was literally beaming – and she was as cheerful as usual.

It had definitely been the right decision to let Penelope come back to work. It had done both of them good.

Emily nudged JJ under the table and pointed her head towards Derek.

JJ followed Emily's gaze, and saw the cutest scene she could imagine. From the expression on Derek's face, it was obvious he was unquestioningly in love with the woman next to him. There was an expression of peace and mere happiness on his face.

Derek felt the gaze of his co-workers and turned to look at them. "What?"

"Nothing," JJ grinned and decided to change the topic. "So, if you're allowed to help us out, it means… you can come back… eventually, right?"

Penelope smiled shyly. "I… I don't know…"

"It's completely up to you," Rossi told her. "Once you're cleared to come back to work, you're more than welcome to do so whenever you're ready."

"How about tomorrow?" she suggested, making everyone laugh again.

"It's good to see your old self back," Hotch commented. "This place is a lot darker without you."

She wasn't able to stop the tears that sprung to her eyes, and if she was honest, she didn't really want to stop them. "You know, I had almost forgotten how much you all care about me and how much of a family we really are," she sniffled. "Thanks for reminding me."

"Just promise me one thing," JJ demanded as she wiped her own face. "Next time you feel like we don't care, just call me so I can prove you wrong."

"I really don't know why I did this," Penelope sniffled again, and was grateful when Derek handed her a tissue. "I mean, I remember I wanted to die. I felt so… lonely, and… After everything Kevin did to me, I just thought maybe I wasn't meant to be happy. I… I thought I would be lonely for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I knew you all cared about me, but… I just didn't want to be a burden for anyone, you know? I was so… ashamed."

"You are anything but a burden to us," Hotch replied. "You're the one who makes this job easier to handle every day. I know, we've never told you, but you're the one we turn to when this job is getting too dark. You never fail to find the right words to make us laugh. I'm sorry you didn't feel you could turn to us when you needed someone."

"I know better now," Penelope whispered as she let the tears stream down her face. "I… To be honest, I was afraid you would never want to talk to me again."

"We're mostly… shocked." Rossi knew he was speaking for all of them. "We never thought that any one of us would try and commit suicide – least of all you. And I guess we all thought that we would notice somehow. We are profilers, after all."

"I did notice," Derek said, his voice full of guilt. "I just wasn't able to interpret the signs. If I hadn't agreed to go to church with my mom that day…"

"I would have tried another time," Penelope quickly interrupted him, "and maybe then you wouldn't have found me in time."

Derek just took her hand in his and squeezed it gently. _Everything happens for a reason._ If that reason had been so he finally woke up, it had succeeded. Derek knew he was never going to let this woman go again.

"What about… us?" Penelope suddenly asked, realization hitting her.

If they both returned to work, they had to worry about the fraternization rules and about Strauss, who wanted to rip the team apart already.

"It's all taken care of," Rossi grinned, which took a load off Penelope's mind.

When they arrived at Dr. Melrose's office to tell her how things had gone at work for Penelope, Dr. Melrose immediately noticed the change in both of them. "So, I guess things went well?"

"More than that," Penelope nodded. "It felt… great. I was able to find a clue to help my team solve the case, then we had lunch and talked about everything and… I don't know. I haven't felt this happy in ages."

"How are you doing?" Dr. Melrose asked, looking at Derek.

He sighed before answering. "Well, I was anxious. This really did Penelope good, though. I haven't seen her laugh so much in what seems like an eternity."

Dr. Melrose smiled and thought about what she'd just heard for a moment. Then she turned to Penelope. "I think it's time to loosen the restrictions a little. You don't have to be watched 24/7 anymore. How about we start with you coming to therapy on your own on Monday?"

"Really?" Penelope asked surprised. "I… I'd love to."

"Are you sure…" Derek wanted to object.

"Honey, please," Penelope almost whined. "I promise I'll call you as soon as I'm here, and you can pick me up after the meeting."

Derek sighed. He was still afraid Penelope might try and hurt herself again, but she wanted to trust in him, so it was time for him to trust in her. "Okay," he nodded.

They arrived at Derek's place about an hour later. Clooney seemed a bit annoyed, but it didn't take Penelope long to make the puppy forgive them. When she returned from feeding the dog, Derek was sitting on the couch, a box in his hand and a serious, somewhat worried, look on his face.

"This is what I wanted to show you," he explained, placing the box on the coffee table and standing up. "I'm… gonna take Clooney for a walk."

Penelope nodded, not sure what to say. Apparently Derek didn't want to stay and watch her reaction to whatever the contents of said box might be. Slowly, she sat down and opened it. To her surprise, she found letters, each one addressed to her.

Taking out the first one, Penelope immediately recognized Derek's handwriting. When she looked at the date, she winced a little. Derek must have written this letter in the hospital. It was dated one day after Battle had shot her.

_Baby Girl,_

_Y__ou know I'm not good at talking when it comes to my feelings, so I'm writing you this letter. Guess what? Turns out I'm not good at writing about them, either._

_I can't tell you how sorry I am. I feel like this is all my fault. I know you would argue with me about that, but if I hadn't been the insensitive idiot I was, you wouldn't have called this guy back._

_I _never_ thought a handsome guy couldn't be interested in you. The reason I thought something was wrong with this guy was that I was jealous. It's as simple as that, but it took me a while to realize it – and even longer to admit it. I was jealous._

_You mean more to me than I can ever put into words. I would cross any crowded room for you, at any time. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to tell you. What if you don't want me? What if you do? What about the frat rules? What if I screw up?_

_The funny thing is, usually I turn to you when I'm lost. I'm afraid, Baby Girl__, but I know I love you._

Penelope blinked back the tears as she took out the second letter, dated only a few days later. She recognized her writing paper with the pink rose at the bottom right. Derek must have written this letter the day he'd stayed with her.

_My love,_

_I'm not sure you entirely understood what I tried to tell you earlier. I meant it, every single word. I love you. I never thought this would happen to me. I'm just not the guy who wants to settle down and think about submitting himself to a single woman. At least, I thought I wasn't._

_W__ith you, everything is different. I don't know why. At first, I thought it was just us being best friends, but there's so much more to it, neither of us can deny that. We're much closer than I've ever been to anyone. I was oblivious to the facts for so long, or maybe I was just afraid to see the signs._

_I love you, unquestioningly, unlimitedly, eternally. How can I make you realize that?_

The tears were now streaming down Penelope's face, but she didn't bother wiping them away as she took out the third letter. Why had Derek never given them to her until now?!

_Sweetness,_

_W__hen I heard about you and Kevin today, my first intention was to talk you out of it, admitting everything I felt for you. But then I heard you talk about him. I don't think I've ever seen you happier than at that moment._

_Maybe I could never make you that happy. I'm broken, and I have no idea how to keep up a relationship, because I've never tried. I hope Kevin is the one for you. After all, you being happy is all that matters to me._

_I will step back and let you __be happy with him, but I will never stop loving you._

"Oh, Derek, why didn't you just tell me?" Penelope whispered more to herself than anything. She'd have chosen him over any man in the world, every time.

The fourth letter was dated a few days after she had moved in with Kevin. Penelope winced again. She still regretted that day as much as she regretted the day she'd fished Battle's phone number out of her trash can to call him back.

All that had happened for a reason, though.

_My God__-given solace,_

_Y__ou have no idea how well those words describe what you are to me. Whenever this job gets too dark, or my memories become too vivid, you're there to make it all better. You've been chasing away my demons for so long now._

_I'm glad that I will at least always have that__, at least, because today, I realized I've lost you. You and Kevin are having a family now, and I'm happy for you. You will be a wonderful mother. I just hope Kevin knows what a treasure he has in you, and that he will always treat you right. You only deserve the best._

_The thing is, it still hurts to let you go. I tried to go out with other women and move on, but it doesn't work. They're just not you._

Penelope sniffled as she put the letter aside and took the next one. How could she ever have doubted Derek's feelings for her? How could she not have noticed what he really felt?!

_Oh, __Cupcake,_

_I__f only there was something I could do to take the pain away I could see in your eyes today. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm worried about you. I know you're gonna pull through just like you always do, but I don't know another woman born to be a mother like you are. It's not fair that you've been deprived of that._

_I wish I could do something, but I'm at a loss. I don't know what to say to make it better, and that is killing me. I hate to see you like this, so devastated and sad. If only I knew how I could make you feel better. I want to take that pain from you, but I guess all I can do is promise to be there whenever you need me._

Thankfully, Derek had kept his promise. He'd been there through the whole ordeal. He'd protected her, saved her, in more ways than one.

The last letter had been written the day after Penelope had cut her wrist. She let her finger run over the scar, and imagined Derek sitting next to her hospital bed, writing this letter. Why had she been so dismissive back then when she'd woken up?

_My __Everything,_

_I never thought we would ever get to this point. How could I miss this? How could I not see the signs? Why did you do this?__ What kind of profiler am I that I didn't notice how bad off you were? I'd do anything to help you, if only I knew what that was._

_I can't believe that you, of all people, tried to kill yourself. When did we become so alienated that you can't talk to me anymore? I've never felt so lost. I could feel you slipping through my fingers every day, and there was no way of keeping you with me. What can I do, Penelope? What can I do?_

_All I know right now is I won't let you go. I can't. I need you too much. I want to keep you with me. I'm not letting you go, __Baby Girl. Not now, not never. I will hold onto you. I will be here and love you, because right now, that's all I can think of doing._

Penelope couldn't suppress the sob when she put the last letter back into the box. If only she'd known all that earlier.

She heard Clooney whine behind her, and only then did she realize Derek had returned. He was standing in the doorway, glued to the spot, not daring to move or say anything.

Penelope quickly jumped to her feet and threw herself into his arms. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you so much."

Relieved, Derek pulled her close to him and leaned down to nuzzle her hair as he always did when they were embracing each other. "I love you, too."

"I know," she nodded, and for the first time, she really felt it.

At that moment, Penelope decided to never doubt Derek's feelings again. Despite all her insecurities, she decided to trust that his feelings for her were real, and that he wasn't about to change his mind. She decided to let go of her worries, and after only a few days, it made her feel like she was in heaven – until everything went wrong again.

Derek was taking Clooney for a long run. He did that once a week; usually they ran for two hours. Penelope wanted to surprise her chocolate God, so she cooked for him. She had just finished dinner, and a glance at the clock told her Derek should be home any second. Suddenly, she felt his hand covering her mouth. She hadn't noticed him come in.

"I thought you missed me. I should have known he would take advantage of you, but it won't happen again on my watch!" Kevin hissed.

She tried to scream when she saw the door being opened, but Kevin's hand over her mouth swallowed every sound she made. She saw the bullet hit Derek's chest. She saw blood soaking his shirt, and the puzzled look on his face, and then she saw him stumble to the floor.

Finally she managed to break free from Kevin, and rushed over to Derek. She knelt down and turned his lifeless body over so she could see his face, but it was too late. He didn't even react. His pulse and his breathing were both gone.

"No" she whispered, "no, this can't be happening!"

"You should be glad," Kevin smiled at her. "Now he won't get in our way anymore. I'm not the loser. This time, I won. We can be together now. Forever."

"No!" she screamed.


	16. Fear

**Title: **Fear

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #14 Perthro (hidden things and occult abilities, knowledge of one's destiny)

**Word count: **2948

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 16/18 of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN: **_I know, I was being mean lately with all the cliffhangers. *evil grin* And it's not getting better. Still I hope this chapter can somehow make up for the mean cliffhangers you had to endure._

_Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. I know, this time, I really didn't manage to answer all of them, but I will, at least I hope so. I want everyone to know that all reviews are very much appreciated! Only, life keeps getting in the way, and it's being crazier again._

_Also, a big thank you to my beta-reader Jenny._

_Now, enjoy reading! Oh, and yes, Lynch is still the bad guy in here. Don't like, don't read. ;)_

_Caro_

"No!" she screamed as she startled up from her sleep. It took her a moment to realize where she was, and that she'd only been dreaming again.

"Penelope?" the man next to her asked sleepily. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah" she assured him, then took a deep breath and lay back down on the pillow. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

Instead, he turned to give her a concerned look. "A nightmare again?"

She nodded in the dimness of their bedroom.

"The same as usual?" he asked with a frown. She'd told him about the nightmares, only briefly, no details. He'd suggested she talk to the psychologist about them, because he had a certain feeling she'd left some major part of the nightmares out. He just felt there was something she hadn't told him.

Maybe he should try and make her talk about them. The nightmares were starting to affect their relationship, and he simply couldn't let that happen. Not now that he'd finally found her, and everything was just perfect. He'd make sure things stayed that way.

"They're always the same," she sighed.

"Hey," he reached out to cup her cheek with his hand. "You know they're just dreams, right?"

"Of course I do." She smiled at him as she covered his hand with hers. "Just promise me you won't shoot my best friend."

"I promise I won't shoot anyone," he said, looking into her eyes, "unless I have to."

"And you're not jealous of anyone in my life, right?" she asked.

"Do I need to be?" he smiled at her.

"No," Penelope smiled back at him, and took another deep breath. "There's only you. I just wish those nightmares would finally stop."

"Yeah, me, too," he said. When she gave him a quizzical look, he explained, "I'm worried about you, Penelope. The nightmares burden you."

"You don't need to be worried," she assured him. "I'm fine."

"Still I wish I'd be the only thing keeping you up at night," he smiled. Then he became serious again, and added in a low voice, "Now that I finally found you, I don't want to lose you again, especially not to those nightmares."

"You won't lose me," she said with a slight smirk. "Don't think you're going to get rid of me anytime soon."

He kept frowning at her in concern. "You know I'm not like the man who haunts you in your dreams, right? I am jealous. Of course, I am. If I wasn't, it would mean I wouldn't mind if other men flirted with you, or you flirted with them. I do mind, but I trust you, and I know you wouldn't cheat on me.

"I won't lock you up to keep you away from the rest of the world, and I would never do anything to hurt you in any way. I won't poison you, or hit you, or do anything else to do you any harm. Never. I love you."

"I know," she nodded. "I know you're nothing like him, and I love you, too."

The expression on her face told him the nightmares affected her more than she wanted to admit. "Can I do anything?" he asked, really wanting to know.

She nodded and lay her head on his chest.

Smiling, he wrapped both his arms around her and pulled her close to him, running his hand up and down her back in a steady rhythm.

"You know I don't want to keep anything from you," Penelope whispered after a moment of silence. "But I don't want to talk about the nightmares, either. I just want to forget them. You're right, though, I should talk about them. I just… I don't know…"

"I don't want you to do this for me," he said. "I think it might help, but… I don't want you to feel pressured by me or anything. It was just a suggestion to talk about them."

"I know," Penelope assured him, "and I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for us. I don't want the nightmares to affect our relationship. It's much too good to let them spoil it."

"That's right." He smiled as he gently caressed her cheek, and then let his hand run up and down her back again. "You know, I want to make sure you're fine and that our relationship works, so I don't want anything to get in our way."

She felt tears of joy springing to her eyes, and whispered, "I think we already proved we can make it work."

"Yeah, you definitely have a point there." He leaned in to nibble on her neck, causing her to moan. "Tell me about the nightmares," he whispered, softly kissing her cheek.

"They're always the same," Penelope sighed. "He… he comes back and shoots you."

"Hey!" Derek gently placed a finger under her chin. So that was the part she'd left out. "That's not gonna happen. He's behind bars. He can't hurt you anymore."

"I know." Penelope drew in a shaky breath. "It's just… I don't know. I keep dreaming that he shoots you almost every night. It's always the same. I'm home, you're at work, or taking Clooney for a walk. Then suddenly, he's there, and… You step through the door, and he shoots you in the chest, and then…"

"He can't hurt me, either," he assured her. "After all, I'm a superhero, right?"

"Yeah, but even _you_ aren't bulletproof," Penelope replied. "I'm sorry I kept this to myself. I just… felt stupid about still being so afraid of him."

"It's gonna get better after the trial, believe me," Derek assured her. Penelope guessed Derek knew from his previous experience as a teenager and the man who'd abused him.

"Yeah, I hope you're right about that." She sighed with relief that he wasn't mad at her about not talking to him. "Thank you, for everything."

"You know, I can stay at home tomorrow," he suggested. After Dr. Melrose had decided that Penelope didn't need to be watched 24-7 any longer, they had agreed Derek should go back to work, although not fulltime. He worked three days a week for six hours, and hadn't traveled with the team yet.

"I'm gonna be fine," Penelope objected. "You don't need to stay here and watch over me."

He wanted to argue with her, but reconsidered it. He knew he shouldn't overdo his protectiveness.

"Try to sleep now," he softly said, and pulled her into a gentle kiss. "I have another surprise for you tomorrow."

"Really?" Penelope's face lit up instantly. "I love surprises."

"I know," Derek chuckled. "Now go back to sleep!"

Penelope had soon found out going with her to the psychologist twice a week wasn't the only thing Derek had decided to do for her. She couldn't help but smile when she thought of all the things he'd already surprised her with. Almost every day, he thought of something else; cooking for her, taking her to a fine restaurant, or a walk at the Potomac. He'd even taken her to a weekend in Las Vegas, where they'd had a whole lot of fun.

The next day, when Penelope returned home from therapy – wasn't it strange how fast she'd come to consider his apartment her home? – her jaw dropped with what she saw. There he was, standing lasciviously in the doorway, wearing not only chaps, but a real cowboy outfit, complete with hat and vest.

After the first moment of mere speechlessness, she squealed at the sight and clapped her hands, almost bouncing with joy. "Oh, I always knew this would suit you."

Smiling contentedly at her reaction, Derek took a few quick steps to cover the distance between them, and caught her in his arms. "So, Baby Girl, does that match your fantasy?"

"No," she giggled and kissed him deeply, "this is so much better. You totally have to wear that to the next Halloween party."

"We'll see," he only chuckled and softly pecked her lips, before letting go of her. "But tonight I'm gonna wear it as long as you want me to."

The next day, Derek wasn't home when she came back. She was a bit disappointed, considering the news she'd wanted to break to him. Then she found a note on the table, asking her to meet him at a stage at the Potomac, and to dress up a little.

She wasn't sure why she should do so for just another walk, but thought it couldn't hurt. When she stepped into the bedroom, she found a new dress on the bed, something she'd certainly never dared to wear. A deep claret dress with a corsage, impressively underlining her personal advantages – meaning her cleavage. But Derek had bought it for her, so she would wear it for him.

Penelope took her time arranging her hair in an elaborate up-do. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she couldn't believe this incredibly sexy woman was really her.

When she arrived at said stage, she saw him standing at the very end of it in a tux, looking way too hot to go without an FAC, especially in the bright moonlight. She could hear soft music. When Penelope stepped closer, Derek held his hand out to her, and she just took it, without saying a word.

He pulled her close to him, and slowly started to sway her to the sound of _Because I Love You_. She knew he'd chosen this song on purpose, and smiled at him.

He leaned down to nibble her neck, before he whispered, "I knew this would suit you."

"Yeah, I kinda like your taste," she replied without looking up at him.

"Do you?" he chuckled. "I kinda like you wearing things I picked out for you."

"You're spoiling me, you know that," she whispered, and pulled him down into a passionate kiss.

"That's all I'm living for," he chuckled, and leaned in closer again so their lips were mere inches apart. "Especially if it makes you kiss me like that."

She giggled and pulled him down once more.

"So I guess this means you're enjoying your surprise," Derek smiled, and pulled her into a tight embrace again, swaying her to the soft music.

"Mhmm," she purred. "If this is a dream, don't dare to ever wake me up again!"

"It's not a dream," he whispered into her ear, sending pleasurable shivers down her spine. "I just thought we'd celebrate the fact that you'll soon have your first day back at work."

Penelope's head shot up in surprise. "How did you…"

"I'm omniscient," he grinned.

Penelope still couldn't believe this was really happening. She'd gone out with Battle because she thought Derek would never even ask her, and because she wanted to prove that a good looking guy could be interested in her.

She'd started the relationship with Kevin because she'd been sure she could never have Derek, and because she finally wanted to move on, be happy, and get over him. Every time, it had turned out to be a bad idea. She'd thought she would never get a normal guy – let alone the man of her dreams.

Now she was dancing with this super-hot FBI Special Agent in the moonlight, dressed up as if they were at the opera or a fancy ball. The way he treated her exceeded everything she could ever have dreamed of. He was sweet and caring, and he showed her that he loved her every single day through a simple gesture or a kiss, or one of his unbelievable surprises. To cut it short, he was simply perfect, and it went a long way to making her feel happy again.

Everything happened for a reason. Maybe she'd had to go through all that to finally become happy with the only man she'd ever truly loved.

She was in heaven – and neither of them had the slightest idea that everything was about to go wrong again. They were both too lost in their own little world to notice the man standing only a few feet away from them, clenching his fists as he watched his girl kiss another man.

They had no idea said man was considering shooting Derek then. But alas, he wasn't such a good shot – and he knew Derek Morgan. Always the FBI Agent, he was probably carrying his gun. Besides, from this distance, he could hurt Penelope as well. He knew his time would come, and he would make sure he took Agent Derek Morgan by surprise then.

They danced until they noticed the sun rise at the horizon.

"Good thing I don't have to go in until noon today," Derek chuckled as he lead Penelope back to his apartment, where he helped her out of her dress – which was by far the most exciting thing he'd ever done – and then they snuggled into their bed.

When Derek went to work the next day, they both had a feeling this was finally the day they'd spend their first night together. Okay, they'd shared the bed for almost five months now, but Derek had wanted to give her time to heal and be ready, so they'd waited to become intimate.

Today, everything seemed different. They just couldn't keep their hands off of each other during breakfast, they kissed more than they ate anything, and when he'd kissed her goodbye, it felt much more passionate than ever before.

Penelope was smiling for the rest of the day, humming as she took Clooney for a walk. She simply felt like she was brimming over with mirth. She couldn't keep herself from counting the hours until he would return.

Derek called her around four in the afternoon.

"Hello, super hero," she greeted happily, in a very flirtatious mood. "Tell me, how many bad guys have you caught today?"

"None, actually," he chuckled. "Luckily, we didn't have any cases today, and if things stay that way, I'll be home with you in less than an hour."

"He sounds as if they're already married," Emily murmured to JJ, and they both giggled.

Derek threw his empty paper cup at them, but their comment couldn't keep him from flirting with his favorite girl. "So, shall I bring something for dinner, or am I enough to feed you?"

This, however, almost caused JJ to fall off the edge of Emily's desk. Two jaws hit the floor, while Reid – sitting at his desk as well, right next to Emily – blushed a shade of red Derek had never seen on anyone's face.

Derek grinned at them and put Penelope on speaker.

"It depends," she said, her tone innocent and yet naughty, a mixture only she could manage. "Are you gonna be my plate?"

"I'm gonna be anything you want me to, Sweetness," Derek replied.

"Hmmm," she purred into the phone, and Derek could practically see her close her eyes and run her hand over parts of her body where it shouldn't be at the moment – at least not so vividly in his fantasy, when he was anything but alone. He swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat, and shook those thoughts off as best he could.

"I fear Reid's ears are gonna fall off if you do that again." He croaked a little as he said it, and had to clear his throat.

She giggled. "Remind me to buy him earplugs for Christmas this year."

"Maybe we should buy him a nice movie so he at least understands what we're talking about," Derek chuckled, causing Reid to throw the paper cup back at him.

"Be nice, my beautiful behavioral analyst," she said in a motherly tone that was unusual for her, and all the more cute, "or I'll have to spank you when you come home."

"Thank you, Garcia," Reid called out to her.

"Who says that would be a punishment?" Derek grinned once more at him, and burst out laughing when Reid once more turned red all over his face – including even his ears.

"Who says it was meant to be, my chocolate Adonis?" Penelope replied.

"Is it just me, or are they worse than ever today?" Emily asked, rolling her eyes at JJ.

"I don't know," the other woman shrugged, "I think it's kinda funny." She gave Reid a side glance, clearly telling him his reactions were the funniest part of the whole conversation.

"I miss you, Goddess," Derek finally whispered into his phone.

"I can't wait to be back at work, either," she giggled.

"That was not what I was talking about."

"I know," she smiled. "I miss you, too. So hurry and get your sweet little ass over here!"

"You're right, they ARE worse than ever," JJ giggled.

At that moment Hotch came into the bullpen, and the expression on his face told them it was bad.

Derek immediately straightened himself in his seat. "Baby Girl, I fear we're going to have to change our plans for today."

"You've got Garcia on the phone?" It was more a statement than a question.

Derek nodded uncomfortably. Something was definitely wrong.

Hotch leaned over the phone, bracing both his hands on Derek's desk in the movement. "Garcia, I want you to stay where you are. Don't open the door for anyone! Do you understand?"

"What's wrong?" came Garcia's voice over the speaker. The flirtatious tone had given way to a mixture of confusion and panic.

There was a long pause. Everyone in the room, and Penelope at the other end of the line, was holding their breath, and it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

Hotch frowned at Derek, before replying. "I just got a call from the local P.D. Lynch escaped."


	17. Nightmare

**Title: **Nightmare

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #3 Thurisaz (danger, defenselessness, evil)

**Word count: **2440

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 17/18 of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _I'm not really sure where to start. First of all, THANK YOU! I received so many reviews and nice, encouraging messages lately, which were all very much appreciated._

_Then, I'm sorry. First of all, because it took me forever to answer all of you, this time. Normally, I'm faster with that. Then because it took me even longer to update anything. My life is crazy again. Mostly in a good way, this time, but still crazy. There's just so much that has to be done so I can finally take my exam (which will be in January). *sighs*_

_Anyway, here's the next chapter of the 'Loser Lynch'-series, finally. It's most certainly the last but one chapter – unless my muse changes her mind again. LOL_

_Don't kill me (because if you do, you'll never find out what's gonna happen next :) ), I didn't want to end this chapter the way it does. It was all my muse, I swear. I'm completely innocent._

_Now, I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

When they finally arrived at Derek's apartment, he was about to just throw the door open and storm inside to make sure Penelope was all right, but Hotch kept him from doing so, silently pointing at the tiny scratches on the lock, indicating that someone had cracked it.

Derek swore silently. They were too late.

Hotch and Emily positioned themselves at the right side of the door, while Rossi and Reid were on the left. Carefully, his gun drawn, Derek turned the key and pushed the door open.

When the door opened, Penelope's eyes widened with terror. She knew it was Derek, and now her worst nightmare was coming true. Kevin was going to shoot him, and there was nothing Penelope could do to keep him from doing so.

She tried to scream, but Kevin's hand over her mouth swallowed most sounds she was making. There was no way to warn Derek.

"Look who's coming home." Kevin grinned as he aimed his gun at Derek and shot.

Penelope held her breath. She wanted to squeeze her eyes shut. She couldn't watch this again; she couldn't watch Derek being shot – but she couldn't move, not even a tiny bit.

With a quick jump to the right, Derek ducked the bullet, rolled over the floor, and took shelter behind the door post.

She let out the breath she hadn't even known she'd been holding. Derek was safe, for now. Her nightmare didn't necessarily have to come true. There was hope everything was going to be all right. Derek was a superhero, after all.

From where Derek was standing now, he could see Lynch, who had a death grip on Penelope, covering her mouth with his hand and using her body as a shield. He raised his own gun, but refused to shoot. It would have been too risky.

He heard Clooney barking and scratching behind a nearby door. Obviously, Kevin had locked him up in one of the rooms before attacking Penelope.

"Baby Girl, everything is going to be all right," Derek promised in a soft voice.

_I believe you._ She wanted to believe him. She needed to believe his words, or she was going to lose her mind.

"Yeah, once I got rid of you," Kevin hissed, and pulled the trigger once more, hitting the door post.

Penelope winced, and new tears filled her eyes. Every time she heard a gun being shot, the memories came back. Her being shot, the nightmare of Derek being shot. If only she had never met Kevin.

How did all that go so wrong? She'd been happy with him, he had been a good guy – at least, she'd always thought that way. But now…

"Lynch!" Hotch yelled from outside the door. "Drop your gun and give yourself up! You're outnumbered."

_Thank goodness!_ Derek hadn't come here alone. Nothing was like it had been in her nightmares. They knew about Kevin, and they were prepared. Everything was going to be all right. They could overpower him. They had handled situations like this before.

"Yeah, but I have a little ace up my sleeve, don't I?" he shouted back. "Here's the deal: You let me and Penelope go. Morgan's coming with us – and then you'll leave us alone."

"You won't leave this apartment alive if you don't give up," Hotch threatened.

Penelope took a deep breath. She needed to work with the team now, try to get out of the line of fire so they could take down Kevin. If only she could break free from him.

"Oh, I doubt you'll put Penelope's life at risk," Kevin said triumphantly.

"I'd bet you don't want to, either," Derek said calmly.

Kevin didn't say anything. That certainly was just some profiler trick.

"I know you love her," Derek went on. "Come on, Kevin, you don't wanna hurt Penelope, right? And I don't want her to get hurt. I'm sure we can find… a way out."

"You don't know anything!" Kevin yelled, shooting in Derek's direction again, but only hitting the locker. "She belongs with me!"

"Look," Derek said, trying to stay as calm as possible, "as far as I can judge it, we both want the same, for Penelope to be all right. We both care about her, and we both don't want her to get hurt. So why don't we just talk about that?"

"So you can soft-soap her again as you did last night?" Kevin yelled. "I wonder how easy it was for you to get her in bed."

Derek bit his lip. He wanted to say something to put Kevin in his place, but he knew that would only make him more angry. So instead, he said, "I know it's me you want and not Penelope. Why don't you let her go?"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Kevin sighed theatrically. "You are in the way." He pronounced every word as if talking to a child.

"I'm gonna leave, I promise," Derek tried, "but you'll have to let Penelope go."

"You really think it's that easy?" Kevin's voice cracked as he shouted the words. "For some reason I will never understand, she's completely crazy about you. That has always been a problem, you know. She just couldn't love me when you were around her the whole day long. She's always loved you."

"That's not true." Derek made another attempt to reason with Kevin. "She loved you, you know that."

"Yeah, and the whole thing you have just happened, right?" the other man snorted. "No chance, Morgan. You're the only thing standing between Penelope and me. I finally realized that, and I'm not gonna fall for your explanations again. You're a player, a womanizer – that's why it was so easy for you to wrap her around your little finger."

Derek thought about Kevin's accusation for a moment. He seemed calmer now, and Derek had to choose his words carefully so as not to make him angry again. "You're right," he said, "I…" Derek hesitated for a moment. Penelope was very vulnerable, and he couldn't be sure if she would take his words seriously.

On the other hand, it was the last chance to talk Kevin into giving up, so he had to lie about his intentions. Right now, Penelope's physical safety was the most important thing. He could explain everything afterwards. She would understand that he had to say what he was about to say.

"It's true, I can't love Penelope as much as you do." Derek bit his lip while he searched for the right words to continue. He had to agree with Kevin without hurting Penelope's feelings. "I don't have relationships, I'm… not good at that. I don't know if I can make Penelope happy."

Hotch nodded slightly, encouraging Derek to go on.

"At least, I surely can't make her as happy as you did," Derek added.

"That's the problem, right?" Lynch shouted. "You don't want me to be happy. You were jealous, so you needed to destroy everything. That's why you have to die!"

"Yes, you're right, I was jealous." That wasn't even a lie. "I wanted to be with Penelope. I begrudged you the happiness, but I know it was wrong. This is about Penelope, and not about me envying you."

"I knew it," Kevin snorted. "You only wanted to have her because she was mine. You never loved her!"

Derek didn't say anything in return. He knew what Kevin wanted to hear, but he just couldn't get these words out.

"Am I right?" Kevin shouted.

"Yes, you're right," Derek replied quietly. "I… I can never love her as much as you do." _But that doesn't change how I feel about her._

This time, Lynch remained silent. He seemed to be thinking about Derek's words.

"Tell him, Penelope. Tell him the truth!" Derek tried. She needed to work with them now. Maybe, if she told Lynch what he wanted to hear, he would give up – or at least open his cover so they could take him down.

It worked. Kevin loosened his grip on her and took his hand from her mouth.

_Stay calm!_ she told herself. She'd heard dozens of profiles over the years. Sometimes, it was better to tell the UNSUB what they wanted to hear, so they didn't snap.

"It's true," Penelope whispered. "I… still love you. I… It was a mistake to believe Derek. He doesn't love me." The words hurt so much, Penelope had to swallow not to burst into tears. "Not as much as you do," she added.

"I know you do," Kevin told her earnestly. "I know this wasn't your fault, but his. Once he's out of the way, everything is gonna be fine. We will be together forever."

"Derek is not a problem anymore," she tried to assure him. "You… You opened my eyes. I can see the truth now. I will… I will never be as happy with him as you can make me."

Kevin frowned and lowered his gun.

Derek sighed with relief. He seemed to believe them and calm down. If they could make him believe they would let him leave with Penelope, maybe he would give up.

"I'm gonna go with you," she added, as if she'd just read Derek's thoughts. "We can both leave, but you have to put the gun away."

When she saw anger flashing in his eyes, Penelope quickly added, "You know we're both not allowed to carry, so they can't let you leave with the gun."

Derek felt proud of his Baby Girl. Apparently, she'd learned a lot about how to talk with an UNSUB. They could solve this situation without getting anyone hurt.

"Please, just… Let's just leave," Penelope begged him.

Kevin frowned at her. "You really love me?"

"Yes." She nodded and looked right into his eyes. She'd never been much of a liar, but there was a time when she'd loved him. All she needed to do now was remember that time.

"We're gonna let you go, I promise," Derek assured him. "Penelope loves you, and I respect that. I'm gonna leave you alone. No one's gonna try and stop you. All you have to do is drop your gun."

"Yeah, so you can shoot me right away," Kevin snarled.

"I won't," Derek assured him, and threw his gun into the apartment. It slid into Kevin's direction and came to a halt about three feet away from him. "Look, I'm dropping my gun."

Kevin just laughed at that. "What about your boss?"

"He's gonna leave," Derek promised.

Hotch dropped his gun as well, and quickly walked past the door so Lynch could see him. Then he took Reid's gun, and Reid headed for the elevator. Hotch was the better shot, anyway.

"Now it's just you, me, and Penelope," Derek shouted. "Let her go!"

"First, you come in," Kevin commanded. "Show me you don't have a second gun hidden somewhere."

"All right," Derek said. He started to take a step forward, but Hotch held him back. They exchanged some glances, before Hotch reluctantly let go of him.

"No, Derek, don't!" she shouted, before she felt the muzzle being pressed against her temple.

"Shut up!" Kevin hissed. "You don't love him. You love ME!"

"Trust me, Baby Girl," Derek said as he stepped into the doorframe, his hands raised above his head. "Everything's gonna be fine."

"No, nothing's gonna be fine!" Kevin yelled furiously, his voice cracking again. "You lied. Everything was just a lie! You fucking…"

Then all hell broke loose. Kevin shot, and the bullet hit Derek right in his chest, throwing him backwards onto the floor. Penelope broke free from Kevin's grip and began hurrying over to Derek. Everything was just like it had been in her dream.

Everything – apart from the fact that suddenly, she saw Hotch, Emily, and Rossi rushing into the room, aiming their guns at Kevin. The latter grabbed Penelope and pulled her with him behind the couch to take shelter.

She was struggling to get away, well aware that she would be in the line of fire if her teammates started to shoot. They didn't seem to dare, though. The only one shooting was Kevin, and Derek's apartment didn't leave many possibilities to take shelter.

This was never going to stop. Kevin would never leave her alone. He had killed Derek, and he was going to kill her friends, and then her nightmare would start anew. No one would be able to save her, if her friends didn't dare shoot Kevin – and if he managed to take her with him, she knew what kind of life was awaiting her. He would lock her up again, hit her, rape her, and in the end, maybe, finally kill her.

There was nothing she could do to end this nightmare. Derek was dead, and she was lost.

Penelope's eyes fell upon Derek's gun on the floor, and she knew that there was only one way out. She'd once said she didn't believe in guns, but a gun had left two scars on her body, and now another gun had ruined her life. Kevin had already shot Derek, and Penelope couldn't let him shoot one of her friends.

Kevin had her right wrist in a death grip, but Penelope could reach out enough to grab the gun with her index finger and pull it closer. Luckily, Derek had insisted on giving her some shooting lessons. She aimed the gun at Kevin and released the safety.

For a moment, it was dead silent in the apartment. Hotch, Rossi, and Emily still didn't dare shoot. The couch was blocking their view, so they couldn't be sure they would hit Kevin and not Penelope.

Kevin was staring at Penelope, then at the gun in her hands, only a foot from his chest. "What are you doing?"

"Stop!" she said, trying to sound calmer as she was. She was shaking so vigorously, she had to hold the gun with two hands to keep from dropping it.

"You won't shoot me," he said confidently.

"Drop your gun!" Penelope whispered, and a tear ran down her cheek.

"You could never shoot me," he put her off. "That's just not you."

"You're right," she sniffled. "I don't want to shoot you, but I will, if I have to."

Snorting with amusement, he reached for the gun.

Penelope flinched. "Don't make me do this!"

A grin appeared on Kevin's face as he leaned over to her, his hand reaching for the gun. "Come one, you won't…"

She shot. Once, twice, three times… She pulled the trigger until there were no bullets left, and then a few times more.


	18. Closure

**Title: **Closure

**Fandom:** Criminal Minds

**Pairing:** Morgan/Garcia

**Prompt:** #7 Gebo (gift)

**Word count: **3518

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Neither the show nor the characters belong to me, they belong to CBS. Nonetheless, I love to borrow them from time to time.

**Summary:** Part 18/18 of the 'Loser Lynch' series.

**warnings:** spoilers for season 3

**AN:** _So, here we go. I almost can't believe it, but this is the last chapter of this story. It's kind of sad for me. I mean, I spent so much time with this story, especially in my head when I tried to get the next chapter right. And now it's over._

_On the other hand, I think this is exactly the way this story should end. It was a rather dark story, probably one of the saddest I've ever written. But in the end, there's always hope for some change for the better. ;) And to sum it up in Garcia's words: Everything happens for a reason._

_I hope you'll have as much fun reading the chapter as I had writing it. So, enjoy it, it's the last one! :)_

"Garcia!"

She could have sworn she heard Hotch's voice from somewhere, somewhere near, but all she could see was blood, and all she could really hear was the sound of gunshots ringing in her ears.

"Garcia!"

She hadn't even noticed she was shaking and sobbing, until two strong arms grabbed her shoulders and shook her a little forcefully.

"Penelope, look at me!"

Finally drawn from the trance she seemed to be in, she was able to look into her boss's concern filled eyes. "He's dead," she whispered. "I… I shot him."

"I know," Hotch said. "It's over. It's okay."

"No. No, it's not," she sniffled, and her eyes drifted back to the body on the floor, which was now being examined by Emily and Rossi. "I… killed him. I… took a life. I'm a killer."

"No, Penelope, you're not," Hotch objected, and gently pulled her into a light embrace, hoping this would calm her down a bit.

"He killed Derek," she sobbed into his shoulder.

"No, he didn't," Hotch assured her. "Derek's fine. Look!" He gently turned her head into the direction of the door, where Reid was helping Derek to stand up. "He'll just have a big bad bruise, that's all."

She stared at him for a while, trying to process what had happened.

Coughing a little, Derek pulled up his shirt a bit and smiled at her. "When you told me about your dream, and I heard about Lynch having escaped, I figured it was better to wear a vest. I'm never gonna question your dreams again, Baby Girl."

With a heart-breaking sob, Penelope ran towards Derek and threw herself into his arms, causing him to wince in pain a little, but he didn't really care. She was safe, that was all that mattered. It was finally over – or at least, Lynch couldn't bother them anymore.

Penelope sobbed uncontrollably into Derek's chest, partly out of guilt and grief about what she'd done, but mostly out of relief.

"I told you everything was gonna be okay, sweetness," Derek whispered, kissing her forehead.

"Come on, we'll take both of you to the hospital," Hotch commanded, and before Derek could say anything, he gave him his best death stare. "That's an order!"

Sighing, Derek yielded to his fate. It couldn't hurt to make sure his ribs weren't broken.

The hospital had almost become Penelope's second home. For weeks, she'd been here every day. Now, she still went here three times a week. She was glad when the door opened and Dr. Melrose stepped in.

Carefully, the older woman sat down next to Penelope on the hospital bed. "Your boss told me what happened," she explained. "How are you feeling?"

Penelope opened her mouth to say that she was all right. Then she wanted to tell her that she felt bad. "I…" she started, but she simply couldn't find the words to end this sentence. Sighing, she replied, "Actually, I really don't know how I feel."

"You killed someone," Dr. Melrose simply said, her tone without any sign of judgment.

"I know," Penelope breathed deeply, before she went on, "and I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. I would do it again if I had to. I'm glad Kevin is dead, that he can't hurt anyone anymore."

Dr. Melrose remained silent.

Penelope thought about her words, and then added, "I mean, I _feel_ bad. I feel bad about taking a life, but…"

"You can feel safe now," Dr. Melrose finished the sentence for her.

Penelope looked at the other woman, and then she nodded. Sometimes, it was almost scary how Dr. Melrose always seemed to know what Penelope was feeling.

"Good." Dr. Melrose smiled. "Your reaction is natural. Did you know that cops say pretty much the same after they first shoot someone? It's never easy, but I'm positive you'll be able to deal with it."

"So, I don't need any extra sessions then?" Penelope asked.

"Do you feel like you do?" Dr. Melrose asked back instead of answering.

"Why do you always return the questions to me?" Penelope sighed.

Dr. Melrose smiled at Penelope. "Because it's your life, and you are responsible for it. If you think it's necessary to have extra sessions or if you want them, you'll have them. That's how it works."

"So that I learn not to depend too much on what you tell me?" Penelope guessed.

"Yeah, something like that." The older woman nodded.

Penelope sighed. "I don't know if I need extra sessions – or if I want them. Right now, I only want to go home with Derek. Or… should we stay elsewhere for the time being?"

"Your apartment certainly isn't cleared by the police yet, so I fear you'll have to stay elsewhere," Dr. Melrose replied with a shrug.

"I hadn't thought of that." Penelope sighed. "I don't know if I want to go back there at all."

"You know, I always thought that when couples move in together, it's better for them to get a new apartment, instead of one moving in with the other." Her voice was unusually casual. "But that's just my opinion."

A careful knock on the door kept Penelope from saying anything in return. "Come in!" she immediately called out, hoping it was Derek who just didn't want to disturb them.

"Hey," Derek greeted, sticking his head in at the door. "I just wanted to see how my favorite girl was doing."

Smiling widely, Penelope got up from the bed to rush to the door and wrap her arms around Derek, leaning her head against his muscular chest. "Ready to go home," she sighed. "Or… wherever we'll spend the night."

Derek gave Dr. Melrose a quizzical look and sighed with relief when she nodded. "I'll see you on Tuesday, if you don't need me sooner."

"Thank you," he whispered, and led his Baby Girl outside to Hotch's waiting car.

"So… are we gonna stay at a hotel tonight?" Penelope carefully asked. She didn't like the idea. She just didn't like hotels.

"Nope." Derek grinned, but didn't give her an explanation.

About ten minutes later, the SUV stopped in front of a small house.

"What's this?" Penelope asked a little puzzled.

"A little surprise." Derek smiled at her.

Her eyes almost popped out of her head. "You bought this house?"

"Not yet." He softly pecked her lips. "I wanted to hear your opinion first. But I talked to the owner and explained what happened. He said it was okay if we spent the night here."

"I love it." She excitedly clapped her hands and jumped out of the car.

"You haven't even seen the inside," Derek called after her.

"I don't need to. I know I like it already," was the reply.

"Good night, Morgan." Hotch waited for Derek to close the door, chuckled, and drove off.

"So, welcome to our potential new home." Derek pecked Penelope's cheek before opening the door for her.

"As I said, I love it," she whispered as she stepped inside, taking in the spacious entry, decorated with little tidbits. "Are these mine?"

"I had JJ and Reid bring some of them over while we were at the hospital," he explained as he wrapped both arms around her waist. "I thought you'd feel better with something familiar around you."

"I feel great as long as you're with me." Penelope closed her eyes and leaned back into the comforting embrace.

For a few minutes, they just stood in the entryway of what could be their house in a few days and enjoyed each other's presence. Then Penelope turned around, pulling Derek down for a deep, passionate kiss.

"Wow," Derek panted, but didn't get the chance to say anything in addition, because her soft lips crashed down onto his again.

"I want you!" Penelope whispered between kisses.

Derek broke the kiss and pushed her away a little. "Baby Girl, I don't think we should…"

"No," she quickly interrupted him, "you know this would have happened today, and… I don't want him to destroy this. I don't want him to win."

Derek frowned at her in concern. He remembered his conversation with Dr. Melrose about this, and how she'd told him that it had to be Penelope's decision, that she would know when the time was right.

"I want you," she repeated, locking eyes with him so he could see she was serious.

"Well, in that case…" Derek smirked and lifted her up to carry her into the bedroom. "But I have to warn you, sweetness. It's gonna be a long night, because I absolutely plan on taking my time."

"I have no intention of complaining," she whispered, unable to speak any louder as the thrills of anticipation rushed through her body.

Grinning mischievously, Derek pulled his shirt over his head, making Penelope gasp as she saw the large bruise on his side. "It's okay," he assured her. "I'm fine. It's just a bad bruise, that's all."

Carefully, Penelope reached out to let her fingertips run over the bruised skin, but when Derek groaned, she quickly pulled away.

"No, no," he said with a grin, "that wasn't a sound of pain."

"Oh…" Penelope smiled and blushed slightly.

"I love you, Baby Girl." He locked eyes with her as his hands wandered under her shirt.

Penelope drew in a shaky breath.

Frowning in concern, Derek pulled his hand away. "If I'm going too fast…"

"No," she quickly interrupted him, "please, don't… don't stop."

The look on his face still had a hint of worry in it. "I just want you to know that whenever you say stop, I'll stop."

"I know," she told him, "but I'm not planning on stopping you anytime soon."

"Good." He leaned down to nibble on the soft skin on her neck. "Because I'm absolutely planning on taking my time with you." She tasted of strawberries, certainly a special body lotion or shampoo. Derek's heart skipped a beat at the thought that she'd just used it for him.

Penelope's eyes fluttered shut. She couldn't remember how many times she had dreamed of this particular moment, and the reality was so much better than any of her dreams. Derek seemed to know exactly what she liked – and he was even more skilled than she'd imagined him to be.

They'd waited pretty long before they'd crossed this line. Derek had said he'd wanted to give Penelope time to heal. But in fact, she'd needed the time to overcome her insecurities. She wasn't exactly the type of woman Derek was normally attracted to, and she was anything but experienced, especially compared to him. She was sure he would notice.

But if he did, he didn't let it show. He was sweet and caring, the whole time only concerned about her, that she felt good – and she had never felt better.

"I'm sorry," Penelope whispered, as they were lying in each other's arms, watching the sun rise outside.

"For what?" Derek asked, turning his head a little to look at her.

"For… well… I know I'm not as… good as… Well, you're certainly used to women more… experienced," she stuttered.

"What?" he called out. "Honey, I don't know what you think I've experienced so far, but last night was simply perfect. Besides, I honestly don't want to know how experienced you are. In fact, I'd like to pretend I've been the only one."

She giggled softly and looked up to kiss his lips. "You will be, from now on."

"That sounds like a plan." Smiling, Derek wrapped his arms tightly around his girl and drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

The next day, Penelope and Derek signed the contract that made them owner of the house.

Three days later, when he entered their new home, he found her sitting on the bed, a picture in her hands. The expression on her face was sad; gloomy, even. Standing in the doorway, Derek waited for her to say something.

Finally, she put the picture aside, looked up at him, and said, "You know, there's something I've refused to talk about so far."

He nodded.

Penelope took a deep breath, took the picture from where she'd placed it face down next to her, and handed it to him.

It was an ultrasound picture.

"The only picture of the baby I have," she whispered.

Derek gently took her hand in his. If only he could do something – anything – to make it better.

Squeezing his hand in return, she added, "I'm feeling… guilty."

"It wasn't your fault that you lost the baby," Derek reminded her.

"I know." she nodded in understanding. "That was not what I meant. I'm feeling guilty because… as bad as it might sound, sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe it was… good that I lost the baby."

"Why?" He frowned. "I thought you wanted children."

"I do," she said, "but after everything Kevin did to me, I don't think I could have given birth to _his_ child. I know it's not the child's fault, but… I don't know."

"I know what you mean," Derek assured her. "And no one can blame you for feeling this way."

"I do," she whispered. "I wanted this child so badly, but… I know it's silly, but I can't stop thinking that maybe the child would have… been like him. Some mental diseases are inherited, and he was really sick."

Derek's heart cramped when he saw the tears running down her cheeks, and he put his arm around her shoulders.

Penelope let her head sink against his chest and whispered, "I thought I was going to die. I've never felt that way before – and I never want to feel like that again."

"And I'll do whatever I can to make sure you won't." He wrapped both arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

Closing her eyes, she took in a shaky breath. "If only I'd noticed something. I thought he just wanted to take care of me, and… actually, I was happy that he was there. But he was the one who caused the illness and the miscarriage, because he didn't want to share me with anyone, especially not a baby.

"He did all that, even though he knew how badly I wanted this child. He took the risk that I would sink into a depression and may never have been the same again. But you know what was worst? He helped me look for furniture for the nursery and everything else we might need. He even talked to me about possible names, even though he knew he would never let me have my baby. The whole time, I was thinking about what it would be like to be a mother, what the baby would look like, and what it would feel like to hold her in my arms. And he just smiled, knowing that…"

Derek remained silent for a while after her voice had trailed off. Then he gently pushed her away and made her look at him. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, Penelope," he whispered. "But believe me, there's no way to know that a man is sick like Kevin was."

"I know." She sniffled and snuggled back up against him. "But… I can't stop thinking that if I'd noticed something or if the doctors would have found out about the poison earlier… or in fact, if I'd just listened to you, I would be a mother now. I would have a child now."

"And I know you would be a wonderful mother," he replied.

She smiled bleakly. "I don't know."

Alarmed, Derek pushed her away a little to be able to look at her. "What do you mean?"

She sighed. "I don't know. Maybe… maybe I'm not supposed to have children. I… I mean, considering both our jobs… What if… what if something happens… to you in the field, for example. What would I do then?"

"Baby, I'm not planning on leaving you anytime soon," Derek assured her. "So stop these gloomy thoughts!"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I… I guess, I'm just afraid that I might lose you. This is… just too perfect."

"What?" he raised an eyebrow at her. "You think you don't deserve that?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "Apparently I didn't before. Why should I deserve it now?"

"Listen to me, sweetness," Derek said firmly. "Do you think I deserved the abuse I experienced as a kid?"

"What?" she asked in shock. "No, of course not. How can you…"

"Then why did it happen to me?" he softly interrupted her.

"I… don't know," she replied, still puzzled. Why had he asked her that? Did he believe she thought that? Or did he think he did? "You never did anything to deserve that… Oh…"

"Bad things happen to all of us," he said when her voice had trailed off. "I guess life doesn't ask if we deserve it or not. And my mom always says that the worst things happen to the best people."

"Yeah, I got your point." She smiled at him

They both remained silent for a while, and Derek just held her. Finally, she looked up at him again and sniffled. "Thanks for making me talk about all that."

Derek nodded and cupped her cheek with one hand to brush the tears away. "Thanks for telling me."

"I'm glad I did." She smiled and leaned her head back against his chest. "I've been carrying this around way too long already."

"Can I do anything?" he whispered and kissed her hair once again.

But Penelope shook her head. "It's enough if you just hold me a little longer."

So he did, because he knew that at the moment, it was all he could do, all she would allow him to do. One day, maybe he could do more.

"You helped me get over all that, and I'm really happy now," she assured him after a long time of silence between them. "I just want you to know that. In fact, I've never been as happy as I am with you. It might sound silly, but you make me complete."

"It doesn't sound silly," he replied, "'cause you make me complete as well. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as I can, and one day, I will give you a child."

Her head shot up, and he could see the hope in her eyes. "Really?" she asked voicelessly.

"Really." Derek nodded and reached out to let his fingers play with a strand of her beautiful blonde hair.

"When?" she asked excitedly, and then looked down and blushed. That was a silly question.

Derek smiled nonetheless and made her look up at him again. "As soon as you want me to," he whispered, leaning over to kiss her deeply.

"Thank you." She smiled and pulled him closer.

"Don't think that's an altruistic act," he chuckled as he leaned forward to kiss her, "because I'm absolutely planning on enjoying every single second that we try."

She giggled softly. At least some of her playfulness he loved so much was coming back. "I just know that… well, this is asking quite a lot from you, having a child to take care of and stuff."

"Sweetness, I want to have a child with you because this would make our love complete," he assured her, locking eyes with her again. "On one condition."

"That is?" she wanted to know.

Smiling down at her, Derek whispered, "That it will be a legal child."

Her eyes widened. "You mean…"

"Yes," he affirmed. "We will have a child, maybe even more than one. We will get married first, and everything will be perfect – just as perfect as you deserve it to be. I'll make sure of that. Well, if you want to marry me, that is."

"Yes," she cried, throwing her arms around his neck. "Yes, I do."

"I'm sorry I can't give you the ring now," he whispered as he returned her embrace.

"It's okay," Penelope assured him. "I know you didn't plan on all that and…"

He pulled back to look at her and frowned a little. "I just left it in my apartment."

Her eyes almost popped out of her head.

"I wanted to ask you on Friday. That's why I wanted to take you out for dinner then," he explained with a nonchalant shrug.

A tear of joy ran down her cheek, and she was grinning like mad. "I love you," she whispered and hugged him again.

"I love you, too, Baby Girl." Derek smiled. "I can go and get the ring if you want."

"Can you give it to me on Friday?" she asked shyly. "Just like you planned on doing?"

"Of course," he agreed. "And now let me take care of dinner."

He wanted to get up, but Penelope held him back. "Wait," she whispered, "can we… forget about dinner for a while? I'd like to… start trying."

Smiling his most seductive smile, Derek leaned forward, and with that movement, made her lay down on the bed. "Whatever you want, my goddess."

_**William Shakespeare wrote, "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." (From the Criminal Minds episode 3x09 'Penelope')**_


End file.
